The road to Enlightenment is through truth

I do not consider myself to be enlightened. I feel I’m on the path leading there and I feel that compassion, being a major tenet of this, that we must strengthen the bonds of our interconnectedness. To do this I feel the best way is to erase fear, since I believe it is fear which keeps us apart. I feel the best way I can do this is to expose myself to you, raw, unfiltered and real – in the light of truth.

The path to Enlightenment is through truth. I posted that earlier and several people liked and agreed with the sentiment. How closely do we look at this process though? How much light of truth do we allow to penetrate us? Because it is inversely proportionate to the levels of our misery. It seems odd to say that exposing yourself; your ugly side could lessen your misery but let me explain my walk, which is ongoing.

I wasn’t happy, life wasn’t what I wanted it to be. I wanted a bigger house, a better car, a better job; hell no job – I wanted to be independently wealthy, I wanted a better relationship with my wife. I felt lost, I felt incomplete and empty often. I wanted a better life for my kids but my own childhood left me with no tools for a normal relationship. The dynamics of my household were horrible. Everyone lived in fear of me. My excuse was that I was building a good family and that I couldn’t make everyone happy. That was total bologna; the truth was I just wanted it all my way.

As I have written before my big epiphany came when my wife took our kids and left me. I was a violent, irrational being for many years, she had grown accustomed to it so when the violence ended but I still had the same energy, the same air about me the waiting and suspense for something she was sure was coming was too much. I don’t blame her. At the time I was in the beginning of really trying to fix myself. I knew, let me get this completely clear, I knew the whole time that violence and what I was doing was wrong. Even after I had changed the bulk of it I was still aggressively after securing only my own piece of the pie. I wanted a better life for my kids…. For me; because that meant I was a good father. I never considered just relating to them and letting their needs dictate how I was a good father, nope it was all about me.

So they left…. I had a house with empty rooms. I had a job to go to and bills to pay. Part of the problem between my wife and I was money (like most families) and how it was being spent. So when she decided to leave she let the bills go, I believe, to subconsciously force her to leave. She had to make a big mess and run from me, she couldn’t just leave. We were messed up, folks.  We kept it hidden, like many families I suppose. The point is though I didn’t hit her or the kids she felt the same fear and left. Your transgressions don’t always immediately bring about their consequences. That is in no way under your control.

I slept on the couch; it was too difficult to sleep alone in our bed. I filly wallowed in my misery. In fact I entertained suicidal thoughts. I laid there on my couch for a month at least eating horrible fast food, not cooking for myself and smoking like a freight train. Then one night deep thought took me. I didn’t intend to be thinking deeply about myself and my place in the universe, it just consumed me. Suddenly there I was kind of floating above all these scenes of myself in different interactions. I was watching this unfold through eyes of truth. I could see my own horrible actions as well as the actions of the others. It was an odd sensation to be so disconnected from myself, seeing myself so clearly and finding disgust for myself in my heart. Then I saw myself lying on the couch and I looked dead and you know, it didn’t bother me. It didn’t bother me at all. Then the couch faded away and there was my body floating in this black emptiness. I watched as my clothes left, leaving me naked unto myself and then as my body faded but my consciousness didn’t; it hit me. I understood that I was alone in this vast darkness and I had only who I was for company and I was a jerk, no I was a dick, a real dick. I had hit my kids, I had hit my wife, I had bullied them all. I couldn’t love that person, I couldn’t stand him let alone being left with only him for company for all eternity. Then as the world faded back in and I realized I was sitting on my couch it all made sense to me. I set about being a nice person and considering others as I had wanted to be, but was afraid of not being, so I was passive aggressive about it and bullied people. I didn’t look at it though. I had a life full of drama I created which kept my focus off my own actions.

Then as I sat there I went back in my mind to all those interactions I had seen and I watched myself and I noticed one thing in all of them:

The moment you witness yourself making an excuse to yourself for your own bad behavior is your call to enlightenment by establishing the source, action of and only escape from your own karma.

It was true in every single instance.

Let me quickly explain how I see karma so that that sentence can make more sense. Karma is the wave you create by acting other than yourself. When you try to act tough the universe smacks you down. Some times its just as clear cut as that and sometimes it’s a total mystery but it always, always, always stems from excusing yourself for what you hold others to judgment for. Theft, for example, is mostly universal. Universally, most people would say it’s wrong. Now, not giving up your seat on the bus to someone else, which is up to your own moral fiber, could be wrong but stepping away from that will cause a wave you have to overcome. Your life is your own and it is shaped by you; by your conception of yourself. When you don’t live up to what you know you should be the Universe sets u[p tests, challenges and lessons to help you see it, but it is still up to you to see it.

So there I was on my couch reliving all these painful moments in which I was a complete tool and standing against my choices. It was like I had to go back and atone for them all and fix them by standing for what was right. I had to watch myself hitting my son and witness the true horrible ugly I embodied and unleashed upon my gentle son. I had to drive into the center of me, down into my soul, the reality of how wrong that was, what I should have done, what I did to him. I had to account for it all. So I spent my three months in solitude when I wasn’t working and I did nothing but look back at myself. Slowly but surely I emerged a different person. I found my own gentle roots, which look so much like my son it breaks my heart. Doing that helped me see how to be a better father to them, a better husband to my wife and a better person for myself.

It was the worst of times; it was the best of times.

I vowed to walk in the light of truth from that moment on. Much later after having found Buddhism (which paralleled my experience) and working with Rinpoche, my Lama, I learned three simple steps to maintaining that walk: Be humble, Be a good person, what will be will be.

Your life is your own, you are responsible for it completely; your actions, your inactions and your reactions - from the three levels of being – they must all be in harmony for you to be able to find happiness…

Or so it is in my experience.

Namaste

Come on People now, smile on your brother

Yesterday my wife, my eleven year old son and I were almost in a head-on collision. A heavy duty truck, which looked like a cement mixer, belonging to an environmental service company was straddling the double yellow center line around a blind corner.  The look of shock on his face as we came around in our lane truly frightened me. His truck was too large, too heavy and moving too fast for him to maneuver at all. I swung my car to the curb on my side and came to a stop. He missed us by inches and …. just kept going. He just drove off. I took the next block and backtracked. I was extremely upset. I wanted this jackass to know what he almost did. I found him two blocks up about to make a right on the street I was on and as I passed him I yelled, cursed and told him to pull into the nearest parking lot. I know. It was a stupid thing to do. I was caught up in moment. The problem was my initial approach.

When he didn’t pull into the lot but instead taunted and goaded me with his passenger as he kept driving I decided to take this to his boss. I knew where their office was, we used to work in the same office park. I hope he received a written reprimand. I plan on following up in a few days, but that isn’t the point of this, it’s about how we treat each other, about our initial approach; our combined consciousness.

You see all of us enter our isolation booths and maneuver through our city avoiding all the jackasses on the road without ever realizing that those jackasses are approaching it the exact same way. Where did this sense of entitlement come from? When did all of us decide that our city, government, country, the world, all of existence was there to witness the “me show”? How do we figure we are the only important one?

Well with that attitude fell our cooperation, our compassion, our willingness to do what is right. What we adopted was the willingness to do what is right… for me. We disconnected from each other and started to take care of only ourselves. We drew lines, like we always have throughout history, in order to set ourselves against them to make it easier to excuse our behavior to ourselves. It’s competition; on the roads, in the office, in the community in the home. I’m all for doing the best you can and felling good about your accomplishments but when are we taking care of the most important aspect? I mean sure, we can be the best on the road, the best in the office, and the best in the community but if we’re not tending to our initial approach then all we end up with is a trophy shelf we admire alone. No one, I mean no one, wants to be taken advantage of; not on the road, in the office, in the community or in the home. So when did we flip and change to this me only approach? More importantly, why haven’t we noticed and done something about it?

We treat each other like enemies on the road, we have “road rage” which doesn’t come from congestion, it comes from our mindset. If they’re enemies then there are no holds barred. We drop polite society and “handle our business”. I call bullshit. I don’t want every other motorist on the road to treat me this way, then without being a massive hypocrite, so I cannot take advantage. I must follow the rules we have all agreed to.

We approach all of life in this same way. It’s been going for so long. I grew up in this mindset. I was a child in the 80’s during the “me generation” and boy isn’t that the truth. We were taught to take care of “No.1” and a bunch of other catchy slogans we would repeat to desensitize us from the usury we were being bred into. We did as every generation does, we improved upon the existing system. The improvement? “The Game”! It’s where I can act like a complete asshole and then excuse my behavior with the slogan “don’t hate the player, hate the game” which is tantamount to saying “don’t blame me, I’m no worse than everyone else”. That’s just great, lowest common denominator societal norms! How did we not notice we were circling the drain? How did we all adopt this philosophy so quickly? So easily? I mean it started in a subculture, as all things do, and went mainstream so quickly. Then came the “haters” and how we don’t have to listen to anyone, because haters are going to hate. What a giant system of self-delusion. That means I can be however I like because I only have to be better than those I judge to be less; which is to say I can do what I want because I can always judge people in such a way as to allow my bad behavior. Then, when I piss people off I don’t have to listen to them because I can just label them “haters” and dismiss them. It’s the recipe to complete deluded pseudo-happiness.  All of that outward manipulation causes us to live within ourselves and use our bodies like a robot. All the hate from the haters just hits the robot and doesn’t get through…. and neither does the love, neither does the happiness… nothing does.

So here we are; a world of people hiding within themselves and all of them missing out on life. It’s messy, you will cry, you will love and you will lose and all of it is the experience you were meant to have. There is no hiding from it, there is no broadcast delay in which you have a moment to factor your next move, nope. You act, you live, you learn, you grow, you give of yourself and you pass on. If you’re one of those lucky beautiful souls you touch the world with your honesty.

I am saddened by how many beautiful souls I meet who insist on remaining caterpillars.

Come on people now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another
Right now
Come on people now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another
Right now
Come on people now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another
Right now

The Yougbloods

When Life was Sesame Street

I was thinking the other day about love, compassionate love and the state of the world. I was thinking about our politics, our business, our government and our society. It seems so involved, deluded, convoluted and manufactured with an agenda. I think that is what bothers me most, the agenda. When you know that the way you want it doesn’t serve everyone and selfishly subvert it to your own gain. I think that describes the actions of those three groups I just mentioned, don’t you? I remember a different time, as all generations do; we all have our “good ol’ days”. Mine were Sesame Street and it was beautiful.

To me the world was made up of people who were loving and tolerant. There were people from different races coexisting, different religions, folks who were hearing impaired and visitors with all sorts of challenges and triumphs. It was a beautiful world to live in and I remember it well.

What happened? We grew up, but more specifically we became jaded. We became aware of ourselves and our focus shifted from the outside world to the inner world of our fears and delusions. We became obsessed with not being exposed, no one can see the real me. We heaped on layers of personae of the characters we so desperately wished to be. We grew and popularized them in their stereotypes and placed them, like the marionettes they are, against each other to run out the endless scenarios of our interactions through our stories in books and movies, in our art, in our poems in our culture. We understood what evil is only when we gave ourselves the example first. When some exaggeration of a thing which we knew existed within us pinged us for the first time. When the outside world reflected the ways in which we let ourselves down, when we could see our own bad possibilities in the actions of others we began to build out walls. Brick by self deluded brick we build the walls of “they’re worse than me” to excuse our failings to ourselves. That first selfish deed where the fabric of us was torn into two; when we knew what was right but decided to do what we wanted, to get what we desired; in that moment we sold out our Sesame Street.

Is it lost forever? Must it be exiled to nostalgia? I don’t believe so. I believe we can retrace our steps and stand against that slithery part of ourselves which made the weak or selfish choices. We can go back in our minds and realign with right. We can learn those lessons of sharing, compassion, tolerance, of love and of the ways of life. We can live honestly, wholly authentic in our body, speech and mind. We can participate, and become personally invested and active in every moment of our lives. We can kill the autopilot. We can be mindful. We can be gentle. We can recognize that subversive part of ourselves; that part which clings to things and work against it. We can meditate until we realize that while it is who we are and needs to be accepted and loved it is also not who we are. By that I mean if you were to erase time and space and remove everyone who isn’t supposed to see the real you, only then would the real you be left exposed. That is who you are and if you don’t like it, do something about it. Understand your Dzogchen; understand you’re Dzogchen.

There is a Native American story “An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."”

Those are not solid physical parts of your body are they? They are energies and I believe it is true, the one you feed wins or as the Buddha said "The thought manifests as the word; the word manifests as the deed; the deed develops into habit; and habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care, and let it spring from love born out of concern for all beings."

From Sesame Street to Wall Street we don’t have to change, we give in to the fear that others are and they will somehow have an advantage. It’s weakness on our parts that we aren’t strong enough to live our morals, our ideals actually, literally. When I say we, I mean each individual should regardless of those around them. I certainly don’t mean to be saying that we should wait for all of us to, because we already know that drill. It’s in practice as we speak. No, I mean that each one of us should take a deep trip within, figure out who we are and bring that genuine person back into the world. We should be open to express ourselves and open to the expressions of others. If you don’t agree with it, walk away.

Above all we should understand this: We should never be abusive in pointing out the abuse of others.

I believe in a world where we can be gentle to each other without limiting passion. I believe in a world where we can have tolerance and still make the strides which come from deep belief. I believe we can all get along and love each other unconditionally. I believe we could live in Sesame Street if only we were committed to it rather than chasing profit.

For my Son: Aiden

My son, Aiden, was born in May of 1999 and passed that same day due to complications from a heart defect known as Tetrology of Fallot.  The reason I’m sharing this with you is because a friend of mine asked advice on helping a young person who was feeling suicidal. It may seem odd to share the story of a child’s death to help someone cope with life, but this isn’t the story of my son, it’s mine.

My wife and I had only been married four years when our son died. It had been a whirlwind of emotion. At one point we were given hope from the staff at John’s Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, feeling that it all may be able to be repaired in surgery. They couldn’t account for his underdeveloped lungs though and he was unable to survive.

With my wife in her post-partum room and my family helping her as much as possible with the decision we had made to let him pass, I walked the corridor down to take him from life support. My eyes still get misty when I think of this. It is, without a doubt, the single hardest thing I have ever had to do. I watched & helped a bit as they took him from life support. I wrapped him quickly but carefully and carried his quickly graying body from NICU to our room so my wife could love her son before he passed. I was operating on a different level, none of my concerns mattered, only my son and my wife. He passed in our arms with our tears upon his head.

I took my cold, grey and motionless son back to the NICU and kissed his head. I whispered my words into his ears last. I took my moment with him in the hallway outside the NICU.

That moment both destroyed and saved my life. It was a four year downward spiral which cumulated when my wife left me and took our children. We had moved to Texas after Aiden and conceived another child, Connor. My wife didn’t want our children too far apart in age as she and her brothers were. She felt they would be closer in relationship if they were close in age. I think she was right. We started to drift apart. My wife and I and we didn’t even realize it. Being from a broken home, a family was the most important thing to me. I truly lived up to my astrological set, being a Cancer. When I lost my son I became over-protective, micro-managing and extremely controlling. I began to manufacture a perfect life and a perfect family and I came down hard on my wife or kids when they didn’t meet my expectations. My wife had her own problems and the distance between us resulted in her living a double life with me. The person I thought was agreeing with me and how I was thinking was just a sort of “yes man”. The rift grew, with me not knowing she didn’t agree and her unable to speak to me about how she actually felt.   I mistreated my sons in chasing this “ideal”, so did she in trying to manufacture her own separate “reality” but who can say such things to parents when they’re grieving?

The end came when I was abusive to my family. I had let this fear force me inwards and I was lost inside myself. My moment of clarity came when I was lying on my couch; everything started to fade away and soon everything was black and I was floating in nothing. I had the realization that this was eternity and that all I had for company was me. I was an asshole and I didn’t like myself one bit. As I realized that my body faded away as well and all I was left with was my consciousness. It was the perspective of me and it was ALL about me and only me. I realized that was a large part of my problem. I had been asking my family to lie down and sacrifice their own wants and desires for my own. I wasn’t being fair and I knew it. I looked inside myself and I could point out all those moments where I knew what I was doing wasn’t fair but looked away. I saw myself, my inner cooperation side making excuses to myself for being a dick. I chose not to look away anymore. I chose to be good.

Eventually this reality took hold and I became a different person. I had self-confidence because I had stopped letting myself down. I had given myself reason to have confidence in me. Self-respect, self-love, self-assuredness comes from choosing to be the best you; from facing the fear and standing tall.

I openly admit now my transgressions of the past. I would want that were I in their shoes. I don’t spend my time trying to “make it up” to them because that’s not possible and any reasonable person would really only want the change to happen not a big song and dance.

Again, I’m writing this today because a friend of mine shared with me someone asking her for help and feeling suicidal. To that person:

You have no idea now how beautiful you are & will become. Give yourself time, all things change. In the darkest of my sorrow I felt there was no hope… but then I wasn’t strong enough to go looking either.

The sun doesn’t shine in your window all day, every day. There will be days that you have to find the resolve to wait until tomorrow, to find the strength to walk through the rain. You have it within you, right now, to be absolutely amazing. Amazing people have down times, they cry and they get hurt too…. It’s the perspective of them which keeps them going. You have the opportunity now to let the failings of your family lock you down by a) believing in them or b) rebelling against them… either way you’re still attached to it. Choose c) Be the best me I can be according to what I believe and stand for it.

We’re all living the perspective of me. Some of us simply cannot see any other way; I know I used to be locked into that cave. Have faith that we can all break free from it. Your parents, your kids, your family may be locked in a perspective which affords no other view… show them love; share with them you. Your life is yours and it is legendary… don’t make it the story of someone who did nothing for a very long time then passed away safely. Live your life.

Be a good person, be humble, what will, be will be.

Namaste

Don't Act; BE

"Never try to ACT like someone you're not, because it's acting and that is just a shortcut to being... so in the end you'll just be faking a new person but taking the same shortcuts you are now. Don't act; be."

All of us want to improve who we are; our media, from screen to print, tells us so. So how do you go about change or improvement and make it real? You have to ask yourself "How far am I willing to go? How much do I want this change?" and the key question you have to ask yourself "How honest am I prepared to be with myself?". Otherwise you're just going through the motions again, and aren't you sick of fading change?

Have you ever heard the phrase "Fake it until you make it"? I can't think of a more destructive path to self-improvement. All of us are aware of our inner-most place, the place our consciousness seats. It's the place you talk to yourself non-verbally. It's your inner space. I call it the cave. It's the place, I believe, we understood first as children. The day we understood "I am" as coming from within not what your parent was pointing at from the outside. Later on, it will become the place we can think and not even God can hear us. It's a refuge we create from the world. It's the place we where we know we're just faking it and even if we get really good at it, we will know we're still only faking it. It's the carrot called "make it". Faking it will never bring us happiness, true happiness, which won't fade.

So there you are, sitting inside yourself, lost and wondering what to do next. Life isn't working and every change you've made backfires or does nothing to help at all.  It's time to get real with yourself. The phrase "I won't do this ever again, and this time I mean it" wouldn't be pop-culture if it wasn't true on some level. How many times have you said it? I don't have enough fingers on my hands for how many times I have said it.  Ever notice that when you say that you're in a different place inside yourself than you are right now? It's like you're some slick car salesman pulling the wool over your own eyes. So, how seriously are you going to take this? You have to silence the salesman; you have to know better, and do better. You have to consciously turn away from the easy road and start the real work. You know, that truth you've been doing all you can to get away from? It's now time to hoist that on your back and take care of it.

The very first thing you have to do is some housecleaning of the cave. You, like all of us, have skeletons to clear out. You may be thinking that you already have cleared those out, and so only you know if that is the truth. So we come to: Just how honest are you willing to be with yourself? To me, there is only one level of honest; absolute. So the way I look at it, you're not throwing those skeletons out, instead you're facing them down and accepting them. You have to be able to both stand against the deed and love the doer unconditionally. That is you have to be against what you did, fundamentally and completely against it, while still having understanding and compassion for the you which did it. You have to be able to love yourself, after all; you're stuck with you for your entire life.

What is left when you’ve cleared everything out? After you're done fighting your demons and wound up loving yourself more for the process, what is left? It feels so, empty. The first urge is to define who you are by everything around you. Your likes, and your hates. "I am a pacifist!" "I am a father." "I am a professor" and so on. Or, "I'm against violence" "I'm for the sanctity of marriage" "I believe in Socialism". Stop, stop, stop! None of that matters anyway. They're not definitions, they are what you make your decisions by. They are your values, not you. Now that you've cleared everything out, what you're left with is you. Not the fake puppet you that you've spent your whole life crafting into a super cool adult, but the real and actual you.

So, who are you? Do you even know? Can you tell me without leaving the perspective of your cave? Can you tell me without looking out and echo-locating or looking in an judging? Can you simply be and know who you are? It's an intangible thing isn't it? You are in a constant state of flux, ever changing and growing, ever the student. Be-ing is now, act-ing is a plot for future being which projects the mind to an imaginary state in the future and excuses any behavior of how you got there; it's a short cut. That is faking it until you make it, but you never do. "Make it", that is. You'll always know that you're lying to yourself and what ever you were trying to be; you'll always know it is a sham. You need to find the center of yourself which doesn't change while you're constantly changing. I've often thought of it as the overall intention of your life. It's what all those "I am" and other definitions compiled and averaged out are. So you end up being the intention of all of your choices, like some giant flow chart leading to one person that you cannot be and witness at the same time. There can be only one! You either are or you're examining yourself. There is nothing wrong with that as long as you recognize that that is you and what you're witnessing is really only your memory of  what you were.

You've discovered the secret. That change comes only from making the choice to be that good person, every choice, every day with conscious purpose. Then faking it to making it becomes a delicate dance of imperfection. It becomes accepting yourself as you fail while not accepting failure. It's strict self compassion. It's life, one day at a time. It is nothing more than simply being the change, and it turns out Gandhi was really on to something so deep we may never hope to fully understand it. You exist, so go and be who you are and you'll find that happiness & love were all around you all the while and it was really you who were getting in your way and selling you a load of bunk. You'll find that change is hard work and it resides in our minute to minute choices which add up to be who we are. Go and BE!

The Fabric of US

The fabric of a civilization, to me, has always been how well it's people work together. Then I drive to work and watch as more and more people run red lights, stop signs, speed, drive dangerously.... funny how you're my countryman until we're driving near each other, then you're my enemy.

No wonder we're so confused.... but then adjust your perspective even farther and see how civilized our planet has become. I'm trying to find some reason to be proud of US without having the source of that thing I'm proud of come from our disgrace.

The grocery store, shopping malls, amusement parks and so on; they all seem to have the same atmosphere: competition. Where did the cooperation go? Where did consideration go? Where did all the values we were raised to believe disappear to? When did we grow to hate each other so much? We villianize yet don't want to be villianized. We are prejudiced yet don't want to be prejudged? It amazes me. We join a group, be it religious or what have you, which defines itself by what it's opposed to not what it believes in and we can't figure out why the positives in our lives are eroding?

How many have given control over? How many consciously positive acts do make in any given day? How do you take control over your own life and happiness? I've heard so many excuses, just in conversations with my friends. So many join that group as that positive act so that the group can do the positive work for them, then they simply go back to the way they were before while believing they are in some way contributing. No, I'm sorry, you're not. What you're doing is buying a clean conscience. Don't feel too bad though, that has happened all throughout our history. It wasn't too long ago you could buy your way into heaven, according to the Catholic Church, but don't tell Martin Luther we've undone his work and that you can, once again, buy indulgences. You may say that this is only one "branch" of Catholicism and that it doesn't pertain to you directly. Well, do you live on this planet? Are you exposed to people who are a) of a different religion or b) read? Then how exactly do you keep this concept from invading your consciousness?  It isn't a solid & tangible thing, like gingivitis which we fight by using mouthwash. It is before words,  not of this reality, a concept which is exposed to us all and whether presented positively or negatively anyone can be exposed to it. You cannot rid the world of it because it comes from us, all of us. It comes from every lazy inclination we indulge, every corner we cut, every half step we excuse. It is our nature, it seems, to live down to our lowest not up to our highest consciousness. 

Have you ever worked somewhere and it just clicked? Where everyone was pulling their weight and the whole thing was fun to be a part of? Do you remember when it died? Because they all do. It only takes one person to shift a bit, a new person added, a stabilizing force to leave, etc and it's all gone and all those folks who were giving their 100% now watch to see how much everyone else is going to do first. How easily our ideals crumble. It only takes one anymore. There was a day where peoples moral fiber was stronger, when their work ethic was more sound; of course with that great positive came the counterbalance of closed mindedness. It seems we have always been trying to find a way to live our ideals, and compromising. There is a huge difference between compromise for the greater good and compromise to avoid a conflict. Once we head down that road we are forever governed by the bullies in our life.

The great civilizations of our time came about from the work of cooperative individuals. There was no way to buy the great democracy of ancient Greece, well not at least until it it transformed and became the warlike nation of Rome. Then you could buy your democracy, which would be a bit more fair in your favor. The same concept exists today, we call them special interest groups and lobbyists. It is a way to circumvent the system and get more for me than for you. It's how our country works now, and we can see it's action in our everyday encounters; the mall, the grocery store, the highway; anyplace many of us congregate without supervision or leadership. No one is sitting on the front of your shopping cart reminding you to be considerate. No one is riding shotgun helping you to see what a dick you're being by cutting that guy off. We have only ourselves to rely upon and we're not up to the task anymore. We've given away our responsibility, to our government; all while we said it was corrupt, buy hey, it's better than actually getting involved, our religious organizations; which tell us who to hate, just about anyone who promises us less work and more fantasy. We no longer believe in the sacrifice of parenthood and we leave our kids to be raised by "Jersey Shore" and other "reality" television because, hey, it's easier than getting involved. We see the lack of our action everywhere. We see this attitude, which we greedily adopt, all over and we "support it from our lands in the north while I gain English favor by condemning it, and ordering it opposed from our lands in the south" and this dialogue takes place within us, between our puppets and our true selves and still we wonder why we're so confused. It is our bright and true self wanting to do good giving in to the We wonder why we have no hope. We wonder why the world seems so bleak. We wonder why no one has fixed it yet. We suck.

We pollute and make the excuses of how it is necessary for our survival, there we go ordering it condemned and supporting it all at the same time. We just made our existence now more important than generations to come, yet we don't see it in that light. The light of truth which is without excuses or "circumstances". Just look for yourself and see what you see. Detach yourself from the viewpoints given to you through family, community, religion, government, nationality, gender, age, sexual orientation and so on and find your true self and look. Find your morals and ethics, define who you are through your actions not your clothes, house, job, car, money because all of those are just the merit badges of looking away, of saying "this doesn't concern me" and falling back to sleep while children have their childhood stolen to make the clothes which define who you are. You exist before words, before concepts and you are completely free to be the person you are. We are, all of us, responsible for our selves, our brothers and sisters, this planet and every single second of our lives. Remember that job? The one where it just clicked and everyone got along. Do you remember?

Why can't the world be that way? I'll tell you, the reason is us.

We have had beautiful souls who have tried and tried to tell us, to warn us and yet we won't listen... until after their death, then we define ourselves by their words. Don't define yourself by their words, understand them; find yourself to an understanding of the concept before the words and look into your honest heart and see if it exists there, only you can know.

Examine these with your soul:

A 'No' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.
Mohandas Gandhi 

We win justice quickest by rendering justice to the other party.
Mohandas Gandhi


What is true of the individual will be tomorrow true of the whole nation if individuals will but refuse to lose heart and hope.
Mohandas Gandhi

Those who say religion has nothing to do with politics do not know what religion is.
Mohandas Gandhi

Though we may know Him by a thousand names, He is one and the same to us all.
Mohandas Gandhi

We do not need to proselytise either by our speech or by our writing. We can only do so really with our lives. Let our lives be open books for all to study.
Mohandas Gandhi

Service which is rendered without joy helps neither the servant nor the served. But all other pleasures and possessions pale into nothingness before service which is rendered in a spirit of joy.
Mohandas Gandhi

A nation that is afraid to let its people judge the truth and falsehood in an open market is a nation that is afraid of its people.
John F. Kennedy

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.
John F. Kennedy


A nation or civilization that continues to produce soft-minded men purchases its own spiritual death on the installment plan.
Martin Luther King, Jr.


A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom.
Martin Luther King, Jr.


A riot is the language of the unheard.
Martin Luther King, Jr.


An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

At the center of non-violence stands the principle of love.
Martin Luther King, Jr.


Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.
Martin Luther King, Jr.


Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness the important thing is they should be part of our daily lives.
Dalai Lama

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.
Dalai Lama

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Dalai Lama


Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day.
Dalai Lama



Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.
Buddha

However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act on upon them?
Buddha

In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves.
Buddha

It is a man's own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways.
Buddha

It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.
Buddha

The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.
Buddha

Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill.
Buddha

The thought manifests as the word; the word manifests as the deed; the deed develops into habit; and habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care, and let it spring from love born out of concern for all beings.
Buddha

and, though I'm vastly out of my league with these beautiful souls, one of my own:

The recognition of a moment where you witnessed yourself making an excuse to yourself for your own bad behavior is your call to enlightenment by establishing the source, action of and only escape from your own karma.
Ryan Nikkel

The Thought Manifests...

"The thought manifests as the word; the word manifests as the deed; the deed develops into habit; and habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care, and let it spring from love born out of concern for all beings." Buddha. Thought is the first and fastest step into the cave. A simpler truth I don't think has ever been spoken. This is a deep and entailed subject and yet it really is all within that simple statement. I have written about the cave, the name I have for that place which exists inside all of us which we believe to be separate and hidden, our own sanctuary. It's the place that the thought, that Buddha told us to watch, takes place. Deep inside ourselves, do you know what I'm talking about?

The cave is that place we sweetly tell ourselves lies. When we didn't get that promotion, when he/she doesn't notice us, when we broke grandma's lamp; all the excuses and rationalizations take place in the cave. It really is who we really are. However it's not the liar, but the sleeper who is lied to that we are. We have to take a stand and choose to be that person. That is a huge step because that person is the one who didn't get the promotion because they've had a shitty attitude at work, not because the boss is unfair. That is the person who cheated in the third grade and most certainly knew better. That is the person who.... fill in your own lies to yourself here. You'll figure it out, and what you'll see is that those tiny thoughts which we grow into lies are where you have to start. They float in like so much food for the eel of your ego to snap up and turn into soothing self-deception. You must take a stand against this if you ever hope to experience true happiness. Because the soothing lies bear with them a mask which is a barrier between you and the real world. At worst it becomes a fantasy world you inhabit and operate what was a mask and is now a marionette called you.

As you move through life friends will come and friends will go. The ones who stay have seen either the deepest level of truth you're able to allow, or have really seen you. The ones who move on either do so because of circumstances (some of which we ourselves engineer) or an interaction with us in which we used our mask or puppet against them. We can be secure enough to look for this if we have taken a firm stand on being not the liar, not the puppet but that sleeping soul, the actual perpetrator of all our evil deeds. When we hoist that responsibility onto our shoulders we will become. So that thought, which entered the cave as a tiny particle with no effect on us has been taken in and has been made into a dark pearl which sits in our heart. It has been pressed into a brick to add to the walls we've been building. It is a stepping away from our true heart, the heart which knows right from wrong, and leaves us piloting the remote to a fancy me-puppet which responds in real time; no batteries needed. It slowly separates from those we love. It slowly isolates us and drains us. Sometimes we use a substance as the train from pain into the cave. When we can't think quickly enough to fabricate a reason, we need some lubricant. When we are too afraid to speak, too afraid to own who we really are but aren't accomplished enough liars we hide in our abuses and obsessions. Slowly that eel has us all to itself. It whispers soothing lies and keeps us there like the "other mother" versions of ourselves. Can you see it's button eyes? Look for this when you feel alone, when you feel hopeless, lost, spun, twisted, confused and the like. When your friends have left you, when you've raged against the world, when the dust settles, take a good look within and don't be fooled by the shiny surfaces of your lies. If it really were that spectacular you'd have your own reality show by now, or at least; you wouldn't be alone. Something is amiss.

So I've seen in, I've done battle with the eel, I've won victory and I own that third grade indiscretion. My work isn't done. Now that I'm awake and taking responsibility for who I actually am, I have a lot of clean up to do. I will most certainly fall back as I deal with the mess and all the incoming bologna the eel action has set forth in my life. I will eventually work through all the new stuff and I will have time to face the old. How do I know what is what? What if I get lost again (and you will)? What if? The real question is how do I recognize the fall? That eel is slippery and that eel is & always has been, you. The lies are sweet and easy so how do I know? When we're alone in life or feel like it, go back to the cave and center and own it. When I feel alien I could have slipped, I could just be uncomfortable being. When we have to rewrite the script of our lives quickly to accommodate that familiar feeling, to "patch things up", to smooth it out and so on. When our stomach tells us to. When Jiminy Cricket sings to us we should go back to the cave and be. When we secretly suspect, we should be proactive and go check. When we're "planning on something" but not doing it. When we're waiting for something but not moving forward. When we're trying to do or get something, but not actually doing or getting it. Each trip back to the cave brings with it our light. The grey starts to fade and the path becomes clear. We are in charge, or more to the point, you are in charge of every action you take, of every choice you make and, ultimately, on every thought you feed the eel.

Ok, I'm back at the cave, now what? We have to take a clear stand against delusion.  It is a stand we take against ourselves, against the actions we took our lies which covered it. We must know: I am the sleeper not the liar. I am one person. I did what I have done. I own the depth of my self in my actions. I know when I "knew better" and I watched myself look away. When I recognize myself make an excuse to myself for my own indiscretions, I know that is my beanstalk outta here! I have often said:  The recognition of a moment where you witnessed yourself making an excuse to yourself for your own bad behavior is the call to enlightenment by establishing the source of, action of and only escape from, your own karma. You have to own those moments, like ladders to your higher self you must own the first rung and every rung you climb. You must take a decisive stand and you must be only one person while you do, it absolutely must be wholly authentic. And just in case you're feeling down about this, that it's too heavy to shoulder, believe me when I say; You are worth it! You are so very much worth your own effort.

Now that I've been in and made it out, now that I'm free, now that the Universe makes perfect sense and I can really see... now in my elation I will celebrate! I've made it! Hooray!... oh damn, here I go again. It's so easy to slip. Just remember to be. You know who you are, and if you don't find yourself go looking. I found myself by going back to find Vizzini. I went to the beginning of myself. No, not my birth, but the place outside of space and time where I exist and I defined my morals, I defined my ethics and I took a stand on every moment which didn't meet them. I allowed for being human so I didn't obsess and I came out. I came out into the world naked and aware and me. So simple, to just be you. Your journey is yours; these are just my sign posts to my brothers and my sisters. We make this world we live in by who we will be. The past is a memory from only my perspective and so isn't truth. The future is only conjecture or anticipation and again only from my perspective and isn't truth. Right now I exist with you and that spark between us, that unspoken magic, that fabric of the Universe which I believe to be love is the only truth because it encompasses us all. It is right now and we really should just get on with it.

My own path has brought these words of wisdom to me:
 What will be will be. I will be humble. I will be a good person. I will be.