Sharing really is caring

I really believe that sharing is caring, but the thought was brought back into my mind this morning during a Tourette's fit. They're usually directly linked to my stress level, which, with various anxiety disorders means it varies, for no reason and with no warning. Though it is usually correlated to my actual stress level. It usually goes like this:

Stress level:

1 - I don't know yet haha but pacing, definitely pacing... I never stop pacing
2 - The occasional twitch of the shoulders and straightening of clothing (the clothing thing always exists, like having clean hands and such)
3 -
4 -
5 - 3 to 5 range from stuttering, neck craining, hand twitches, foot tapping, guttural noises and clicks and the like. I usually sing during these times in order to focus on what I'm doing. In times like these I feel blessed I learned so many Earth based Pagan songs. They help focus my mind on positive things.
6 -
7 -
8 - High stress times I stutter badly and it always accompanies neck craining: sometimes to the point of such pain that I cry out. The hand body twitches become more exaggerated and the foot tapping becomes leg spasms and jerks. Yes, I admit here and now that I have spasmed into the Thriller dance on one occasion. On high pain days from the fibro, which I'll get to later, the spasms are in my back and they can take me down in an instant in complete agony.
9 -
10 - These days are all of the above with fibro nerve flashes which leave me utterly nonfunctional.

My wife and my kids know all of this because they've lived it, the poor things, as it's come about. I wasn't always this way. The onset of Fibromyalgia exacerbated what my Neurologist called "undiagnosed childhood Tourette's syndrome"  which made sense as I've been a finger drummer for as long as I can remember. To anyone on the outside it may seem odd and I know it makes situations uncomfortable so as I shared with my immediate family, I share with you my family at large.

Allow me to digress; I shared all of this in order to set the frame work for the sharing of my walk through Fibromyalgia. Also understand that I have arthritis and my knees are bone on bone, and I have some band disorder my Rheumatologist explained but I don't understand which means my hips ache and pop out of socket frequently. So knowing all of this I'll explain my Fibromyalgia. I say my because it's a host of disorders which plague different people differently. For instance it heightened the already existing Tourettete's and OCD (CDO) and brought new anxieties. My pain level is always parallel to stress changes and changes in barometric pressure. There are eighteen nerve points recognized as very sensitive with fibro and you can have any number of them active. I have all eighteen points active at varying levels of sensativity which correlate to changes in stress, movement, overall health, mental state (which is a real Bugger) and others. They can also just heighten for no reason. Mine are as follows:


1 - My back (4 lower back and 2 upper back at the base of my neck) and my right knee are sensitive though I'm rarely at this pain level with a cognitive mind. Mild headache. I creak like the rigging on an old sailing ship. Extreme discomfort as though I just can't get comfortable.
2 - Back, knees, headache at the base of my neck.
3 -
4 -
5 - Again from 3 to 5: Back (all points from this point forward), knees, elbows, ankles, feet (at the soles), hands, headache complete head mild migraine symptoms, clouded thinking, IBS, lethargy, loss of appetite, muscle spasms in my back and sometimes in my leg, The leg ones I walk out because I pace, the back ones are all day long twitches. If I sit down for too long they lock up and cause the points in my back to hit a 10 in pain. I have sat through one full movie with my family in four years.
6 -
7 -
8 - You know the drill: Extreme lethargy I'd liken to my worst bout of the flu (when I had pneumonia) extreme body and joint pain (my hands are swollen clubs), my knees feel like they're filled with broken glass, the foot pain is like a hot coal on the pad while the foot remains extremely cold with swollen joints, migraine headache, clouded thinking, grumpy, Anxiety bouts with shrieks at loud noises and flinches at sudden movements, IBS from the very bowels of hell,
9 -
10 - They blur into one and it's all of the above with inescapable agony that writhing in the fetal position won't comfort. Nothing helps; there is no place dark enough, soft enough, warm enough, cool enough... if I could be suspended in air I couldn't find comfort and I feel like I know how the Earth must feel moments before magma becomes lava.

So I tell my family and close friends what my pain level is at. I do so because I have no sores, no open wounds which are dressed, no outward signs really other than my permanently dark eyes to alert anyone that I am sick. I am sick.

I am sick.

It has taken me so long to simply admit that. I have fears of hypochondria so I am very stubborn about being sick. I have been sick for as long as I can remember. I have grown a strong dislike of doctors and western medicine in general. I has taken me a long time to become medicated again though my life is MUCH better being so.  I was told at my last doctors visit that I am maxed out on Lyrica and Cymbalta; lovely. I have to fight what I assume (yes I assume) is the doctors view that I'm just after some pain medicine like percocet or something. I don't want that. I really dislike the feeling of those pain meds. I don't drink to the point of feeling "off" and I don't like that no matter what I take, prescription pain meds, I feel that way. I am a medical marijuana patient. I have been for two years. The amount of pain relief is directly in my hands. The type of relief is under my control as well. By using different types I directly address what I hurting or wrong. I can remain functional and believe me it has saved my marriage because I'm no peach to live with. My wife is a Saint for putting up with me, truly.

I wake up groggy and I go to bed wide awake. I pace all day so that when I go to bed I'm exhausted and I'll sleep as still as possible because I don't want to ruin Rose's sleep. I still sleep restlessly and the points on my back have caused us to cuddle much less. I really miss that physical contact. To explain my back; have you ever had a broken or bad tooth? Where the root was exposed? Where just the slightest breath inward was felt and it could surge to a burning pain at the lightest touch? It's like my lower back is a mouth full of broken teeth. The Lyrica and Cymbalta keep the pain at about a high discomfort level. My family know where to hug me safely, others I keep the pain within; it's worth it for the physical contact and exchange of love. After the hug, which usually ends with a pat on the back, I smile and excuse myself to go walk off the pain. I will not miss out on a hug, and if you're reading this and thinking of hugging me less, even one hug, please please don't. Please don't withhold, I am a hugger. 

I meditate in the morning to offset the lost sleep. I try to meditate a couple hours a day between sitting Shinay and walking Shinay. I open my shrine in the morning which consists of chants which set my intention in the right direction, offerings of saffron water and candles and incense when I have it. I center myself through this process. I get the coffee going and get my family off for their day. I ask them every day "Did you get enough sleep? Did you get enough to eat? Are you going to have a good day?" We play fun music. My youngest son likes Stevie Wonder's "Sir Duke" especially and I love the way he sings it in the morning. After they're off I will come home and medicate and walk out the cramps and spasms. About Noon I'll be able to get out and about to run any errands. I recently got a handicapped parking placard. I thought I wouldn't use it often because as we parked in the past I had thought about getting one and assessed if I would "need" to use it. That assessment was flawed though because it was from the perspective in which parking there wasn't actually an option. I use it a lot. I walk with a cane for a few reasons: my knees; they won't do a knee replacement until I'm in my 60's with the lack of insurance I have. So I'm using what I have wisely and walking with a cane. It's also for my back. My right hip is what I would describe as "soggy" it doesn't hold my weight during a stride. So, the cane helps a lot even though I really dislike it. My skin is soft and thin now. When I look down I don't see my Dad's hands, I see my Grandpa Hope's hands. That's ok by me, he was a great man, but it's a little early. I'm not yet 40. I digress yet again (fibro fog) I'll go get the kids from school around 2:30 and leave again around 5:45 to get Rose from work. We'll get dinner figured out and I'll cook or help cook depending. I'll get Rose off to bed, then the kids, and I'll pace out all the pain and anxiety from the day (even though I do it throughout the day) and exhaust myself around midnight and fall asleep.

That "day" will fluctuate depending on the factors I listed and I have no retreat from my day. I cannot fail my family. I feel horrible as I am no longer the provider for me family, while at the same time I have enormous pride for my wife and how she's blossomed under this. As my body crumples up on me I struggle with depression (fibo add-on), I am unemployed and most likely unemployable, I can't work hard around the house... hell I barely keep house. I manage to taxi my family and remain an emotional support. It's all I have and I give it all.

I'm sharing all of this because I am sick, but I am a human being. I believe we need to open the dark corners, deal with them with the strength of our family. We need to dispel the thought that we should somehow be ashamed of our bodies, of who we are. We desperately need a coming together. I share because it is caring, caring that maybe this will reach someone who needs it on a day they need it. Gifts are given without thought of reciept, or they should be and I believe your very presence is a gift unto the universe for us all to share so make it the best you can give.

Imagine. Everyone, everywhere being open and giving, understanding and nonjudgmental... We have to be the change folks and this is my humble contribution.

The road to Enlightenment is through truth

I do not consider myself to be enlightened. I feel I’m on the path leading there and I feel that compassion, being a major tenet of this, that we must strengthen the bonds of our interconnectedness. To do this I feel the best way is to erase fear, since I believe it is fear which keeps us apart. I feel the best way I can do this is to expose myself to you, raw, unfiltered and real – in the light of truth.

The path to Enlightenment is through truth. I posted that earlier and several people liked and agreed with the sentiment. How closely do we look at this process though? How much light of truth do we allow to penetrate us? Because it is inversely proportionate to the levels of our misery. It seems odd to say that exposing yourself; your ugly side could lessen your misery but let me explain my walk, which is ongoing.

I wasn’t happy, life wasn’t what I wanted it to be. I wanted a bigger house, a better car, a better job; hell no job – I wanted to be independently wealthy, I wanted a better relationship with my wife. I felt lost, I felt incomplete and empty often. I wanted a better life for my kids but my own childhood left me with no tools for a normal relationship. The dynamics of my household were horrible. Everyone lived in fear of me. My excuse was that I was building a good family and that I couldn’t make everyone happy. That was total bologna; the truth was I just wanted it all my way.

As I have written before my big epiphany came when my wife took our kids and left me. I was a violent, irrational being for many years, she had grown accustomed to it so when the violence ended but I still had the same energy, the same air about me the waiting and suspense for something she was sure was coming was too much. I don’t blame her. At the time I was in the beginning of really trying to fix myself. I knew, let me get this completely clear, I knew the whole time that violence and what I was doing was wrong. Even after I had changed the bulk of it I was still aggressively after securing only my own piece of the pie. I wanted a better life for my kids…. For me; because that meant I was a good father. I never considered just relating to them and letting their needs dictate how I was a good father, nope it was all about me.

So they left…. I had a house with empty rooms. I had a job to go to and bills to pay. Part of the problem between my wife and I was money (like most families) and how it was being spent. So when she decided to leave she let the bills go, I believe, to subconsciously force her to leave. She had to make a big mess and run from me, she couldn’t just leave. We were messed up, folks.  We kept it hidden, like many families I suppose. The point is though I didn’t hit her or the kids she felt the same fear and left. Your transgressions don’t always immediately bring about their consequences. That is in no way under your control.

I slept on the couch; it was too difficult to sleep alone in our bed. I filly wallowed in my misery. In fact I entertained suicidal thoughts. I laid there on my couch for a month at least eating horrible fast food, not cooking for myself and smoking like a freight train. Then one night deep thought took me. I didn’t intend to be thinking deeply about myself and my place in the universe, it just consumed me. Suddenly there I was kind of floating above all these scenes of myself in different interactions. I was watching this unfold through eyes of truth. I could see my own horrible actions as well as the actions of the others. It was an odd sensation to be so disconnected from myself, seeing myself so clearly and finding disgust for myself in my heart. Then I saw myself lying on the couch and I looked dead and you know, it didn’t bother me. It didn’t bother me at all. Then the couch faded away and there was my body floating in this black emptiness. I watched as my clothes left, leaving me naked unto myself and then as my body faded but my consciousness didn’t; it hit me. I understood that I was alone in this vast darkness and I had only who I was for company and I was a jerk, no I was a dick, a real dick. I had hit my kids, I had hit my wife, I had bullied them all. I couldn’t love that person, I couldn’t stand him let alone being left with only him for company for all eternity. Then as the world faded back in and I realized I was sitting on my couch it all made sense to me. I set about being a nice person and considering others as I had wanted to be, but was afraid of not being, so I was passive aggressive about it and bullied people. I didn’t look at it though. I had a life full of drama I created which kept my focus off my own actions.

Then as I sat there I went back in my mind to all those interactions I had seen and I watched myself and I noticed one thing in all of them:

The moment you witness yourself making an excuse to yourself for your own bad behavior is your call to enlightenment by establishing the source, action of and only escape from your own karma.

It was true in every single instance.

Let me quickly explain how I see karma so that that sentence can make more sense. Karma is the wave you create by acting other than yourself. When you try to act tough the universe smacks you down. Some times its just as clear cut as that and sometimes it’s a total mystery but it always, always, always stems from excusing yourself for what you hold others to judgment for. Theft, for example, is mostly universal. Universally, most people would say it’s wrong. Now, not giving up your seat on the bus to someone else, which is up to your own moral fiber, could be wrong but stepping away from that will cause a wave you have to overcome. Your life is your own and it is shaped by you; by your conception of yourself. When you don’t live up to what you know you should be the Universe sets u[p tests, challenges and lessons to help you see it, but it is still up to you to see it.

So there I was on my couch reliving all these painful moments in which I was a complete tool and standing against my choices. It was like I had to go back and atone for them all and fix them by standing for what was right. I had to watch myself hitting my son and witness the true horrible ugly I embodied and unleashed upon my gentle son. I had to drive into the center of me, down into my soul, the reality of how wrong that was, what I should have done, what I did to him. I had to account for it all. So I spent my three months in solitude when I wasn’t working and I did nothing but look back at myself. Slowly but surely I emerged a different person. I found my own gentle roots, which look so much like my son it breaks my heart. Doing that helped me see how to be a better father to them, a better husband to my wife and a better person for myself.

It was the worst of times; it was the best of times.

I vowed to walk in the light of truth from that moment on. Much later after having found Buddhism (which paralleled my experience) and working with Rinpoche, my Lama, I learned three simple steps to maintaining that walk: Be humble, Be a good person, what will be will be.

Your life is your own, you are responsible for it completely; your actions, your inactions and your reactions - from the three levels of being – they must all be in harmony for you to be able to find happiness…

Or so it is in my experience.

Namaste

The Language Demon Robs You With its Gift

All words, how ever profound, are nothing more than vibrations crated by our vocal chords. They are communication, nothing more. They are meant to communicate the intent of our hearts. We have created the trap of language, the trap of allowing ownership of words. Words are nothing more than a translation of thought and how can anyone own that? I can think of the copyrighted word Coke and there isn’t anything they can do about it. I think it all I want.

For this rant, essay, conversation with myself or what ever you’d like to call it, it would be best to begin with an explanation of impermanence and how I understand it. I want you to know where I am coming from. Nothing is permanent, not one single thing.  If you doubt this, go back to your home town, the place where you lived when you were eleven years old and see if it looks anything like you remember it. The world is nothing like it was in the time of Cesar. Nothing is permanent. You could point to artifacts in the museum and I’d say “give it time, it’ll fade too”. The point of this is to illustrate the pointlessness of clinging to things and those things in this talk are words. You can copyright the word, but you don’t own it. You may have some temporary legal action upon it, but give it time, it’ll fade.

Now I’m not talking a bout life being pointless, rather I’m trying to shift us a different direction. We use our words to hurt, entrap, protect, attract, coerce, offend, anger… we use our words to manipulate life around us. We often use our words in this manipulation to validate ourselves, to prove our existence. We hold up the words of others to define who we are. We wage wars based on the words that we’ve held as our definition because if they are attacked, so are we. I feel it would be best if we understood that words are just words and the matter at hand is our intent, our heart, not the vibrations of sound.

My good friend, my spiritual Sister, had on her refrigerator a collection of words on little magnetic pieces. We all took turns making funny sentences or phrases. I wrote one, it just popped into my head, but it would consume my thoughts for some time after. I don’t own these words, I didn’t “craft” them, they popped into my head and I placed them on her fridge. “The language demon robs you with its gift”.  I have found this to be true. As soon as I lock a beautiful thought into words describing it I lessen it’s innate beauty because mine was only one perception of a concept which is open and available to all people, all perspectives. It exists before words, before thought. When I capture it with my words and put it on display for all to see they can’t experience its true beauty, only the diorama of my perspective.

So when we come to religious texts we experience the same dynamic. They wrote the words from their own perspective. Whether they were inspired by Jesus, Guatnam Buddha or any other holy figure, they are only words and simply describe a perspective. Even if they were written by that holy person themselves, they are still words; still the mental currency of the ignorant.  I say ignorant because if we weren’t ignorant of this we’d all be holy and we wouldn’t be here. We cannot be so full of ourselves and our own ego as to think that the divine would sound anything like our speech. We cannot be so egotistic as to believe that only those who speak the same language it was written in were meant to have it, were somehow more holy or special. We have to understand and acknowledge that God is pronounced differently in every language. It is the perspective of that person who heard it. Even if God him/herself spoke their name to a person it would be the name that person, in their ignorance, could understand.

If we could just realize what our words are, what language actually is. They’re our innate connection to each other. They aren’t under attack; it’s just someone trying to express themselves in a manner we’ve all been taught. Remove your attachment to your words so you can fully understand, without bias, when others may use them. In this way you sacrifice yourself for your fellow human beings expression. In this way you’re an empty cup waiting to be filled with their knowledge. In this way there is nothing between you and their expression and you will know them, and yourself, better for it. Remove your intent from words like freeing them from a prison.

I believe in a concept, a dynamic, I can only express as love. I do not paint the word “love” with my understanding when someone else uses it. I do not trap them in my definitions. I listen to hear what they are saying and I look for it in the skies of my beliefs which float endlessly. So hold dear the intent of your heart and watch for it always in the words of your brothers and sisters. Remove the fish-hooks from your transmission so others can experience them with a truly open heart and mind. Do not cheapen those words which reflect your heart by using them as a shield, or worse, as a weapon.

Namaste

Compassion & Community

They say when Buddha realized it was like 84,000 doors opening... I like to think that those doors are the various paths we all take to the same end and when you become you are at one with all paths, at one with your brothers and sisters. You can see the flow of karmic energy which pushed and shifted you also affecting your fellow human beings. I believe this is why the practice of compassion is so important. Unless you can swing the same result by sitting beneath the Bodhi tree and completely rearranging your mental state, we all must consciously practice compassion.

We start out pure and innocent, from one point of view. We have innate perfection always no matter our state from another point of view. I can see where they’re both coming from, I believe. It’s “original sin” from one place and the effects of samsara from another. I can see how they’re both correct, I believe. All religious paths are teaching the same basic thing. You can see the truth hidden in the dogma. Each of us has the responsibility of holding our souls to truth. It’s all too easy to “follow” a church and give away your free thought. Free thought and questions aren’t generally looked favorably upon within religious organizations. Free thought threatens the control.

Right now, free thought and difference of opinion are met with outright violence from our country. Sure, you can say it’s “them” but that is just disassociating yourself with your fellow man. Nope! The way forward is together, it’s with our arms around the shoulders of our brothers and sisters and working for the good of all.  It seems a hundred years ago our country took a perspective of “restriction” as the road to civilization. I disagree with that precept. We cannot have our laws, our government, our very lives set to restrict. That is a “punish the good with the bad because we “have” to” approach. All that has done is made those good people who are screwed by the rules cease to follow the rules. I doubt the number of criminals corrected through this type of government can even be 1/100^th of those who now disregard the rules and take care of only themselves. Don’t agree? Go out into any town and drive around for a couple hours. Count the number of people who follow a four way stop correctly and not just “I was here second, I GO second”.  Drive on the highway and see how you’re treated. Remember to leave your own personality at home so you can stay objective.

We go from one isolation booth to another throughout our day. When was the last time you heard a siren before you saw the vehicle? We isolated ourselves from the road and, unwittingly, each other. The same is true with the way we work. Do you remember when having more than one job over two years would get you declined for a job? Do you remember when you knew the names and numbers of every man on the team? Before free agency? Do you remember when teachers taught instead of worked to not get fired? Do you remember when you felt good about your government? For me, it’s been a while and I want that feeling back.

I feel we’ve focused on the individual as a solution to the problem of the 50’s oppression and close minded attitude. Where a man was a man a woman was in the kitchen. It was wrong, but we didn’t address the reason, we sought to restrict. We restricted speech and brought about political correctness. All that did was cause the sexist, racist, bigoted attitudes to be hidden. We didn’t go to the root of the problem and address it. For each evolution of society a new mode of restriction was born. Einstein said that doing the same action repeatedly and expecting different results is insanity and I believe we’re all insane. We haven’t figured it out? The problem isn’t “them” it never was, it was “us” all along.

There is no one simple solution. There isn’t anything one person can do to change it for everyone. The solution lies within the hearts of every living being. We have to be the change before we can expect to see the change. We have to do what is right just because it’s right. Not because God is watching, not because we will get thrown in jail, not for any other reason other than the joy in my heart demands it.  If you could manage to strip all your paper-doll personae, from the moment you realized you were separate until this moment, perhaps you could see that joy in your heart. You shared willingly, you gave without thought of return, and there was no ownership and no religion. You didn’t have any shields then to protect your psyche against the repercussions of your own bad behavior. There were no justifications. If you were bad, you knew it and your friends let you know.

We all long for simpler times and leave it at that. We’ve given up and only those ruthless among us, those willing to hold out longer, have come to power. They don’t have our best interests at heart because that was not what drove them to excel. We have no one to blame for our mess, we are to blame. We let other people doing bad things change our ethics to where we just had to be a notch above them in order to feel superior. It’s all a lie and we know. We knew it then too, we chose the lazy.

It’s time, isn’t it? Haven’t we all had enough? All I want is to love and be treated fairly and I believe that is really what we all want. When our motivation is greed, and it certainly is in the world today, we have to take from another to have it for ourselves. This is wrong. We know it; otherwise we wouldn’t be driven by fear of losing what we have.  I’m tired of living in fear. I’m tired of seeing the faces of my brothers and sisters as they have to go against their nature to follow the “rules” when we know it’s wrong. Such as when we deny medical help, social help and so on. We shouldn’t be choosing money over truth and humanity. When we sacrifice our fellow man for our own gain we know it is possible for someone to do the same to us; enter fear and we are driven by it ever more.

We have to do what is right just because it’s right. We have to put the work in to see the benefits. We’ve grown into an instant-gratification society and it’s just wrong. When you work for something you appreciate it more; that is a truism. So why aren’t we moving forward that way? Why aren’t we putting the work in? We may say “we are, we go to church” but are you holding yourself responsible for the total effects of your life? Or are you putting the responsibility squarely on the church? It’s easy to use it as a shield and only you can know if your every effort is coming from your most sincere heart. Do you go to church for salvation or to lend your positive presence to the congregation? If it’s the first all you are is a taker and then when to you give back?

Pay it forward by being a good person, treat everyone fairly, practice compassion, patience, understanding, tolerance, and so on. When we live those ideals they become … we’ve been living the ideals of greed and possession and it has become & we’re all suffering from it. It’s time to change. It’s time to go inside and do some spiritual housecleaning. It’s time to be humble, be a good person and let what will be, be.

Namaste

Don't Act; BE

"Never try to ACT like someone you're not, because it's acting and that is just a shortcut to being... so in the end you'll just be faking a new person but taking the same shortcuts you are now. Don't act; be."

All of us want to improve who we are; our media, from screen to print, tells us so. So how do you go about change or improvement and make it real? You have to ask yourself "How far am I willing to go? How much do I want this change?" and the key question you have to ask yourself "How honest am I prepared to be with myself?". Otherwise you're just going through the motions again, and aren't you sick of fading change?

Have you ever heard the phrase "Fake it until you make it"? I can't think of a more destructive path to self-improvement. All of us are aware of our inner-most place, the place our consciousness seats. It's the place you talk to yourself non-verbally. It's your inner space. I call it the cave. It's the place, I believe, we understood first as children. The day we understood "I am" as coming from within not what your parent was pointing at from the outside. Later on, it will become the place we can think and not even God can hear us. It's a refuge we create from the world. It's the place we where we know we're just faking it and even if we get really good at it, we will know we're still only faking it. It's the carrot called "make it". Faking it will never bring us happiness, true happiness, which won't fade.

So there you are, sitting inside yourself, lost and wondering what to do next. Life isn't working and every change you've made backfires or does nothing to help at all.  It's time to get real with yourself. The phrase "I won't do this ever again, and this time I mean it" wouldn't be pop-culture if it wasn't true on some level. How many times have you said it? I don't have enough fingers on my hands for how many times I have said it.  Ever notice that when you say that you're in a different place inside yourself than you are right now? It's like you're some slick car salesman pulling the wool over your own eyes. So, how seriously are you going to take this? You have to silence the salesman; you have to know better, and do better. You have to consciously turn away from the easy road and start the real work. You know, that truth you've been doing all you can to get away from? It's now time to hoist that on your back and take care of it.

The very first thing you have to do is some housecleaning of the cave. You, like all of us, have skeletons to clear out. You may be thinking that you already have cleared those out, and so only you know if that is the truth. So we come to: Just how honest are you willing to be with yourself? To me, there is only one level of honest; absolute. So the way I look at it, you're not throwing those skeletons out, instead you're facing them down and accepting them. You have to be able to both stand against the deed and love the doer unconditionally. That is you have to be against what you did, fundamentally and completely against it, while still having understanding and compassion for the you which did it. You have to be able to love yourself, after all; you're stuck with you for your entire life.

What is left when you’ve cleared everything out? After you're done fighting your demons and wound up loving yourself more for the process, what is left? It feels so, empty. The first urge is to define who you are by everything around you. Your likes, and your hates. "I am a pacifist!" "I am a father." "I am a professor" and so on. Or, "I'm against violence" "I'm for the sanctity of marriage" "I believe in Socialism". Stop, stop, stop! None of that matters anyway. They're not definitions, they are what you make your decisions by. They are your values, not you. Now that you've cleared everything out, what you're left with is you. Not the fake puppet you that you've spent your whole life crafting into a super cool adult, but the real and actual you.

So, who are you? Do you even know? Can you tell me without leaving the perspective of your cave? Can you tell me without looking out and echo-locating or looking in an judging? Can you simply be and know who you are? It's an intangible thing isn't it? You are in a constant state of flux, ever changing and growing, ever the student. Be-ing is now, act-ing is a plot for future being which projects the mind to an imaginary state in the future and excuses any behavior of how you got there; it's a short cut. That is faking it until you make it, but you never do. "Make it", that is. You'll always know that you're lying to yourself and what ever you were trying to be; you'll always know it is a sham. You need to find the center of yourself which doesn't change while you're constantly changing. I've often thought of it as the overall intention of your life. It's what all those "I am" and other definitions compiled and averaged out are. So you end up being the intention of all of your choices, like some giant flow chart leading to one person that you cannot be and witness at the same time. There can be only one! You either are or you're examining yourself. There is nothing wrong with that as long as you recognize that that is you and what you're witnessing is really only your memory of  what you were.

You've discovered the secret. That change comes only from making the choice to be that good person, every choice, every day with conscious purpose. Then faking it to making it becomes a delicate dance of imperfection. It becomes accepting yourself as you fail while not accepting failure. It's strict self compassion. It's life, one day at a time. It is nothing more than simply being the change, and it turns out Gandhi was really on to something so deep we may never hope to fully understand it. You exist, so go and be who you are and you'll find that happiness & love were all around you all the while and it was really you who were getting in your way and selling you a load of bunk. You'll find that change is hard work and it resides in our minute to minute choices which add up to be who we are. Go and BE!