The Fragile Man

I have shopped my writing around to the publications closest to my subject matter and have found that they aren't interested in my opinion. They publish the editorial works of experts and I'm no expert and all I really have is my perspective. So, I've decided to write about the only subject I'm an expert in, myself.

I'm going to post the beginning of a book I'm writing and I'd like your feedback. Here is what I propose: Read the beginning few paragraphs with the understanding that this will be the telling of a six year journey through fibromyalgia and my other ailments. So read and let me know if you'd keep reading this book, or if it's best kept for myself.

Thank you in advance :-)

Namaste,

Ryan

I awoke on my couch, facing eviction, the power being cut off and working a job which was entirely too physical for my body. My wife and children were gone, left to Texas because I had been a violent man. I had curbed my physical outbursts, but was still difficult to live with. I was full of delusion and victimization and all the pain medication and muscle relaxants I had left. I didn't want to live another day, not without my family. I had the two dogs for company, and they loved me but it was hard to love them back when they reminded me so much of what I had lost. I looked into the empty room my sons had shared; toys still lain on the floor. I laid back on my couch, which had became my bed, since I wasn't sleeping in our bed. I lived a life of busting tires all day, six days a week, 70+ hours a week and staying awake all night. As I laid there a thought bubbled up from the center of my mind like the message from an old '8 ball"; all I had was myself for company and I hated myself. I was an ass-hole and a bully. As I realized this the room began to fade into so much black nothingness and I was there floating by myself.; outside of time and space with no beginning and no end. As I realized that  this was the fabric of reality, I knew myself completely and my body faded. I was simply the energy of me, this observer. I looked back and saw the fabric of my negative energy threaded through the lives of my family causing so much of our distress and problems. I saw it changing the beautiful nature of my children. I saw it causing my lovely wife to bend and change. I could feel her pain and fear in my deepest heart and I awoke.

I sat there staring into the room, blinking at the vivid clarity of it all just as I had done so many years ago when I received my first pair of glasses. Trees weren't just green cotton balls; life wasn't the fabric of my dreams. I understood into the center of a deep placed I had long ago suppressed,  that we are all connected and I had been so very irresponsible with my part in it all. I had been irresponsible in my role as a father, as a husband, as a friend and as a human being. I was selfish, judgmental, and so egocentric my victim mentality was like a suit of armor. I saw it so clearly of myself and I stripped myself naked unto the light of truth. I had fought against the worst of myself for so long. I was tired of shirking, tired of being ashamed of my true self. I turned and fought, finally. I closed my eyes, I grit my teeth, clenched my fists and faced it. When I opened my eyes I expected to be facing demons, shadows, enemies of some sort and what hit my like a blade to my heart was the sight of myself, pale face in my hands weeping at what I had done. I saw this man, who couldn't stand tall; who had faced his whole life as though visited by the ghost of Christmas past.  His shoulders were slumped and his heart was wallowed in sorrow and despair. I became aware of the energy, call it atmosphere, esp or however you can understand it, but I became aware of a looming choice. I felt it with every fiber of my physical being. Like my own spidey-sense; my karmasense was tingling like crazy. The fight or flight reaction was pulling like the riptide of the oncoming of a tremendous wave. I didn't care, I had made my choice and as the wave crashed I covered that man with my body. In the churning destruction I was washed away, split into so many layers of facade as the cinema of my life was shown before me. Each scene; a layer of delusion ripped away, exposing me, skinning me alive. I didn't falter, I didn't shirk. Layer after layer I watched as karma; my energetic responsibility for the threads of delusion, hate and judgement I had woven into reality were heaped upon my shoulders. I used those scenes flashed before me as bubbles of truth to follow to the surface if I were to survive. As I pressed into these scenes, no longer a witness; neutral, I became. Without knowing or noticing perhaps I became that figure I had seen. My face in my hands weeping as the pain I had wrought on others only to disguise myself, to cast my view from who I was. Their pain was to alleviate my own... the source of my shame shown before me as the last load of karmic weight. I stood and assumed it all unto my being. I was one again, like I had been so many years ago as a child. I was washed clean while not removing my past. This wasn't a fragmentation, it was a reunification. I could stand tall because I am a good person. I have done bad things, but I was no longer running from them. Stripped to near spartan living I walked my talk every day.

I had been shown the subtle luring nature of that inner space I came to call the cave. I walked every day being as present as I could be. I had seen the shields of delusion and their consequences and I rejected my reality and stood for truth come what may, how ever I may be judged or scrutinized I will walk in the light of truth. My first tool was to openly call bullshit on myself. When I was being weak and letting others do more work than I on the job I would call bullshit on myself. At first it took stepping into the restroom to actually face my reflection and call it out. "you're being an asshole, you're using and manipulating them and it IS NOT RIGHT" I had to affirm it in reality, not the vacuum of my mind because I can change the facts as I see fit in there. Out here in reality, if I spoke it aloud, I couldn't take it back. I foiled my sneaky and underhanded ego-self this way. It was what it was, I could not change it. Those moments were my foot holds, my anchor points for when I fell, and I fell a lot in the beginning. I began to see again, as I did in that moment of clarity, the sun warmed me, the coffee was richer and I was real, and I was ok. I began to rebuild myself in this way. I was raising two boys into manhood and I couldn't define it and the shame of my example to them thus far was like a burning  coal for the engine of my purpose. To be a good person.

Sharing really is caring

I really believe that sharing is caring, but the thought was brought back into my mind this morning during a Tourette's fit. They're usually directly linked to my stress level, which, with various anxiety disorders means it varies, for no reason and with no warning. Though it is usually correlated to my actual stress level. It usually goes like this:

Stress level:

1 - I don't know yet haha but pacing, definitely pacing... I never stop pacing
2 - The occasional twitch of the shoulders and straightening of clothing (the clothing thing always exists, like having clean hands and such)
3 -
4 -
5 - 3 to 5 range from stuttering, neck craining, hand twitches, foot tapping, guttural noises and clicks and the like. I usually sing during these times in order to focus on what I'm doing. In times like these I feel blessed I learned so many Earth based Pagan songs. They help focus my mind on positive things.
6 -
7 -
8 - High stress times I stutter badly and it always accompanies neck craining: sometimes to the point of such pain that I cry out. The hand body twitches become more exaggerated and the foot tapping becomes leg spasms and jerks. Yes, I admit here and now that I have spasmed into the Thriller dance on one occasion. On high pain days from the fibro, which I'll get to later, the spasms are in my back and they can take me down in an instant in complete agony.
9 -
10 - These days are all of the above with fibro nerve flashes which leave me utterly nonfunctional.

My wife and my kids know all of this because they've lived it, the poor things, as it's come about. I wasn't always this way. The onset of Fibromyalgia exacerbated what my Neurologist called "undiagnosed childhood Tourette's syndrome"  which made sense as I've been a finger drummer for as long as I can remember. To anyone on the outside it may seem odd and I know it makes situations uncomfortable so as I shared with my immediate family, I share with you my family at large.

Allow me to digress; I shared all of this in order to set the frame work for the sharing of my walk through Fibromyalgia. Also understand that I have arthritis and my knees are bone on bone, and I have some band disorder my Rheumatologist explained but I don't understand which means my hips ache and pop out of socket frequently. So knowing all of this I'll explain my Fibromyalgia. I say my because it's a host of disorders which plague different people differently. For instance it heightened the already existing Tourettete's and OCD (CDO) and brought new anxieties. My pain level is always parallel to stress changes and changes in barometric pressure. There are eighteen nerve points recognized as very sensitive with fibro and you can have any number of them active. I have all eighteen points active at varying levels of sensativity which correlate to changes in stress, movement, overall health, mental state (which is a real Bugger) and others. They can also just heighten for no reason. Mine are as follows:


1 - My back (4 lower back and 2 upper back at the base of my neck) and my right knee are sensitive though I'm rarely at this pain level with a cognitive mind. Mild headache. I creak like the rigging on an old sailing ship. Extreme discomfort as though I just can't get comfortable.
2 - Back, knees, headache at the base of my neck.
3 -
4 -
5 - Again from 3 to 5: Back (all points from this point forward), knees, elbows, ankles, feet (at the soles), hands, headache complete head mild migraine symptoms, clouded thinking, IBS, lethargy, loss of appetite, muscle spasms in my back and sometimes in my leg, The leg ones I walk out because I pace, the back ones are all day long twitches. If I sit down for too long they lock up and cause the points in my back to hit a 10 in pain. I have sat through one full movie with my family in four years.
6 -
7 -
8 - You know the drill: Extreme lethargy I'd liken to my worst bout of the flu (when I had pneumonia) extreme body and joint pain (my hands are swollen clubs), my knees feel like they're filled with broken glass, the foot pain is like a hot coal on the pad while the foot remains extremely cold with swollen joints, migraine headache, clouded thinking, grumpy, Anxiety bouts with shrieks at loud noises and flinches at sudden movements, IBS from the very bowels of hell,
9 -
10 - They blur into one and it's all of the above with inescapable agony that writhing in the fetal position won't comfort. Nothing helps; there is no place dark enough, soft enough, warm enough, cool enough... if I could be suspended in air I couldn't find comfort and I feel like I know how the Earth must feel moments before magma becomes lava.

So I tell my family and close friends what my pain level is at. I do so because I have no sores, no open wounds which are dressed, no outward signs really other than my permanently dark eyes to alert anyone that I am sick. I am sick.

I am sick.

It has taken me so long to simply admit that. I have fears of hypochondria so I am very stubborn about being sick. I have been sick for as long as I can remember. I have grown a strong dislike of doctors and western medicine in general. I has taken me a long time to become medicated again though my life is MUCH better being so.  I was told at my last doctors visit that I am maxed out on Lyrica and Cymbalta; lovely. I have to fight what I assume (yes I assume) is the doctors view that I'm just after some pain medicine like percocet or something. I don't want that. I really dislike the feeling of those pain meds. I don't drink to the point of feeling "off" and I don't like that no matter what I take, prescription pain meds, I feel that way. I am a medical marijuana patient. I have been for two years. The amount of pain relief is directly in my hands. The type of relief is under my control as well. By using different types I directly address what I hurting or wrong. I can remain functional and believe me it has saved my marriage because I'm no peach to live with. My wife is a Saint for putting up with me, truly.

I wake up groggy and I go to bed wide awake. I pace all day so that when I go to bed I'm exhausted and I'll sleep as still as possible because I don't want to ruin Rose's sleep. I still sleep restlessly and the points on my back have caused us to cuddle much less. I really miss that physical contact. To explain my back; have you ever had a broken or bad tooth? Where the root was exposed? Where just the slightest breath inward was felt and it could surge to a burning pain at the lightest touch? It's like my lower back is a mouth full of broken teeth. The Lyrica and Cymbalta keep the pain at about a high discomfort level. My family know where to hug me safely, others I keep the pain within; it's worth it for the physical contact and exchange of love. After the hug, which usually ends with a pat on the back, I smile and excuse myself to go walk off the pain. I will not miss out on a hug, and if you're reading this and thinking of hugging me less, even one hug, please please don't. Please don't withhold, I am a hugger. 

I meditate in the morning to offset the lost sleep. I try to meditate a couple hours a day between sitting Shinay and walking Shinay. I open my shrine in the morning which consists of chants which set my intention in the right direction, offerings of saffron water and candles and incense when I have it. I center myself through this process. I get the coffee going and get my family off for their day. I ask them every day "Did you get enough sleep? Did you get enough to eat? Are you going to have a good day?" We play fun music. My youngest son likes Stevie Wonder's "Sir Duke" especially and I love the way he sings it in the morning. After they're off I will come home and medicate and walk out the cramps and spasms. About Noon I'll be able to get out and about to run any errands. I recently got a handicapped parking placard. I thought I wouldn't use it often because as we parked in the past I had thought about getting one and assessed if I would "need" to use it. That assessment was flawed though because it was from the perspective in which parking there wasn't actually an option. I use it a lot. I walk with a cane for a few reasons: my knees; they won't do a knee replacement until I'm in my 60's with the lack of insurance I have. So I'm using what I have wisely and walking with a cane. It's also for my back. My right hip is what I would describe as "soggy" it doesn't hold my weight during a stride. So, the cane helps a lot even though I really dislike it. My skin is soft and thin now. When I look down I don't see my Dad's hands, I see my Grandpa Hope's hands. That's ok by me, he was a great man, but it's a little early. I'm not yet 40. I digress yet again (fibro fog) I'll go get the kids from school around 2:30 and leave again around 5:45 to get Rose from work. We'll get dinner figured out and I'll cook or help cook depending. I'll get Rose off to bed, then the kids, and I'll pace out all the pain and anxiety from the day (even though I do it throughout the day) and exhaust myself around midnight and fall asleep.

That "day" will fluctuate depending on the factors I listed and I have no retreat from my day. I cannot fail my family. I feel horrible as I am no longer the provider for me family, while at the same time I have enormous pride for my wife and how she's blossomed under this. As my body crumples up on me I struggle with depression (fibo add-on), I am unemployed and most likely unemployable, I can't work hard around the house... hell I barely keep house. I manage to taxi my family and remain an emotional support. It's all I have and I give it all.

I'm sharing all of this because I am sick, but I am a human being. I believe we need to open the dark corners, deal with them with the strength of our family. We need to dispel the thought that we should somehow be ashamed of our bodies, of who we are. We desperately need a coming together. I share because it is caring, caring that maybe this will reach someone who needs it on a day they need it. Gifts are given without thought of reciept, or they should be and I believe your very presence is a gift unto the universe for us all to share so make it the best you can give.

Imagine. Everyone, everywhere being open and giving, understanding and nonjudgmental... We have to be the change folks and this is my humble contribution.

The walk into Autum

There is a pale beauty in loss; as it brings those thoughts of cherished people and things into a different perspective. We have the opportunity in those moments to revel one again in the sunlight they bring. Simply recalling a place, time, or people you were with when a string a events occurred does not bring the same warmth, depth or comfort. 

These thoughts are brought to mind today as the cold causes me to bundle up for my morning walk. As I do I guess it's my natural tendency to draw inward. I like to think it's Mother nature tucking us in ever so slowly; into that long walk within. As I bundle and walk my wife is on my mind. I've gotten the coffee made and ready. She's sleeping so soundly, her breath to deep and even, I don't have the heart to wake her. As I'm grabbing her coat, an XL men's corduroy fleece lined number, she wakes up a bit. She checks her alarm and dives back into sleep. So there I am walking up and back the path in the backyard pre-warming her coat because she has to catch the bus today and thinking. I'm thinking of how I can ease the pain of her loss. I wouldn't speak of it in a forum like this if it weren't so relevant to this time of year, how this experience came to me and to how I see the healing process.

Here we are full in the beginning of Autumn, of harvest and growth. It's much easier to see the process of death and life I guess when I think of the way we live with the earth. I don't mean living on the earth I mean living with it, with it's seasons. The Spring is a time of new growth leading into Summer and vitality; hard work which leads to Autumn and the harvest which we store as the cold of Winter sets in.  That can be seen as physically and plainly as the allegory of the grasshopper and the ant; though attaching to firmly to the physical realm. We don't live plain lives though, there are storms and times of abundance and life is the walk through that adventure. Living with the earth means setting our hearts to it's beat as well as you march through life. You can call it metaphysical, scientific or fit it into any religious or spiritual path; which plants it in the file of "truism' for me.

The heart, our emotional realm, cannot be defined in a physical sense. We have so many references to this in our popular culture and world culture. I believe all cultures have a story similar to Romeo and Juliet; of a love which shouldn't be, but I am not nearly well read or traveled enough to make such a claim, yet it is what I believe. I struggle with my physical attachments to love, as I believe we all do. Reading between the lines, or worse; becoming so jaded that the lines blur and you see conspiracy everywhere. When your very existence becomes a ping of echo-location bounced back from those in your life. Love isn't constrained by any physical sense so I wonder why I attach so firmly to it, believe so strongly in it when the signals from all of those lines bring me nothing but pain. If it's a positive message, it has been filtered and I missed actually experiencing it and so I suffer, if it's a negative message I wallow in its energy which I hold out of time in this place where I monitor the messages. Damn!! Life escapes me in this way.

My heart is free and open though, unbound and immaterial. Those I keep there are but the rays of light which they brought to me. They are warm feelings in my chest upon recalling those times which we can recall so clearly because we weren't attached to it but living it. They are the supports of our inner strength when we want to quit. They are our inspiration when we forget what love actually is and believe ourselves imprisoned by our pain. Love is the fiber which the pain cannot break. When the waves of grief pass there will be that light there still, washed by all the tears spilled, clear and warm and bright. It may seem that this light is only shown through hindsight and I'd agree with that. It cost you the tears and that experience to have such a pure memory, such a warmth, a hearth-fire of the soul. 

As we walk into Winter, may we experience every moment of the Autumn. May we experience the cooler weather, jackets, gloves, steaming drinks from mugs, togetherness and the like. May we experience the lengthening of the nights and the dark as well. The thinning of the veil between this world and the spirit world is among the defining characteristics of Autumn, of harvest, to me. It's the spooky time of year naturally, I believe, because what we fear most isn't any ghost or monster or even fear itself, it's the big dark empty void of ourselves which we fear. It's all the missed opportunities born from hesitation, it's the dark and vindictive side which has no form and can't be fought it seems and so much more. It's us, the inside where we hide. It's that place where we could go to think where even god couldn't hear us. That's what I fear because it is what manifests my fears and demons. The yearly visit here for housekeeping is so much easier when I prepare myself for it. I know I come here every year just as I experience the pinnacles of Winter, Spring and Summer as well: it's high time I stop acting all surprised and unawares.

I'm brought here today as I pace back and forth thinking of how to lift the burden from my wife's heart. I want so bad to help her and her family as I know they've been through enough, that they need a break and oh how I wish I had it within me to give. Since I have nothing, I think, and think and walk and walk and all I can come up with is that there is such a pale but rich beauty in loss, though it too can be seen best in hindsight. So I'm left with lending a shoulder or an ear to my wife (and my Brother), being understanding and supportive and saying there is light at the end of the tunnel. May it help in some small way or be of some comfort to hold on; that I believe that the bright and shining beautiful light at the end of the tunnel is the same light which brought you here and is with you always. Have faith and in your sorrow feel her warmth until the sun shines again, as it always does.

With love,

Ryan

It has been said

It has been said that we only use a portion of our brains, and with that we have language and communication. What if we're actually using all of it and what we're expressing to each other is an entire reality of which the common threads are woven into our shared reality. That would leave each person's God, hell & salvation squarely in the hands and soul of the individual giving no credence for acts in their God's name. Then the intent of a person would be in the strength of their character & validated by their actions not some buck to be passed.

We mustn’t be abusive in the pointing out of the abuses against us. Hypocrisy leaches our effect in the world while being the change we wish to see

When all you have left is your love, give that away too

The road to Enlightenment is through truth

I do not consider myself to be enlightened. I feel I’m on the path leading there and I feel that compassion, being a major tenet of this, that we must strengthen the bonds of our interconnectedness. To do this I feel the best way is to erase fear, since I believe it is fear which keeps us apart. I feel the best way I can do this is to expose myself to you, raw, unfiltered and real – in the light of truth.

The path to Enlightenment is through truth. I posted that earlier and several people liked and agreed with the sentiment. How closely do we look at this process though? How much light of truth do we allow to penetrate us? Because it is inversely proportionate to the levels of our misery. It seems odd to say that exposing yourself; your ugly side could lessen your misery but let me explain my walk, which is ongoing.

I wasn’t happy, life wasn’t what I wanted it to be. I wanted a bigger house, a better car, a better job; hell no job – I wanted to be independently wealthy, I wanted a better relationship with my wife. I felt lost, I felt incomplete and empty often. I wanted a better life for my kids but my own childhood left me with no tools for a normal relationship. The dynamics of my household were horrible. Everyone lived in fear of me. My excuse was that I was building a good family and that I couldn’t make everyone happy. That was total bologna; the truth was I just wanted it all my way.

As I have written before my big epiphany came when my wife took our kids and left me. I was a violent, irrational being for many years, she had grown accustomed to it so when the violence ended but I still had the same energy, the same air about me the waiting and suspense for something she was sure was coming was too much. I don’t blame her. At the time I was in the beginning of really trying to fix myself. I knew, let me get this completely clear, I knew the whole time that violence and what I was doing was wrong. Even after I had changed the bulk of it I was still aggressively after securing only my own piece of the pie. I wanted a better life for my kids…. For me; because that meant I was a good father. I never considered just relating to them and letting their needs dictate how I was a good father, nope it was all about me.

So they left…. I had a house with empty rooms. I had a job to go to and bills to pay. Part of the problem between my wife and I was money (like most families) and how it was being spent. So when she decided to leave she let the bills go, I believe, to subconsciously force her to leave. She had to make a big mess and run from me, she couldn’t just leave. We were messed up, folks.  We kept it hidden, like many families I suppose. The point is though I didn’t hit her or the kids she felt the same fear and left. Your transgressions don’t always immediately bring about their consequences. That is in no way under your control.

I slept on the couch; it was too difficult to sleep alone in our bed. I filly wallowed in my misery. In fact I entertained suicidal thoughts. I laid there on my couch for a month at least eating horrible fast food, not cooking for myself and smoking like a freight train. Then one night deep thought took me. I didn’t intend to be thinking deeply about myself and my place in the universe, it just consumed me. Suddenly there I was kind of floating above all these scenes of myself in different interactions. I was watching this unfold through eyes of truth. I could see my own horrible actions as well as the actions of the others. It was an odd sensation to be so disconnected from myself, seeing myself so clearly and finding disgust for myself in my heart. Then I saw myself lying on the couch and I looked dead and you know, it didn’t bother me. It didn’t bother me at all. Then the couch faded away and there was my body floating in this black emptiness. I watched as my clothes left, leaving me naked unto myself and then as my body faded but my consciousness didn’t; it hit me. I understood that I was alone in this vast darkness and I had only who I was for company and I was a jerk, no I was a dick, a real dick. I had hit my kids, I had hit my wife, I had bullied them all. I couldn’t love that person, I couldn’t stand him let alone being left with only him for company for all eternity. Then as the world faded back in and I realized I was sitting on my couch it all made sense to me. I set about being a nice person and considering others as I had wanted to be, but was afraid of not being, so I was passive aggressive about it and bullied people. I didn’t look at it though. I had a life full of drama I created which kept my focus off my own actions.

Then as I sat there I went back in my mind to all those interactions I had seen and I watched myself and I noticed one thing in all of them:

The moment you witness yourself making an excuse to yourself for your own bad behavior is your call to enlightenment by establishing the source, action of and only escape from your own karma.

It was true in every single instance.

Let me quickly explain how I see karma so that that sentence can make more sense. Karma is the wave you create by acting other than yourself. When you try to act tough the universe smacks you down. Some times its just as clear cut as that and sometimes it’s a total mystery but it always, always, always stems from excusing yourself for what you hold others to judgment for. Theft, for example, is mostly universal. Universally, most people would say it’s wrong. Now, not giving up your seat on the bus to someone else, which is up to your own moral fiber, could be wrong but stepping away from that will cause a wave you have to overcome. Your life is your own and it is shaped by you; by your conception of yourself. When you don’t live up to what you know you should be the Universe sets u[p tests, challenges and lessons to help you see it, but it is still up to you to see it.

So there I was on my couch reliving all these painful moments in which I was a complete tool and standing against my choices. It was like I had to go back and atone for them all and fix them by standing for what was right. I had to watch myself hitting my son and witness the true horrible ugly I embodied and unleashed upon my gentle son. I had to drive into the center of me, down into my soul, the reality of how wrong that was, what I should have done, what I did to him. I had to account for it all. So I spent my three months in solitude when I wasn’t working and I did nothing but look back at myself. Slowly but surely I emerged a different person. I found my own gentle roots, which look so much like my son it breaks my heart. Doing that helped me see how to be a better father to them, a better husband to my wife and a better person for myself.

It was the worst of times; it was the best of times.

I vowed to walk in the light of truth from that moment on. Much later after having found Buddhism (which paralleled my experience) and working with Rinpoche, my Lama, I learned three simple steps to maintaining that walk: Be humble, Be a good person, what will be will be.

Your life is your own, you are responsible for it completely; your actions, your inactions and your reactions - from the three levels of being – they must all be in harmony for you to be able to find happiness…

Or so it is in my experience.

Namaste

Come on People now, smile on your brother

Yesterday my wife, my eleven year old son and I were almost in a head-on collision. A heavy duty truck, which looked like a cement mixer, belonging to an environmental service company was straddling the double yellow center line around a blind corner.  The look of shock on his face as we came around in our lane truly frightened me. His truck was too large, too heavy and moving too fast for him to maneuver at all. I swung my car to the curb on my side and came to a stop. He missed us by inches and …. just kept going. He just drove off. I took the next block and backtracked. I was extremely upset. I wanted this jackass to know what he almost did. I found him two blocks up about to make a right on the street I was on and as I passed him I yelled, cursed and told him to pull into the nearest parking lot. I know. It was a stupid thing to do. I was caught up in moment. The problem was my initial approach.

When he didn’t pull into the lot but instead taunted and goaded me with his passenger as he kept driving I decided to take this to his boss. I knew where their office was, we used to work in the same office park. I hope he received a written reprimand. I plan on following up in a few days, but that isn’t the point of this, it’s about how we treat each other, about our initial approach; our combined consciousness.

You see all of us enter our isolation booths and maneuver through our city avoiding all the jackasses on the road without ever realizing that those jackasses are approaching it the exact same way. Where did this sense of entitlement come from? When did all of us decide that our city, government, country, the world, all of existence was there to witness the “me show”? How do we figure we are the only important one?

Well with that attitude fell our cooperation, our compassion, our willingness to do what is right. What we adopted was the willingness to do what is right… for me. We disconnected from each other and started to take care of only ourselves. We drew lines, like we always have throughout history, in order to set ourselves against them to make it easier to excuse our behavior to ourselves. It’s competition; on the roads, in the office, in the community in the home. I’m all for doing the best you can and felling good about your accomplishments but when are we taking care of the most important aspect? I mean sure, we can be the best on the road, the best in the office, and the best in the community but if we’re not tending to our initial approach then all we end up with is a trophy shelf we admire alone. No one, I mean no one, wants to be taken advantage of; not on the road, in the office, in the community or in the home. So when did we flip and change to this me only approach? More importantly, why haven’t we noticed and done something about it?

We treat each other like enemies on the road, we have “road rage” which doesn’t come from congestion, it comes from our mindset. If they’re enemies then there are no holds barred. We drop polite society and “handle our business”. I call bullshit. I don’t want every other motorist on the road to treat me this way, then without being a massive hypocrite, so I cannot take advantage. I must follow the rules we have all agreed to.

We approach all of life in this same way. It’s been going for so long. I grew up in this mindset. I was a child in the 80’s during the “me generation” and boy isn’t that the truth. We were taught to take care of “No.1” and a bunch of other catchy slogans we would repeat to desensitize us from the usury we were being bred into. We did as every generation does, we improved upon the existing system. The improvement? “The Game”! It’s where I can act like a complete asshole and then excuse my behavior with the slogan “don’t hate the player, hate the game” which is tantamount to saying “don’t blame me, I’m no worse than everyone else”. That’s just great, lowest common denominator societal norms! How did we not notice we were circling the drain? How did we all adopt this philosophy so quickly? So easily? I mean it started in a subculture, as all things do, and went mainstream so quickly. Then came the “haters” and how we don’t have to listen to anyone, because haters are going to hate. What a giant system of self-delusion. That means I can be however I like because I only have to be better than those I judge to be less; which is to say I can do what I want because I can always judge people in such a way as to allow my bad behavior. Then, when I piss people off I don’t have to listen to them because I can just label them “haters” and dismiss them. It’s the recipe to complete deluded pseudo-happiness.  All of that outward manipulation causes us to live within ourselves and use our bodies like a robot. All the hate from the haters just hits the robot and doesn’t get through…. and neither does the love, neither does the happiness… nothing does.

So here we are; a world of people hiding within themselves and all of them missing out on life. It’s messy, you will cry, you will love and you will lose and all of it is the experience you were meant to have. There is no hiding from it, there is no broadcast delay in which you have a moment to factor your next move, nope. You act, you live, you learn, you grow, you give of yourself and you pass on. If you’re one of those lucky beautiful souls you touch the world with your honesty.

I am saddened by how many beautiful souls I meet who insist on remaining caterpillars.

Come on people now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another
Right now
Come on people now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another
Right now
Come on people now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another
Right now

The Yougbloods

When Life was Sesame Street

I was thinking the other day about love, compassionate love and the state of the world. I was thinking about our politics, our business, our government and our society. It seems so involved, deluded, convoluted and manufactured with an agenda. I think that is what bothers me most, the agenda. When you know that the way you want it doesn’t serve everyone and selfishly subvert it to your own gain. I think that describes the actions of those three groups I just mentioned, don’t you? I remember a different time, as all generations do; we all have our “good ol’ days”. Mine were Sesame Street and it was beautiful.

To me the world was made up of people who were loving and tolerant. There were people from different races coexisting, different religions, folks who were hearing impaired and visitors with all sorts of challenges and triumphs. It was a beautiful world to live in and I remember it well.

What happened? We grew up, but more specifically we became jaded. We became aware of ourselves and our focus shifted from the outside world to the inner world of our fears and delusions. We became obsessed with not being exposed, no one can see the real me. We heaped on layers of personae of the characters we so desperately wished to be. We grew and popularized them in their stereotypes and placed them, like the marionettes they are, against each other to run out the endless scenarios of our interactions through our stories in books and movies, in our art, in our poems in our culture. We understood what evil is only when we gave ourselves the example first. When some exaggeration of a thing which we knew existed within us pinged us for the first time. When the outside world reflected the ways in which we let ourselves down, when we could see our own bad possibilities in the actions of others we began to build out walls. Brick by self deluded brick we build the walls of “they’re worse than me” to excuse our failings to ourselves. That first selfish deed where the fabric of us was torn into two; when we knew what was right but decided to do what we wanted, to get what we desired; in that moment we sold out our Sesame Street.

Is it lost forever? Must it be exiled to nostalgia? I don’t believe so. I believe we can retrace our steps and stand against that slithery part of ourselves which made the weak or selfish choices. We can go back in our minds and realign with right. We can learn those lessons of sharing, compassion, tolerance, of love and of the ways of life. We can live honestly, wholly authentic in our body, speech and mind. We can participate, and become personally invested and active in every moment of our lives. We can kill the autopilot. We can be mindful. We can be gentle. We can recognize that subversive part of ourselves; that part which clings to things and work against it. We can meditate until we realize that while it is who we are and needs to be accepted and loved it is also not who we are. By that I mean if you were to erase time and space and remove everyone who isn’t supposed to see the real you, only then would the real you be left exposed. That is who you are and if you don’t like it, do something about it. Understand your Dzogchen; understand you’re Dzogchen.

There is a Native American story “An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."”

Those are not solid physical parts of your body are they? They are energies and I believe it is true, the one you feed wins or as the Buddha said "The thought manifests as the word; the word manifests as the deed; the deed develops into habit; and habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care, and let it spring from love born out of concern for all beings."

From Sesame Street to Wall Street we don’t have to change, we give in to the fear that others are and they will somehow have an advantage. It’s weakness on our parts that we aren’t strong enough to live our morals, our ideals actually, literally. When I say we, I mean each individual should regardless of those around them. I certainly don’t mean to be saying that we should wait for all of us to, because we already know that drill. It’s in practice as we speak. No, I mean that each one of us should take a deep trip within, figure out who we are and bring that genuine person back into the world. We should be open to express ourselves and open to the expressions of others. If you don’t agree with it, walk away.

Above all we should understand this: We should never be abusive in pointing out the abuse of others.

I believe in a world where we can be gentle to each other without limiting passion. I believe in a world where we can have tolerance and still make the strides which come from deep belief. I believe we can all get along and love each other unconditionally. I believe we could live in Sesame Street if only we were committed to it rather than chasing profit.

For my Son: Aiden

My son, Aiden, was born in May of 1999 and passed that same day due to complications from a heart defect known as Tetrology of Fallot.  The reason I’m sharing this with you is because a friend of mine asked advice on helping a young person who was feeling suicidal. It may seem odd to share the story of a child’s death to help someone cope with life, but this isn’t the story of my son, it’s mine.

My wife and I had only been married four years when our son died. It had been a whirlwind of emotion. At one point we were given hope from the staff at John’s Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, feeling that it all may be able to be repaired in surgery. They couldn’t account for his underdeveloped lungs though and he was unable to survive.

With my wife in her post-partum room and my family helping her as much as possible with the decision we had made to let him pass, I walked the corridor down to take him from life support. My eyes still get misty when I think of this. It is, without a doubt, the single hardest thing I have ever had to do. I watched & helped a bit as they took him from life support. I wrapped him quickly but carefully and carried his quickly graying body from NICU to our room so my wife could love her son before he passed. I was operating on a different level, none of my concerns mattered, only my son and my wife. He passed in our arms with our tears upon his head.

I took my cold, grey and motionless son back to the NICU and kissed his head. I whispered my words into his ears last. I took my moment with him in the hallway outside the NICU.

That moment both destroyed and saved my life. It was a four year downward spiral which cumulated when my wife left me and took our children. We had moved to Texas after Aiden and conceived another child, Connor. My wife didn’t want our children too far apart in age as she and her brothers were. She felt they would be closer in relationship if they were close in age. I think she was right. We started to drift apart. My wife and I and we didn’t even realize it. Being from a broken home, a family was the most important thing to me. I truly lived up to my astrological set, being a Cancer. When I lost my son I became over-protective, micro-managing and extremely controlling. I began to manufacture a perfect life and a perfect family and I came down hard on my wife or kids when they didn’t meet my expectations. My wife had her own problems and the distance between us resulted in her living a double life with me. The person I thought was agreeing with me and how I was thinking was just a sort of “yes man”. The rift grew, with me not knowing she didn’t agree and her unable to speak to me about how she actually felt.   I mistreated my sons in chasing this “ideal”, so did she in trying to manufacture her own separate “reality” but who can say such things to parents when they’re grieving?

The end came when I was abusive to my family. I had let this fear force me inwards and I was lost inside myself. My moment of clarity came when I was lying on my couch; everything started to fade away and soon everything was black and I was floating in nothing. I had the realization that this was eternity and that all I had for company was me. I was an asshole and I didn’t like myself one bit. As I realized that my body faded away as well and all I was left with was my consciousness. It was the perspective of me and it was ALL about me and only me. I realized that was a large part of my problem. I had been asking my family to lie down and sacrifice their own wants and desires for my own. I wasn’t being fair and I knew it. I looked inside myself and I could point out all those moments where I knew what I was doing wasn’t fair but looked away. I saw myself, my inner cooperation side making excuses to myself for being a dick. I chose not to look away anymore. I chose to be good.

Eventually this reality took hold and I became a different person. I had self-confidence because I had stopped letting myself down. I had given myself reason to have confidence in me. Self-respect, self-love, self-assuredness comes from choosing to be the best you; from facing the fear and standing tall.

I openly admit now my transgressions of the past. I would want that were I in their shoes. I don’t spend my time trying to “make it up” to them because that’s not possible and any reasonable person would really only want the change to happen not a big song and dance.

Again, I’m writing this today because a friend of mine shared with me someone asking her for help and feeling suicidal. To that person:

You have no idea now how beautiful you are & will become. Give yourself time, all things change. In the darkest of my sorrow I felt there was no hope… but then I wasn’t strong enough to go looking either.

The sun doesn’t shine in your window all day, every day. There will be days that you have to find the resolve to wait until tomorrow, to find the strength to walk through the rain. You have it within you, right now, to be absolutely amazing. Amazing people have down times, they cry and they get hurt too…. It’s the perspective of them which keeps them going. You have the opportunity now to let the failings of your family lock you down by a) believing in them or b) rebelling against them… either way you’re still attached to it. Choose c) Be the best me I can be according to what I believe and stand for it.

We’re all living the perspective of me. Some of us simply cannot see any other way; I know I used to be locked into that cave. Have faith that we can all break free from it. Your parents, your kids, your family may be locked in a perspective which affords no other view… show them love; share with them you. Your life is yours and it is legendary… don’t make it the story of someone who did nothing for a very long time then passed away safely. Live your life.

Be a good person, be humble, what will, be will be.

Namaste

Effects of Isolation

Effects of Isolation

I was mentioning to my wife the other day about how the biggest red flag of how our society has degraded is how we all drive. Each day I see more and more people running stop signs, running red lights recklessly and turn arrows as well. There are several areas around town where, in a double turn lane, people will try to merge lanes as soon as they turn in an attempt to avoid a) missing the light or b) to avoid the long line of people waiting in the correct lane. I see residential areas where no one drives the 25mph speed limit we all know is in place in residential areas. I’ve had people become irate and drive aggressively when I do the speed limit. I feel it’s a big problem and a sign of a larger one.

We all know the rules, or we should if we hold a license to drive. Not many are following the rules. Some are outright breaking them; others are bending them because others are breaking them. It’s like all we need is an excuse to act worse. For me, that excuse was turning our cars into isolation chambers. We isolated ourselves from the “noises of the road” which seemed like a good idea at the time yet it seems we were too weak to still reach out to our fellow human beings. It set the dynamics of us vs. them. How did we miss that? I feel because it was the 80’s, the me generation. I feel we can see clearly the problems with this.

We can’t set every other vehicle on the road as an opponent and expect cooperation and community to spring from it. How can we be surprised at the results of the dynamic we, as a society, set in place? We decided that the individual was more important than the community they lived in. Since that time many of the policies set in place at that time have proven faulty. Remember “trickle down”?

So the time is now to break out of this, to consciously decide to come together. We have a beautiful country, a beautiful community if only we could stop to see it. If only we could put our greed on the back burner for a moment and see what we are all entitled to, what we could all have if only we could share and not hoard. I feel we swung the pendulum too far too fast. We’ve swung from letting the government do it’s own thing, from telling corporations have the right to “vote” back to the “99%” taking back the power. That won’t work folks, it won’t work. Just as we didn’t want “them” stripping our possessions from us, “they” don’t want us taking all their wealth and “redistributing” it. They won’t recognize that they gained it through oppression and we won’t recognize that we wouldn’t want to be treated the way we’re treating them.

Man, it’s time! It’s time to stop the petty bullshit and get it together already. We are in the twenty first century for god’s sake! It’s time to get it together. It’s time to drop where the problem sprung from; greed, and instead choose generosity. It’s time to be gentle with each other. It’s time I was part of the beautiful and diverse society I saw each morning on Sesame Street; the one where we all got along; where differences were chances to learn about each other, not to be shunned.

It is time to be the change…. That means be it without looking back, without waiting for everyone else to, without being weak and becoming greedy just because someone else is.

It’s time to love, to build together, to come together and respect each other. 

Vajra Vidya Retreat Center _ Newsletter

LOSAR TASHI DELEG!

Khenpo Jigme and Ani Seltong wish you the very best Year of the Water Dragon!

The Dragon is the major symbol of good fortune in Chinese Astrology. The Dragon constellation, for example, has the honor of being the guardian of the Eastern sky. According to tradition the Dragon brings in the Four Blessings of the East: wealth, virtue, harmony and longevity.

Since 1996 the year element – Earth, Water, Fire, etc. -- has been in a destructive relationship with the fixed element of the animal sign. That is the longest unfavorable period in the 60 year cycle of Chinese Astrology, and has meant a scarcity of good luck. The year 2012 is thus blessed not only by the lucky Dragon but also the end of that destructive cycle, with the year element and the fixed element now in harmony.

Furthermore, under the influence of the Water Dragon, things will be like a flowing river: ideas will flow, creativity will abound, economies will bloom, and love blossom in this environment. It is likely to be an exciting year indeed.

UPDATE ON THRANGU RINPOCHE

Khenpo Jigme recently returned from spending several weeks with Thrangu Rinpoche in Hong Kong, and reports that Rinpoche is doing very well, walking and swimming every day and getting good care and rest.

We expect to have a report on Rinpoche’s plans for the next year in early March, and will send out that news as soon as we receive it.

And, of course, we continue with prayers for Rinpoche’s good health and long life!

KHENPO JIGME’S SPRING TEACHINGS

Khenpo-la will be teaching March 23-25 on Dzambala (prosperity practice) and Manjushri (deity of wisdom). In April, teachings will be on Amitabha, April 27-29; in May Khenpo will teach on Phowa May 25-27. The April and May teachings are complementary to one another, and will be both new teaching and review of teachings Khenpo gave last year.

3-YEAR RETREAT BEGINNING NEXT YEAR

Beginning with the first Full Moon after Losar 2013, a traditional 3-Year, 3-Month Retreat will begin here at Vajra Vidya. We have space for 7 retreatants for this retreat. The most basic requirement for participation is being in good physical, mental, and emotional health. Other requirements will vary from person to person, to be determined by Khenpo Jigme in consultation with Thrangu Rinpoche.

If you are interested in participating in this retreat, you will need to have an interview with Khenpo-la, and attend a 2-week retreat here at VV between now and October 1.

Please contact coordinator@vajravidyaretreatcenter.org if you want to begin the process of application by scheduling an interview with Khenpo-la.

CHANGE IN RETREAT COSTS

Since Vajra Vidya opened for retreats 7 years ago, our cost to retreatants has remained the same: $35/night.  In the meantime, the cost for everything else has gone up.  And up, and up, as we all well know!

We have, therefore, reluctantly concluded that we need to raise our cost somewhat.  So, beginning with retreats scheduled for after March 1, 2012, costs will be: $40/night; Seniors & Students stay at $35/night; retreats of 28 days or longer, $30/night.

We thank you for your understanding of this very modest increase in price!

Khenpo Jigme and Ani Seltong, as always, send their best to you!

I was proud of my spirit...

                       

A few years ago I was with some friends and we were watching the first season of “True Blood” on tv. We had watched a couple episodes and I was worried it was going to be a weak platform and an excuse for special effects and sex.  I was happy when the story line started to unfold. The night I’m talking about was when we watched a character whose sexuality was never concretely determined in a scene which would define, for me, his character (both the actor’s own, and his characters). We all watched as he went to a vampire’s house to collect some of his blood. If you haven’t seen the show, vampire blood was sold like a drug to humans. At any rate, we watched as the vampire (played brilliantly by Stephen Root) revealed, through his advances, that he was gay. It was an interesting scene, with so much going on. At once this person (played by Nelsan Ellis) was interacting with this gentlemen trying to smooth him over, get what he wanted. It was a bit uncomfortable to watch. Not because there was tangible sexual tension between them, but because of the obvious manipulation and insincerity. Then there came a moment, when the Vampire reached out lovingly to the man and his guard dropped. It became about the moment and no longer about the exchange and the money he would get. It cumulated in a very tender kiss.

I thought it was a beautiful moment, a great scene, and touching in it’s honesty.

I sat there for a moment, as we all did. I was about to say something about it being lovely and tender but there was some reaction in our group, surprisingly from the women there, of discomfort in two men kissing. We passed it off and moved on as the show often does, and quickly. I thought a bout that kiss for a long time. I was proud of my spirit, genuinely. I feel the truest “you” is told in your authentic reactions to situations. My authentic reaction was to behold and enjoy a touching moment between two people. I saw the parallels to so many relationships in which I know the people personally. I saw the dynamics of just how difficult it is to let your guard down. I saw the “v-juice” as a metaphor for everything we go into a relationship wanting for ourselves. I saw the other side of it, and witnessed it become what this man would give away for affection. I had a moment, a ping of sadness, before I remembered that triumphant moment when they reached out and connected. It was beautiful. It was still a television show, but they say art imitates life, and I agree.

Do you know how rare that is? How hard it is to honestly connect with another person? How often it’s exactly what they showed only the metaphor of “v-juice” being what we’re after, and what we’re willing to give…. For love, for acceptance?

Life is long and it’s full of suffering. Like rocks with waves crashing against them, wearing them down, we are. Do not overlook, or pass by, an opportunity to reveal your soul to another and love them. I’m not talking about sex, exactly, because love making doesn’t always involve intercourse. I’m talking a bout the opportunity to drop your agenda, your fears, your insecurity and really open yourself to another person and love them, and be loved yourself.

I read a quote the other day, which after having written all this seems to be the seed from which this memory was born again.

“The love that you withhold is the pain that you carry - from lifetime to lifetime.” The first part is quoted from Alex Collier, after the hyphen is from the quote as I first saw it, so I included it. Regardless of the source, I think it’s a deep truism and something we should all understand and comprehend.

If your guilty mind tells you it’s wrong, if your conditioning tells you it’s a sin, if society causes you to squirm because you’ve heard a million times it’s disgusting…. please for the sake of us all, of the direction humanity is taking, look at it with your own unfiltered heart and mind and see for yourself; outside of any context where outside influences will, well, influence, look at it and see for yourself.

I’m just one person, speaking for only myself when I say that was one of the best, most convincing and easily the most touching and tender kisses I’ve ever seen on screen and I’m proud of my spirit for accepting it lovingly.

Namaste

The Language Demon Robs You With its Gift

All words, how ever profound, are nothing more than vibrations crated by our vocal chords. They are communication, nothing more. They are meant to communicate the intent of our hearts. We have created the trap of language, the trap of allowing ownership of words. Words are nothing more than a translation of thought and how can anyone own that? I can think of the copyrighted word Coke and there isn’t anything they can do about it. I think it all I want.

For this rant, essay, conversation with myself or what ever you’d like to call it, it would be best to begin with an explanation of impermanence and how I understand it. I want you to know where I am coming from. Nothing is permanent, not one single thing.  If you doubt this, go back to your home town, the place where you lived when you were eleven years old and see if it looks anything like you remember it. The world is nothing like it was in the time of Cesar. Nothing is permanent. You could point to artifacts in the museum and I’d say “give it time, it’ll fade too”. The point of this is to illustrate the pointlessness of clinging to things and those things in this talk are words. You can copyright the word, but you don’t own it. You may have some temporary legal action upon it, but give it time, it’ll fade.

Now I’m not talking a bout life being pointless, rather I’m trying to shift us a different direction. We use our words to hurt, entrap, protect, attract, coerce, offend, anger… we use our words to manipulate life around us. We often use our words in this manipulation to validate ourselves, to prove our existence. We hold up the words of others to define who we are. We wage wars based on the words that we’ve held as our definition because if they are attacked, so are we. I feel it would be best if we understood that words are just words and the matter at hand is our intent, our heart, not the vibrations of sound.

My good friend, my spiritual Sister, had on her refrigerator a collection of words on little magnetic pieces. We all took turns making funny sentences or phrases. I wrote one, it just popped into my head, but it would consume my thoughts for some time after. I don’t own these words, I didn’t “craft” them, they popped into my head and I placed them on her fridge. “The language demon robs you with its gift”.  I have found this to be true. As soon as I lock a beautiful thought into words describing it I lessen it’s innate beauty because mine was only one perception of a concept which is open and available to all people, all perspectives. It exists before words, before thought. When I capture it with my words and put it on display for all to see they can’t experience its true beauty, only the diorama of my perspective.

So when we come to religious texts we experience the same dynamic. They wrote the words from their own perspective. Whether they were inspired by Jesus, Guatnam Buddha or any other holy figure, they are only words and simply describe a perspective. Even if they were written by that holy person themselves, they are still words; still the mental currency of the ignorant.  I say ignorant because if we weren’t ignorant of this we’d all be holy and we wouldn’t be here. We cannot be so full of ourselves and our own ego as to think that the divine would sound anything like our speech. We cannot be so egotistic as to believe that only those who speak the same language it was written in were meant to have it, were somehow more holy or special. We have to understand and acknowledge that God is pronounced differently in every language. It is the perspective of that person who heard it. Even if God him/herself spoke their name to a person it would be the name that person, in their ignorance, could understand.

If we could just realize what our words are, what language actually is. They’re our innate connection to each other. They aren’t under attack; it’s just someone trying to express themselves in a manner we’ve all been taught. Remove your attachment to your words so you can fully understand, without bias, when others may use them. In this way you sacrifice yourself for your fellow human beings expression. In this way you’re an empty cup waiting to be filled with their knowledge. In this way there is nothing between you and their expression and you will know them, and yourself, better for it. Remove your intent from words like freeing them from a prison.

I believe in a concept, a dynamic, I can only express as love. I do not paint the word “love” with my understanding when someone else uses it. I do not trap them in my definitions. I listen to hear what they are saying and I look for it in the skies of my beliefs which float endlessly. So hold dear the intent of your heart and watch for it always in the words of your brothers and sisters. Remove the fish-hooks from your transmission so others can experience them with a truly open heart and mind. Do not cheapen those words which reflect your heart by using them as a shield, or worse, as a weapon.

Namaste

We are a nation of Subversion

I don’t usually rant political, not solely political anyway, and this is no different. I’ve been reading a bit this morning about the state of affairs in the country and it always makes me misanthropic. I see how we, as a people, always stoop to the lowest common denominator; always. We fight and mudsling instead of actually listening. We plot against what is right for what “I can get for me”. We have sullied our good name. As I interact in my home town in actual real life and on the internet for my social networking life I don’t see any force pushing for what is right. I don’t see that noble flag hoisted and fought for. Instead I see those “good causes” are really nothing more than political power pieces and they aren’t for “good” they’re for power and so they’re set up as “against” which isn’t the same thing. Being against Evil doesn’t mean you work for good.

I fail to see how we’re even still arguing about marriage as defined by religious terms. It’s ridiculous really and we’re far too intelligent to grasp as such a cheap and hateful defense from what, it seems, we unfairly fear. Any logical, reasonable person would, I believe, come to the conclusion that two people in love should marry, that there should be no difference because we are all equal. We all have the same right to pursue happiness upheld by our constitution. Without using “biblical standards”, which should be obvious, you cannot defend keeping this imbalance. As I watch my fellow countrymen try to twist and subvert the fabric of this nation for their own agenda; I weep.

The topic of Gay Marriage, which I just call Marriage, aside; we’ve watched as our elected officials argue and fight a healthcare reform not to make it better, not to make it more complete or fair or available, but on one hand fought to keep the opposing party from gaining popularity and on the other hand to simply make their side look better. They destroyed a small part of our collective consciousness in this act. They had the responsibility to act in the best interest of those who elected them and they chose instead to further their own political career.  So, when are we going to see it? We, as a nation, are simply not strong enough to resist greed, temptation. We are not good men. When healthcare is a business our greed will win, not what is right. When government is a business, a career; we are not strong enough to keep a good conscious let alone act in one.

How long has it been popular culture to call a politician crooked or corrupt? How often the subject of comedy? It is in the lexicon of common knowledge, yet we’re surprised that we’re mired in scandal and controversy?  Who has stood up and held our country dear and stood against those in power right now? Who has called for removal of corrupt politicians? Even when it has been as easily seen as it was in Wisconsin. Were those politicians removed from power for their abuses of it? It was forgotten, swept under the rug. When our people have to fear police brutality because big business actually pays for and own the police? Who is standing? When the few do stand are they supported by our country? No, they are either attacked in the press or there is a media blackout. So why is no one standing? We can now have our citizenship stripped by those who believe they have the power to do so. We can be labeled a “terrorist” and have our civil liberties taken and be held indefinitely without trial. This passed into law 1/1/2012. Well, soon there will be no one left to stand. Those who do will be quieted either by our press which tells the sheep to hate them, arrested unjustly, or simply quieted. This is our country, we should all hang our heads in shame.

Of course we’ve seen this all before. Fascism is nothing new. We saw, admittedly only in retrospect, how people standing quiet allowed for a group to overrun a government and establish itself as “right”. We saw as those who spoke out were removed because no one else would stand with them. We have this very same subversive trend slithering it’s way through our country right now. How many Christians have stood up and told these “Christian leaders” that they have it wrong, that Jesus preached love and tolerance, not hate and control? How many thinking people have stood up and said it’s wrong to hate, it causes violence? How many?

Not enough.

Why can’t we do what is right because it’s right? Why has the fabric of this country been eroded so badly that only subversive acts gain any positive movement? “Reality T.V.” has become the currency of our culture; it is now a valid representation of how we operate. We con our fellow man and begin our subversive campaign. No one works in the common good anymore; we’re all trying to be the star of the show. It’s disgusting and reprehensible. I used to be horrified at the thought that our chief cultural export was Jerry Springer, now that seems tame, but it sure looks like the bricks lining the path to where we are at now to me. Why can’t we just stand up? Why can’t we choose to be better people? Why can’t we do that without subjugating others? Like I said, being “against evil” isn’t the same as being good. It’s being a tool, a sometimes warrior, a mercenary; not responsible. That is a joke. Open your minds folks, stand for what you believe in, not what your church says, not what your local government says, not what the federal government says, unless it is what is already in your heart. You have to live your life from the joy in your own heart, not like a set of contrived dance moves you’ll memorize….  we’ve all seen the dance change, fads pass the “popular” kids change what’s “popular”. I’m sick of living in a world of adult aged Junior High School students. I’m ready for the world to evolve, to enlighten. I’m ready for us to stand for fairness, equality, justice, true freedom, honesty and tolerance. We the tired, the poor, the huddled masses just want an equality which is true to the spirit of man; be common man or the President – you are equal. It’s time to live up to the best of us, not down to the worst of us.

I believe it is time. I believe it’s time for “reality tv” to end, for the subversive nature of our country to be recognized and removed. I believe we should be so much better than we are. We’ve let our laziness go far enough. It’s time to live up to the best of us, to put our arm around our brothers and sisters and treat them like we want to be treated. I believe it’s time to be a proud American again. That takes the hard work of all of us; to own it and do our fair share.

It takes what we greatly lack in our country; integrity.

Sangye Menla: My Patron Deity

I was surfing Tumblr for Sangye Menla and I came up with no results. I searched for “Medicine Buddha” and there were so many entries. A great deal of those entries were pictures, type or phonetic versions of his heart mantra. I am very familiar with his mantra.   I came across it six years ago at the beginning of my venture into Buddhism.  I had been doing some pathworking spiritually and had come across the Medicine Buddha and his heart mantra really spoke to me. Through him H.H. the 16^th Karmapa’s dream flag and into Kagyu Buddhism, but that’s another story.

 I read the phonetic spelling of his mantra and the cadence was just there. I can’t explain it but much later, after I felt very close to his mantra I found an audio version of it. I was afraid to listen to it, afraid I was wrong. I listened anyway, I wanted to do it properly and found that I was right. I was uplifted and felt even more connected to him and the mantra. My working with Sangye Menla was really just chanting and trying to understand his mantra. It was early in my pathworking and I was trying to fit it into a “new age” or “pagan” spiritual mindset. It wasn’t working and I was getting a bit frustrated. Buddhism, as a philosophy, can fit easily into any organized religion. It’s a mindset of giving and sacrifice. I was exploring this, but my mind was locked, limited and I didn’t really know that at the time. It’s only in retrospect that I can identify these moments.

Tayata
Om Bekandze Bekandze
Maha Bekandze
Radza Samudgate Soha

I put everything away and lived simply in this mantra. I have seen many translations of it but this is the one that found me and how I came to understand it.

Mantra Meaning:

Tayatha: It is like this (setting intention)

Om: The complete sound of the universe

Beckandze: Request for healing

Beckandze: Request for healing

Maha Beckandze: Request for great healing

Radza: I bow to the King of Lapis Lazuli, great healer

Samungate: lead me to enlightenment

Soha: so mote it be

It was the setting of intention that got me. What is my intention? At the time the tiniest of voices from the middle of my heart said it was selfish, that what I was really after was healing for myself. My health was bad and getting worse. I had an abscess in the root of my eye-tooth but when I went to have the tooth pulled it was gone. It settled in the sac around my heart and caused paricarditus. I was passing out and I was weak and even though I had grown up with illness and limitation this was rock bottom it seemed. I was praying for only myself. I realized this and I chose to listen to that little voice and expand my perspective so I could find my intent, my true intent. As I thought about myself and how sick I was I realized that I was where I was because I procrastinated out of fear. I realized that my mind was my limitation. I thought back to my experience of floating in nothingness and the intent of my life and understood. My mindset caused emotion which lead to physical action. Asking for physical healing wouldn’t help me. I was asking Buddha to heal me in a way which would lead me to more suffering and sickness. I understood.

So I focused on my intention and being as I chanted this mantra. I centered myself (OM) I asked for physical healing for everyone (beckandze) I asked for emotional healing for everyone (beckandze) I asked for healing of the mind for everyone, to break through that blockage (maha beckandze) I was humble before the Buddha, great healer (radza) I asked to be his disciple, to help with healing (Samungate) So let it be (So ha)

From that moment on when I chanted the Medicine Buddha mantra (or any other that I would learn) from the mindset of Universal good. I understood that without the negative circumstance of my health I wouldn’t have been motivated to look for better. I began to chant it with the intention of freeing every sentient being through that same mental shift.  Putting your intention out into the Universe through a higher power is seen as prayer no matter which religious context you put it in. I was praying to Sangye Menla and as I did so I left it in his hands. May they be healed. May they meet their challenge and find their way through. May they know peace that comes from within, from the source which cannot be taken by anyone, by any circumstance. So ha! I prayed and prayed, sometimes for an entire day I would set my intention to serve others. My path lead to Kagyu Buddhism and to studying under Lama Norlha Rinpoche in New York. That is also another story, but my working with the Medicine Buddha would continue. He would lead me to Chenrezig, the Buddha of compassion.  His mantra, Om Mani Padme Hum (pronounced by Tibetans as: Om Mani Peme Hung) would lead me to a complete centering.  He would lead me.

I still chant his mantra. I still pray for the great healing of the world. I pray that we all have our mental walls lifted to show us we had nothing to fear, we were all alike all along; we’re all connected. That always leads me back to Chenrezig and compassion. That was my lesson at this time. I don’t ask Sangye Menla to heal me, physically. I don’t ask for the instruments of my lessons to be lifted. I walk forward and meet my challenges with my arms open wide…. When I don’t have my head in my rear while learning those lessons that is.

Expand your mind. Or as I told my nephew; Pan your perspective back until it’s your choice then choose what you want. We are all responsible for ourselves, that means my physical impact on this world and people, the emotional state I allow myself to be consumed in for the atmosphere it creates, my mindset and intent for they shape my impact here by setting the context of my emotional states and through that my physical actions. And I keep coming back to this quote from the Buddha “The thought manifests as the word; the word manifests as the deed; the deed develops into habit; and habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care, and let it spring from love born out of concern for all beings.” I understand this now, in my limited way, and I thank the Medicine Buddha for clearing the cobwebs from my mind and helping me to unfold it.

Namaste