For my Son: Aiden

My son, Aiden, was born in May of 1999 and passed that same day due to complications from a heart defect known as Tetrology of Fallot.  The reason I’m sharing this with you is because a friend of mine asked advice on helping a young person who was feeling suicidal. It may seem odd to share the story of a child’s death to help someone cope with life, but this isn’t the story of my son, it’s mine.

My wife and I had only been married four years when our son died. It had been a whirlwind of emotion. At one point we were given hope from the staff at John’s Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, feeling that it all may be able to be repaired in surgery. They couldn’t account for his underdeveloped lungs though and he was unable to survive.

With my wife in her post-partum room and my family helping her as much as possible with the decision we had made to let him pass, I walked the corridor down to take him from life support. My eyes still get misty when I think of this. It is, without a doubt, the single hardest thing I have ever had to do. I watched & helped a bit as they took him from life support. I wrapped him quickly but carefully and carried his quickly graying body from NICU to our room so my wife could love her son before he passed. I was operating on a different level, none of my concerns mattered, only my son and my wife. He passed in our arms with our tears upon his head.

I took my cold, grey and motionless son back to the NICU and kissed his head. I whispered my words into his ears last. I took my moment with him in the hallway outside the NICU.

That moment both destroyed and saved my life. It was a four year downward spiral which cumulated when my wife left me and took our children. We had moved to Texas after Aiden and conceived another child, Connor. My wife didn’t want our children too far apart in age as she and her brothers were. She felt they would be closer in relationship if they were close in age. I think she was right. We started to drift apart. My wife and I and we didn’t even realize it. Being from a broken home, a family was the most important thing to me. I truly lived up to my astrological set, being a Cancer. When I lost my son I became over-protective, micro-managing and extremely controlling. I began to manufacture a perfect life and a perfect family and I came down hard on my wife or kids when they didn’t meet my expectations. My wife had her own problems and the distance between us resulted in her living a double life with me. The person I thought was agreeing with me and how I was thinking was just a sort of “yes man”. The rift grew, with me not knowing she didn’t agree and her unable to speak to me about how she actually felt.   I mistreated my sons in chasing this “ideal”, so did she in trying to manufacture her own separate “reality” but who can say such things to parents when they’re grieving?

The end came when I was abusive to my family. I had let this fear force me inwards and I was lost inside myself. My moment of clarity came when I was lying on my couch; everything started to fade away and soon everything was black and I was floating in nothing. I had the realization that this was eternity and that all I had for company was me. I was an asshole and I didn’t like myself one bit. As I realized that my body faded away as well and all I was left with was my consciousness. It was the perspective of me and it was ALL about me and only me. I realized that was a large part of my problem. I had been asking my family to lie down and sacrifice their own wants and desires for my own. I wasn’t being fair and I knew it. I looked inside myself and I could point out all those moments where I knew what I was doing wasn’t fair but looked away. I saw myself, my inner cooperation side making excuses to myself for being a dick. I chose not to look away anymore. I chose to be good.

Eventually this reality took hold and I became a different person. I had self-confidence because I had stopped letting myself down. I had given myself reason to have confidence in me. Self-respect, self-love, self-assuredness comes from choosing to be the best you; from facing the fear and standing tall.

I openly admit now my transgressions of the past. I would want that were I in their shoes. I don’t spend my time trying to “make it up” to them because that’s not possible and any reasonable person would really only want the change to happen not a big song and dance.

Again, I’m writing this today because a friend of mine shared with me someone asking her for help and feeling suicidal. To that person:

You have no idea now how beautiful you are & will become. Give yourself time, all things change. In the darkest of my sorrow I felt there was no hope… but then I wasn’t strong enough to go looking either.

The sun doesn’t shine in your window all day, every day. There will be days that you have to find the resolve to wait until tomorrow, to find the strength to walk through the rain. You have it within you, right now, to be absolutely amazing. Amazing people have down times, they cry and they get hurt too…. It’s the perspective of them which keeps them going. You have the opportunity now to let the failings of your family lock you down by a) believing in them or b) rebelling against them… either way you’re still attached to it. Choose c) Be the best me I can be according to what I believe and stand for it.

We’re all living the perspective of me. Some of us simply cannot see any other way; I know I used to be locked into that cave. Have faith that we can all break free from it. Your parents, your kids, your family may be locked in a perspective which affords no other view… show them love; share with them you. Your life is yours and it is legendary… don’t make it the story of someone who did nothing for a very long time then passed away safely. Live your life.

Be a good person, be humble, what will, be will be.

Namaste

Effects of Isolation

Effects of Isolation

I was mentioning to my wife the other day about how the biggest red flag of how our society has degraded is how we all drive. Each day I see more and more people running stop signs, running red lights recklessly and turn arrows as well. There are several areas around town where, in a double turn lane, people will try to merge lanes as soon as they turn in an attempt to avoid a) missing the light or b) to avoid the long line of people waiting in the correct lane. I see residential areas where no one drives the 25mph speed limit we all know is in place in residential areas. I’ve had people become irate and drive aggressively when I do the speed limit. I feel it’s a big problem and a sign of a larger one.

We all know the rules, or we should if we hold a license to drive. Not many are following the rules. Some are outright breaking them; others are bending them because others are breaking them. It’s like all we need is an excuse to act worse. For me, that excuse was turning our cars into isolation chambers. We isolated ourselves from the “noises of the road” which seemed like a good idea at the time yet it seems we were too weak to still reach out to our fellow human beings. It set the dynamics of us vs. them. How did we miss that? I feel because it was the 80’s, the me generation. I feel we can see clearly the problems with this.

We can’t set every other vehicle on the road as an opponent and expect cooperation and community to spring from it. How can we be surprised at the results of the dynamic we, as a society, set in place? We decided that the individual was more important than the community they lived in. Since that time many of the policies set in place at that time have proven faulty. Remember “trickle down”?

So the time is now to break out of this, to consciously decide to come together. We have a beautiful country, a beautiful community if only we could stop to see it. If only we could put our greed on the back burner for a moment and see what we are all entitled to, what we could all have if only we could share and not hoard. I feel we swung the pendulum too far too fast. We’ve swung from letting the government do it’s own thing, from telling corporations have the right to “vote” back to the “99%” taking back the power. That won’t work folks, it won’t work. Just as we didn’t want “them” stripping our possessions from us, “they” don’t want us taking all their wealth and “redistributing” it. They won’t recognize that they gained it through oppression and we won’t recognize that we wouldn’t want to be treated the way we’re treating them.

Man, it’s time! It’s time to stop the petty bullshit and get it together already. We are in the twenty first century for god’s sake! It’s time to get it together. It’s time to drop where the problem sprung from; greed, and instead choose generosity. It’s time to be gentle with each other. It’s time I was part of the beautiful and diverse society I saw each morning on Sesame Street; the one where we all got along; where differences were chances to learn about each other, not to be shunned.

It is time to be the change…. That means be it without looking back, without waiting for everyone else to, without being weak and becoming greedy just because someone else is.

It’s time to love, to build together, to come together and respect each other. 

Vajra Vidya Retreat Center _ Newsletter

LOSAR TASHI DELEG!

Khenpo Jigme and Ani Seltong wish you the very best Year of the Water Dragon!

The Dragon is the major symbol of good fortune in Chinese Astrology. The Dragon constellation, for example, has the honor of being the guardian of the Eastern sky. According to tradition the Dragon brings in the Four Blessings of the East: wealth, virtue, harmony and longevity.

Since 1996 the year element – Earth, Water, Fire, etc. -- has been in a destructive relationship with the fixed element of the animal sign. That is the longest unfavorable period in the 60 year cycle of Chinese Astrology, and has meant a scarcity of good luck. The year 2012 is thus blessed not only by the lucky Dragon but also the end of that destructive cycle, with the year element and the fixed element now in harmony.

Furthermore, under the influence of the Water Dragon, things will be like a flowing river: ideas will flow, creativity will abound, economies will bloom, and love blossom in this environment. It is likely to be an exciting year indeed.

UPDATE ON THRANGU RINPOCHE

Khenpo Jigme recently returned from spending several weeks with Thrangu Rinpoche in Hong Kong, and reports that Rinpoche is doing very well, walking and swimming every day and getting good care and rest.

We expect to have a report on Rinpoche’s plans for the next year in early March, and will send out that news as soon as we receive it.

And, of course, we continue with prayers for Rinpoche’s good health and long life!

KHENPO JIGME’S SPRING TEACHINGS

Khenpo-la will be teaching March 23-25 on Dzambala (prosperity practice) and Manjushri (deity of wisdom). In April, teachings will be on Amitabha, April 27-29; in May Khenpo will teach on Phowa May 25-27. The April and May teachings are complementary to one another, and will be both new teaching and review of teachings Khenpo gave last year.

3-YEAR RETREAT BEGINNING NEXT YEAR

Beginning with the first Full Moon after Losar 2013, a traditional 3-Year, 3-Month Retreat will begin here at Vajra Vidya. We have space for 7 retreatants for this retreat. The most basic requirement for participation is being in good physical, mental, and emotional health. Other requirements will vary from person to person, to be determined by Khenpo Jigme in consultation with Thrangu Rinpoche.

If you are interested in participating in this retreat, you will need to have an interview with Khenpo-la, and attend a 2-week retreat here at VV between now and October 1.

Please contact coordinator@vajravidyaretreatcenter.org if you want to begin the process of application by scheduling an interview with Khenpo-la.

CHANGE IN RETREAT COSTS

Since Vajra Vidya opened for retreats 7 years ago, our cost to retreatants has remained the same: $35/night.  In the meantime, the cost for everything else has gone up.  And up, and up, as we all well know!

We have, therefore, reluctantly concluded that we need to raise our cost somewhat.  So, beginning with retreats scheduled for after March 1, 2012, costs will be: $40/night; Seniors & Students stay at $35/night; retreats of 28 days or longer, $30/night.

We thank you for your understanding of this very modest increase in price!

Khenpo Jigme and Ani Seltong, as always, send their best to you!