The Fragile Man

I have shopped my writing around to the publications closest to my subject matter and have found that they aren't interested in my opinion. They publish the editorial works of experts and I'm no expert and all I really have is my perspective. So, I've decided to write about the only subject I'm an expert in, myself.

I'm going to post the beginning of a book I'm writing and I'd like your feedback. Here is what I propose: Read the beginning few paragraphs with the understanding that this will be the telling of a six year journey through fibromyalgia and my other ailments. So read and let me know if you'd keep reading this book, or if it's best kept for myself.

Thank you in advance :-)

Namaste,

Ryan

I awoke on my couch, facing eviction, the power being cut off and working a job which was entirely too physical for my body. My wife and children were gone, left to Texas because I had been a violent man. I had curbed my physical outbursts, but was still difficult to live with. I was full of delusion and victimization and all the pain medication and muscle relaxants I had left. I didn't want to live another day, not without my family. I had the two dogs for company, and they loved me but it was hard to love them back when they reminded me so much of what I had lost. I looked into the empty room my sons had shared; toys still lain on the floor. I laid back on my couch, which had became my bed, since I wasn't sleeping in our bed. I lived a life of busting tires all day, six days a week, 70+ hours a week and staying awake all night. As I laid there a thought bubbled up from the center of my mind like the message from an old '8 ball"; all I had was myself for company and I hated myself. I was an ass-hole and a bully. As I realized this the room began to fade into so much black nothingness and I was there floating by myself.; outside of time and space with no beginning and no end. As I realized that  this was the fabric of reality, I knew myself completely and my body faded. I was simply the energy of me, this observer. I looked back and saw the fabric of my negative energy threaded through the lives of my family causing so much of our distress and problems. I saw it changing the beautiful nature of my children. I saw it causing my lovely wife to bend and change. I could feel her pain and fear in my deepest heart and I awoke.

I sat there staring into the room, blinking at the vivid clarity of it all just as I had done so many years ago when I received my first pair of glasses. Trees weren't just green cotton balls; life wasn't the fabric of my dreams. I understood into the center of a deep placed I had long ago suppressed,  that we are all connected and I had been so very irresponsible with my part in it all. I had been irresponsible in my role as a father, as a husband, as a friend and as a human being. I was selfish, judgmental, and so egocentric my victim mentality was like a suit of armor. I saw it so clearly of myself and I stripped myself naked unto the light of truth. I had fought against the worst of myself for so long. I was tired of shirking, tired of being ashamed of my true self. I turned and fought, finally. I closed my eyes, I grit my teeth, clenched my fists and faced it. When I opened my eyes I expected to be facing demons, shadows, enemies of some sort and what hit my like a blade to my heart was the sight of myself, pale face in my hands weeping at what I had done. I saw this man, who couldn't stand tall; who had faced his whole life as though visited by the ghost of Christmas past.  His shoulders were slumped and his heart was wallowed in sorrow and despair. I became aware of the energy, call it atmosphere, esp or however you can understand it, but I became aware of a looming choice. I felt it with every fiber of my physical being. Like my own spidey-sense; my karmasense was tingling like crazy. The fight or flight reaction was pulling like the riptide of the oncoming of a tremendous wave. I didn't care, I had made my choice and as the wave crashed I covered that man with my body. In the churning destruction I was washed away, split into so many layers of facade as the cinema of my life was shown before me. Each scene; a layer of delusion ripped away, exposing me, skinning me alive. I didn't falter, I didn't shirk. Layer after layer I watched as karma; my energetic responsibility for the threads of delusion, hate and judgement I had woven into reality were heaped upon my shoulders. I used those scenes flashed before me as bubbles of truth to follow to the surface if I were to survive. As I pressed into these scenes, no longer a witness; neutral, I became. Without knowing or noticing perhaps I became that figure I had seen. My face in my hands weeping as the pain I had wrought on others only to disguise myself, to cast my view from who I was. Their pain was to alleviate my own... the source of my shame shown before me as the last load of karmic weight. I stood and assumed it all unto my being. I was one again, like I had been so many years ago as a child. I was washed clean while not removing my past. This wasn't a fragmentation, it was a reunification. I could stand tall because I am a good person. I have done bad things, but I was no longer running from them. Stripped to near spartan living I walked my talk every day.

I had been shown the subtle luring nature of that inner space I came to call the cave. I walked every day being as present as I could be. I had seen the shields of delusion and their consequences and I rejected my reality and stood for truth come what may, how ever I may be judged or scrutinized I will walk in the light of truth. My first tool was to openly call bullshit on myself. When I was being weak and letting others do more work than I on the job I would call bullshit on myself. At first it took stepping into the restroom to actually face my reflection and call it out. "you're being an asshole, you're using and manipulating them and it IS NOT RIGHT" I had to affirm it in reality, not the vacuum of my mind because I can change the facts as I see fit in there. Out here in reality, if I spoke it aloud, I couldn't take it back. I foiled my sneaky and underhanded ego-self this way. It was what it was, I could not change it. Those moments were my foot holds, my anchor points for when I fell, and I fell a lot in the beginning. I began to see again, as I did in that moment of clarity, the sun warmed me, the coffee was richer and I was real, and I was ok. I began to rebuild myself in this way. I was raising two boys into manhood and I couldn't define it and the shame of my example to them thus far was like a burning  coal for the engine of my purpose. To be a good person.

The road to Enlightenment is through truth

I do not consider myself to be enlightened. I feel I’m on the path leading there and I feel that compassion, being a major tenet of this, that we must strengthen the bonds of our interconnectedness. To do this I feel the best way is to erase fear, since I believe it is fear which keeps us apart. I feel the best way I can do this is to expose myself to you, raw, unfiltered and real – in the light of truth.

The path to Enlightenment is through truth. I posted that earlier and several people liked and agreed with the sentiment. How closely do we look at this process though? How much light of truth do we allow to penetrate us? Because it is inversely proportionate to the levels of our misery. It seems odd to say that exposing yourself; your ugly side could lessen your misery but let me explain my walk, which is ongoing.

I wasn’t happy, life wasn’t what I wanted it to be. I wanted a bigger house, a better car, a better job; hell no job – I wanted to be independently wealthy, I wanted a better relationship with my wife. I felt lost, I felt incomplete and empty often. I wanted a better life for my kids but my own childhood left me with no tools for a normal relationship. The dynamics of my household were horrible. Everyone lived in fear of me. My excuse was that I was building a good family and that I couldn’t make everyone happy. That was total bologna; the truth was I just wanted it all my way.

As I have written before my big epiphany came when my wife took our kids and left me. I was a violent, irrational being for many years, she had grown accustomed to it so when the violence ended but I still had the same energy, the same air about me the waiting and suspense for something she was sure was coming was too much. I don’t blame her. At the time I was in the beginning of really trying to fix myself. I knew, let me get this completely clear, I knew the whole time that violence and what I was doing was wrong. Even after I had changed the bulk of it I was still aggressively after securing only my own piece of the pie. I wanted a better life for my kids…. For me; because that meant I was a good father. I never considered just relating to them and letting their needs dictate how I was a good father, nope it was all about me.

So they left…. I had a house with empty rooms. I had a job to go to and bills to pay. Part of the problem between my wife and I was money (like most families) and how it was being spent. So when she decided to leave she let the bills go, I believe, to subconsciously force her to leave. She had to make a big mess and run from me, she couldn’t just leave. We were messed up, folks.  We kept it hidden, like many families I suppose. The point is though I didn’t hit her or the kids she felt the same fear and left. Your transgressions don’t always immediately bring about their consequences. That is in no way under your control.

I slept on the couch; it was too difficult to sleep alone in our bed. I filly wallowed in my misery. In fact I entertained suicidal thoughts. I laid there on my couch for a month at least eating horrible fast food, not cooking for myself and smoking like a freight train. Then one night deep thought took me. I didn’t intend to be thinking deeply about myself and my place in the universe, it just consumed me. Suddenly there I was kind of floating above all these scenes of myself in different interactions. I was watching this unfold through eyes of truth. I could see my own horrible actions as well as the actions of the others. It was an odd sensation to be so disconnected from myself, seeing myself so clearly and finding disgust for myself in my heart. Then I saw myself lying on the couch and I looked dead and you know, it didn’t bother me. It didn’t bother me at all. Then the couch faded away and there was my body floating in this black emptiness. I watched as my clothes left, leaving me naked unto myself and then as my body faded but my consciousness didn’t; it hit me. I understood that I was alone in this vast darkness and I had only who I was for company and I was a jerk, no I was a dick, a real dick. I had hit my kids, I had hit my wife, I had bullied them all. I couldn’t love that person, I couldn’t stand him let alone being left with only him for company for all eternity. Then as the world faded back in and I realized I was sitting on my couch it all made sense to me. I set about being a nice person and considering others as I had wanted to be, but was afraid of not being, so I was passive aggressive about it and bullied people. I didn’t look at it though. I had a life full of drama I created which kept my focus off my own actions.

Then as I sat there I went back in my mind to all those interactions I had seen and I watched myself and I noticed one thing in all of them:

The moment you witness yourself making an excuse to yourself for your own bad behavior is your call to enlightenment by establishing the source, action of and only escape from your own karma.

It was true in every single instance.

Let me quickly explain how I see karma so that that sentence can make more sense. Karma is the wave you create by acting other than yourself. When you try to act tough the universe smacks you down. Some times its just as clear cut as that and sometimes it’s a total mystery but it always, always, always stems from excusing yourself for what you hold others to judgment for. Theft, for example, is mostly universal. Universally, most people would say it’s wrong. Now, not giving up your seat on the bus to someone else, which is up to your own moral fiber, could be wrong but stepping away from that will cause a wave you have to overcome. Your life is your own and it is shaped by you; by your conception of yourself. When you don’t live up to what you know you should be the Universe sets u[p tests, challenges and lessons to help you see it, but it is still up to you to see it.

So there I was on my couch reliving all these painful moments in which I was a complete tool and standing against my choices. It was like I had to go back and atone for them all and fix them by standing for what was right. I had to watch myself hitting my son and witness the true horrible ugly I embodied and unleashed upon my gentle son. I had to drive into the center of me, down into my soul, the reality of how wrong that was, what I should have done, what I did to him. I had to account for it all. So I spent my three months in solitude when I wasn’t working and I did nothing but look back at myself. Slowly but surely I emerged a different person. I found my own gentle roots, which look so much like my son it breaks my heart. Doing that helped me see how to be a better father to them, a better husband to my wife and a better person for myself.

It was the worst of times; it was the best of times.

I vowed to walk in the light of truth from that moment on. Much later after having found Buddhism (which paralleled my experience) and working with Rinpoche, my Lama, I learned three simple steps to maintaining that walk: Be humble, Be a good person, what will be will be.

Your life is your own, you are responsible for it completely; your actions, your inactions and your reactions - from the three levels of being – they must all be in harmony for you to be able to find happiness…

Or so it is in my experience.

Namaste

We are a nation of Subversion

I don’t usually rant political, not solely political anyway, and this is no different. I’ve been reading a bit this morning about the state of affairs in the country and it always makes me misanthropic. I see how we, as a people, always stoop to the lowest common denominator; always. We fight and mudsling instead of actually listening. We plot against what is right for what “I can get for me”. We have sullied our good name. As I interact in my home town in actual real life and on the internet for my social networking life I don’t see any force pushing for what is right. I don’t see that noble flag hoisted and fought for. Instead I see those “good causes” are really nothing more than political power pieces and they aren’t for “good” they’re for power and so they’re set up as “against” which isn’t the same thing. Being against Evil doesn’t mean you work for good.

I fail to see how we’re even still arguing about marriage as defined by religious terms. It’s ridiculous really and we’re far too intelligent to grasp as such a cheap and hateful defense from what, it seems, we unfairly fear. Any logical, reasonable person would, I believe, come to the conclusion that two people in love should marry, that there should be no difference because we are all equal. We all have the same right to pursue happiness upheld by our constitution. Without using “biblical standards”, which should be obvious, you cannot defend keeping this imbalance. As I watch my fellow countrymen try to twist and subvert the fabric of this nation for their own agenda; I weep.

The topic of Gay Marriage, which I just call Marriage, aside; we’ve watched as our elected officials argue and fight a healthcare reform not to make it better, not to make it more complete or fair or available, but on one hand fought to keep the opposing party from gaining popularity and on the other hand to simply make their side look better. They destroyed a small part of our collective consciousness in this act. They had the responsibility to act in the best interest of those who elected them and they chose instead to further their own political career.  So, when are we going to see it? We, as a nation, are simply not strong enough to resist greed, temptation. We are not good men. When healthcare is a business our greed will win, not what is right. When government is a business, a career; we are not strong enough to keep a good conscious let alone act in one.

How long has it been popular culture to call a politician crooked or corrupt? How often the subject of comedy? It is in the lexicon of common knowledge, yet we’re surprised that we’re mired in scandal and controversy?  Who has stood up and held our country dear and stood against those in power right now? Who has called for removal of corrupt politicians? Even when it has been as easily seen as it was in Wisconsin. Were those politicians removed from power for their abuses of it? It was forgotten, swept under the rug. When our people have to fear police brutality because big business actually pays for and own the police? Who is standing? When the few do stand are they supported by our country? No, they are either attacked in the press or there is a media blackout. So why is no one standing? We can now have our citizenship stripped by those who believe they have the power to do so. We can be labeled a “terrorist” and have our civil liberties taken and be held indefinitely without trial. This passed into law 1/1/2012. Well, soon there will be no one left to stand. Those who do will be quieted either by our press which tells the sheep to hate them, arrested unjustly, or simply quieted. This is our country, we should all hang our heads in shame.

Of course we’ve seen this all before. Fascism is nothing new. We saw, admittedly only in retrospect, how people standing quiet allowed for a group to overrun a government and establish itself as “right”. We saw as those who spoke out were removed because no one else would stand with them. We have this very same subversive trend slithering it’s way through our country right now. How many Christians have stood up and told these “Christian leaders” that they have it wrong, that Jesus preached love and tolerance, not hate and control? How many thinking people have stood up and said it’s wrong to hate, it causes violence? How many?

Not enough.

Why can’t we do what is right because it’s right? Why has the fabric of this country been eroded so badly that only subversive acts gain any positive movement? “Reality T.V.” has become the currency of our culture; it is now a valid representation of how we operate. We con our fellow man and begin our subversive campaign. No one works in the common good anymore; we’re all trying to be the star of the show. It’s disgusting and reprehensible. I used to be horrified at the thought that our chief cultural export was Jerry Springer, now that seems tame, but it sure looks like the bricks lining the path to where we are at now to me. Why can’t we just stand up? Why can’t we choose to be better people? Why can’t we do that without subjugating others? Like I said, being “against evil” isn’t the same as being good. It’s being a tool, a sometimes warrior, a mercenary; not responsible. That is a joke. Open your minds folks, stand for what you believe in, not what your church says, not what your local government says, not what the federal government says, unless it is what is already in your heart. You have to live your life from the joy in your own heart, not like a set of contrived dance moves you’ll memorize….  we’ve all seen the dance change, fads pass the “popular” kids change what’s “popular”. I’m sick of living in a world of adult aged Junior High School students. I’m ready for the world to evolve, to enlighten. I’m ready for us to stand for fairness, equality, justice, true freedom, honesty and tolerance. We the tired, the poor, the huddled masses just want an equality which is true to the spirit of man; be common man or the President – you are equal. It’s time to live up to the best of us, not down to the worst of us.

I believe it is time. I believe it’s time for “reality tv” to end, for the subversive nature of our country to be recognized and removed. I believe we should be so much better than we are. We’ve let our laziness go far enough. It’s time to live up to the best of us, to put our arm around our brothers and sisters and treat them like we want to be treated. I believe it’s time to be a proud American again. That takes the hard work of all of us; to own it and do our fair share.

It takes what we greatly lack in our country; integrity.

The Fabric of US

The fabric of a civilization, to me, has always been how well it's people work together. Then I drive to work and watch as more and more people run red lights, stop signs, speed, drive dangerously.... funny how you're my countryman until we're driving near each other, then you're my enemy.

No wonder we're so confused.... but then adjust your perspective even farther and see how civilized our planet has become. I'm trying to find some reason to be proud of US without having the source of that thing I'm proud of come from our disgrace.

The grocery store, shopping malls, amusement parks and so on; they all seem to have the same atmosphere: competition. Where did the cooperation go? Where did consideration go? Where did all the values we were raised to believe disappear to? When did we grow to hate each other so much? We villianize yet don't want to be villianized. We are prejudiced yet don't want to be prejudged? It amazes me. We join a group, be it religious or what have you, which defines itself by what it's opposed to not what it believes in and we can't figure out why the positives in our lives are eroding?

How many have given control over? How many consciously positive acts do make in any given day? How do you take control over your own life and happiness? I've heard so many excuses, just in conversations with my friends. So many join that group as that positive act so that the group can do the positive work for them, then they simply go back to the way they were before while believing they are in some way contributing. No, I'm sorry, you're not. What you're doing is buying a clean conscience. Don't feel too bad though, that has happened all throughout our history. It wasn't too long ago you could buy your way into heaven, according to the Catholic Church, but don't tell Martin Luther we've undone his work and that you can, once again, buy indulgences. You may say that this is only one "branch" of Catholicism and that it doesn't pertain to you directly. Well, do you live on this planet? Are you exposed to people who are a) of a different religion or b) read? Then how exactly do you keep this concept from invading your consciousness?  It isn't a solid & tangible thing, like gingivitis which we fight by using mouthwash. It is before words,  not of this reality, a concept which is exposed to us all and whether presented positively or negatively anyone can be exposed to it. You cannot rid the world of it because it comes from us, all of us. It comes from every lazy inclination we indulge, every corner we cut, every half step we excuse. It is our nature, it seems, to live down to our lowest not up to our highest consciousness. 

Have you ever worked somewhere and it just clicked? Where everyone was pulling their weight and the whole thing was fun to be a part of? Do you remember when it died? Because they all do. It only takes one person to shift a bit, a new person added, a stabilizing force to leave, etc and it's all gone and all those folks who were giving their 100% now watch to see how much everyone else is going to do first. How easily our ideals crumble. It only takes one anymore. There was a day where peoples moral fiber was stronger, when their work ethic was more sound; of course with that great positive came the counterbalance of closed mindedness. It seems we have always been trying to find a way to live our ideals, and compromising. There is a huge difference between compromise for the greater good and compromise to avoid a conflict. Once we head down that road we are forever governed by the bullies in our life.

The great civilizations of our time came about from the work of cooperative individuals. There was no way to buy the great democracy of ancient Greece, well not at least until it it transformed and became the warlike nation of Rome. Then you could buy your democracy, which would be a bit more fair in your favor. The same concept exists today, we call them special interest groups and lobbyists. It is a way to circumvent the system and get more for me than for you. It's how our country works now, and we can see it's action in our everyday encounters; the mall, the grocery store, the highway; anyplace many of us congregate without supervision or leadership. No one is sitting on the front of your shopping cart reminding you to be considerate. No one is riding shotgun helping you to see what a dick you're being by cutting that guy off. We have only ourselves to rely upon and we're not up to the task anymore. We've given away our responsibility, to our government; all while we said it was corrupt, buy hey, it's better than actually getting involved, our religious organizations; which tell us who to hate, just about anyone who promises us less work and more fantasy. We no longer believe in the sacrifice of parenthood and we leave our kids to be raised by "Jersey Shore" and other "reality" television because, hey, it's easier than getting involved. We see the lack of our action everywhere. We see this attitude, which we greedily adopt, all over and we "support it from our lands in the north while I gain English favor by condemning it, and ordering it opposed from our lands in the south" and this dialogue takes place within us, between our puppets and our true selves and still we wonder why we're so confused. It is our bright and true self wanting to do good giving in to the We wonder why we have no hope. We wonder why the world seems so bleak. We wonder why no one has fixed it yet. We suck.

We pollute and make the excuses of how it is necessary for our survival, there we go ordering it condemned and supporting it all at the same time. We just made our existence now more important than generations to come, yet we don't see it in that light. The light of truth which is without excuses or "circumstances". Just look for yourself and see what you see. Detach yourself from the viewpoints given to you through family, community, religion, government, nationality, gender, age, sexual orientation and so on and find your true self and look. Find your morals and ethics, define who you are through your actions not your clothes, house, job, car, money because all of those are just the merit badges of looking away, of saying "this doesn't concern me" and falling back to sleep while children have their childhood stolen to make the clothes which define who you are. You exist before words, before concepts and you are completely free to be the person you are. We are, all of us, responsible for our selves, our brothers and sisters, this planet and every single second of our lives. Remember that job? The one where it just clicked and everyone got along. Do you remember?

Why can't the world be that way? I'll tell you, the reason is us.

We have had beautiful souls who have tried and tried to tell us, to warn us and yet we won't listen... until after their death, then we define ourselves by their words. Don't define yourself by their words, understand them; find yourself to an understanding of the concept before the words and look into your honest heart and see if it exists there, only you can know.

Examine these with your soul:

A 'No' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.
Mohandas Gandhi 

We win justice quickest by rendering justice to the other party.
Mohandas Gandhi


What is true of the individual will be tomorrow true of the whole nation if individuals will but refuse to lose heart and hope.
Mohandas Gandhi

Those who say religion has nothing to do with politics do not know what religion is.
Mohandas Gandhi

Though we may know Him by a thousand names, He is one and the same to us all.
Mohandas Gandhi

We do not need to proselytise either by our speech or by our writing. We can only do so really with our lives. Let our lives be open books for all to study.
Mohandas Gandhi

Service which is rendered without joy helps neither the servant nor the served. But all other pleasures and possessions pale into nothingness before service which is rendered in a spirit of joy.
Mohandas Gandhi

A nation that is afraid to let its people judge the truth and falsehood in an open market is a nation that is afraid of its people.
John F. Kennedy

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.
John F. Kennedy


A nation or civilization that continues to produce soft-minded men purchases its own spiritual death on the installment plan.
Martin Luther King, Jr.


A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom.
Martin Luther King, Jr.


A riot is the language of the unheard.
Martin Luther King, Jr.


An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

At the center of non-violence stands the principle of love.
Martin Luther King, Jr.


Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.
Martin Luther King, Jr.


Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

All major religious traditions carry basically the same message, that is love, compassion and forgiveness the important thing is they should be part of our daily lives.
Dalai Lama

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.
Dalai Lama

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Dalai Lama


Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day.
Dalai Lama



Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.
Buddha

However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act on upon them?
Buddha

In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves.
Buddha

It is a man's own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways.
Buddha

It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.
Buddha

The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.
Buddha

Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill.
Buddha

The thought manifests as the word; the word manifests as the deed; the deed develops into habit; and habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care, and let it spring from love born out of concern for all beings.
Buddha

and, though I'm vastly out of my league with these beautiful souls, one of my own:

The recognition of a moment where you witnessed yourself making an excuse to yourself for your own bad behavior is your call to enlightenment by establishing the source, action of and only escape from your own karma.
Ryan Nikkel