There is a pale beauty in loss; as it brings those thoughts of cherished people and things into a different perspective. We have the opportunity in those moments to revel one again in the sunlight they bring. Simply recalling a place, time, or people you were with when a string a events occurred does not bring the same warmth, depth or comfort.
These thoughts are brought to mind today as the cold causes me to bundle up for my morning walk. As I do I guess it's my natural tendency to draw inward. I like to think it's Mother nature tucking us in ever so slowly; into that long walk within. As I bundle and walk my wife is on my mind. I've gotten the coffee made and ready. She's sleeping so soundly, her breath to deep and even, I don't have the heart to wake her. As I'm grabbing her coat, an XL men's corduroy fleece lined number, she wakes up a bit. She checks her alarm and dives back into sleep. So there I am walking up and back the path in the backyard pre-warming her coat because she has to catch the bus today and thinking. I'm thinking of how I can ease the pain of her loss. I wouldn't speak of it in a forum like this if it weren't so relevant to this time of year, how this experience came to me and to how I see the healing process.
Here we are full in the beginning of Autumn, of harvest and growth. It's much easier to see the process of death and life I guess when I think of the way we live with the earth. I don't mean living on the earth I mean living with it, with it's seasons. The Spring is a time of new growth leading into Summer and vitality; hard work which leads to Autumn and the harvest which we store as the cold of Winter sets in. That can be seen as physically and plainly as the allegory of the grasshopper and the ant; though attaching to firmly to the physical realm. We don't live plain lives though, there are storms and times of abundance and life is the walk through that adventure. Living with the earth means setting our hearts to it's beat as well as you march through life. You can call it metaphysical, scientific or fit it into any religious or spiritual path; which plants it in the file of "truism' for me.
The heart, our emotional realm, cannot be defined in a physical sense. We have so many references to this in our popular culture and world culture. I believe all cultures have a story similar to Romeo and Juliet; of a love which shouldn't be, but I am not nearly well read or traveled enough to make such a claim, yet it is what I believe. I struggle with my physical attachments to love, as I believe we all do. Reading between the lines, or worse; becoming so jaded that the lines blur and you see conspiracy everywhere. When your very existence becomes a ping of echo-location bounced back from those in your life. Love isn't constrained by any physical sense so I wonder why I attach so firmly to it, believe so strongly in it when the signals from all of those lines bring me nothing but pain. If it's a positive message, it has been filtered and I missed actually experiencing it and so I suffer, if it's a negative message I wallow in its energy which I hold out of time in this place where I monitor the messages. Damn!! Life escapes me in this way.
My heart is free and open though, unbound and immaterial. Those I keep there are but the rays of light which they brought to me. They are warm feelings in my chest upon recalling those times which we can recall so clearly because we weren't attached to it but living it. They are the supports of our inner strength when we want to quit. They are our inspiration when we forget what love actually is and believe ourselves imprisoned by our pain. Love is the fiber which the pain cannot break. When the waves of grief pass there will be that light there still, washed by all the tears spilled, clear and warm and bright. It may seem that this light is only shown through hindsight and I'd agree with that. It cost you the tears and that experience to have such a pure memory, such a warmth, a hearth-fire of the soul.
As we walk into Winter, may we experience every moment of the Autumn. May we experience the cooler weather, jackets, gloves, steaming drinks from mugs, togetherness and the like. May we experience the lengthening of the nights and the dark as well. The thinning of the veil between this world and the spirit world is among the defining characteristics of Autumn, of harvest, to me. It's the spooky time of year naturally, I believe, because what we fear most isn't any ghost or monster or even fear itself, it's the big dark empty void of ourselves which we fear. It's all the missed opportunities born from hesitation, it's the dark and vindictive side which has no form and can't be fought it seems and so much more. It's us, the inside where we hide. It's that place where we could go to think where even god couldn't hear us. That's what I fear because it is what manifests my fears and demons. The yearly visit here for housekeeping is so much easier when I prepare myself for it. I know I come here every year just as I experience the pinnacles of Winter, Spring and Summer as well: it's high time I stop acting all surprised and unawares.
I'm brought here today as I pace back and forth thinking of how to lift the burden from my wife's heart. I want so bad to help her and her family as I know they've been through enough, that they need a break and oh how I wish I had it within me to give. Since I have nothing, I think, and think and walk and walk and all I can come up with is that there is such a pale but rich beauty in loss, though it too can be seen best in hindsight. So I'm left with lending a shoulder or an ear to my wife (and my Brother), being understanding and supportive and saying there is light at the end of the tunnel. May it help in some small way or be of some comfort to hold on; that I believe that the bright and shining beautiful light at the end of the tunnel is the same light which brought you here and is with you always. Have faith and in your sorrow feel her warmth until the sun shines again, as it always does.
With love,
Ryan
These thoughts are brought to mind today as the cold causes me to bundle up for my morning walk. As I do I guess it's my natural tendency to draw inward. I like to think it's Mother nature tucking us in ever so slowly; into that long walk within. As I bundle and walk my wife is on my mind. I've gotten the coffee made and ready. She's sleeping so soundly, her breath to deep and even, I don't have the heart to wake her. As I'm grabbing her coat, an XL men's corduroy fleece lined number, she wakes up a bit. She checks her alarm and dives back into sleep. So there I am walking up and back the path in the backyard pre-warming her coat because she has to catch the bus today and thinking. I'm thinking of how I can ease the pain of her loss. I wouldn't speak of it in a forum like this if it weren't so relevant to this time of year, how this experience came to me and to how I see the healing process.
Here we are full in the beginning of Autumn, of harvest and growth. It's much easier to see the process of death and life I guess when I think of the way we live with the earth. I don't mean living on the earth I mean living with it, with it's seasons. The Spring is a time of new growth leading into Summer and vitality; hard work which leads to Autumn and the harvest which we store as the cold of Winter sets in. That can be seen as physically and plainly as the allegory of the grasshopper and the ant; though attaching to firmly to the physical realm. We don't live plain lives though, there are storms and times of abundance and life is the walk through that adventure. Living with the earth means setting our hearts to it's beat as well as you march through life. You can call it metaphysical, scientific or fit it into any religious or spiritual path; which plants it in the file of "truism' for me.
The heart, our emotional realm, cannot be defined in a physical sense. We have so many references to this in our popular culture and world culture. I believe all cultures have a story similar to Romeo and Juliet; of a love which shouldn't be, but I am not nearly well read or traveled enough to make such a claim, yet it is what I believe. I struggle with my physical attachments to love, as I believe we all do. Reading between the lines, or worse; becoming so jaded that the lines blur and you see conspiracy everywhere. When your very existence becomes a ping of echo-location bounced back from those in your life. Love isn't constrained by any physical sense so I wonder why I attach so firmly to it, believe so strongly in it when the signals from all of those lines bring me nothing but pain. If it's a positive message, it has been filtered and I missed actually experiencing it and so I suffer, if it's a negative message I wallow in its energy which I hold out of time in this place where I monitor the messages. Damn!! Life escapes me in this way.
My heart is free and open though, unbound and immaterial. Those I keep there are but the rays of light which they brought to me. They are warm feelings in my chest upon recalling those times which we can recall so clearly because we weren't attached to it but living it. They are the supports of our inner strength when we want to quit. They are our inspiration when we forget what love actually is and believe ourselves imprisoned by our pain. Love is the fiber which the pain cannot break. When the waves of grief pass there will be that light there still, washed by all the tears spilled, clear and warm and bright. It may seem that this light is only shown through hindsight and I'd agree with that. It cost you the tears and that experience to have such a pure memory, such a warmth, a hearth-fire of the soul.
As we walk into Winter, may we experience every moment of the Autumn. May we experience the cooler weather, jackets, gloves, steaming drinks from mugs, togetherness and the like. May we experience the lengthening of the nights and the dark as well. The thinning of the veil between this world and the spirit world is among the defining characteristics of Autumn, of harvest, to me. It's the spooky time of year naturally, I believe, because what we fear most isn't any ghost or monster or even fear itself, it's the big dark empty void of ourselves which we fear. It's all the missed opportunities born from hesitation, it's the dark and vindictive side which has no form and can't be fought it seems and so much more. It's us, the inside where we hide. It's that place where we could go to think where even god couldn't hear us. That's what I fear because it is what manifests my fears and demons. The yearly visit here for housekeeping is so much easier when I prepare myself for it. I know I come here every year just as I experience the pinnacles of Winter, Spring and Summer as well: it's high time I stop acting all surprised and unawares.
I'm brought here today as I pace back and forth thinking of how to lift the burden from my wife's heart. I want so bad to help her and her family as I know they've been through enough, that they need a break and oh how I wish I had it within me to give. Since I have nothing, I think, and think and walk and walk and all I can come up with is that there is such a pale but rich beauty in loss, though it too can be seen best in hindsight. So I'm left with lending a shoulder or an ear to my wife (and my Brother), being understanding and supportive and saying there is light at the end of the tunnel. May it help in some small way or be of some comfort to hold on; that I believe that the bright and shining beautiful light at the end of the tunnel is the same light which brought you here and is with you always. Have faith and in your sorrow feel her warmth until the sun shines again, as it always does.
With love,
Ryan
You are a ray of light in my heart, brother! I always seem to take a personal inventory this time of year - of those lost, (AND those gained!) through the past year.
ReplyDeleteI love and appreciate your perspective as the wheel turns again...