The Fragile Man

I have shopped my writing around to the publications closest to my subject matter and have found that they aren't interested in my opinion. They publish the editorial works of experts and I'm no expert and all I really have is my perspective. So, I've decided to write about the only subject I'm an expert in, myself.

I'm going to post the beginning of a book I'm writing and I'd like your feedback. Here is what I propose: Read the beginning few paragraphs with the understanding that this will be the telling of a six year journey through fibromyalgia and my other ailments. So read and let me know if you'd keep reading this book, or if it's best kept for myself.

Thank you in advance :-)

Namaste,

Ryan

I awoke on my couch, facing eviction, the power being cut off and working a job which was entirely too physical for my body. My wife and children were gone, left to Texas because I had been a violent man. I had curbed my physical outbursts, but was still difficult to live with. I was full of delusion and victimization and all the pain medication and muscle relaxants I had left. I didn't want to live another day, not without my family. I had the two dogs for company, and they loved me but it was hard to love them back when they reminded me so much of what I had lost. I looked into the empty room my sons had shared; toys still lain on the floor. I laid back on my couch, which had became my bed, since I wasn't sleeping in our bed. I lived a life of busting tires all day, six days a week, 70+ hours a week and staying awake all night. As I laid there a thought bubbled up from the center of my mind like the message from an old '8 ball"; all I had was myself for company and I hated myself. I was an ass-hole and a bully. As I realized this the room began to fade into so much black nothingness and I was there floating by myself.; outside of time and space with no beginning and no end. As I realized that  this was the fabric of reality, I knew myself completely and my body faded. I was simply the energy of me, this observer. I looked back and saw the fabric of my negative energy threaded through the lives of my family causing so much of our distress and problems. I saw it changing the beautiful nature of my children. I saw it causing my lovely wife to bend and change. I could feel her pain and fear in my deepest heart and I awoke.

I sat there staring into the room, blinking at the vivid clarity of it all just as I had done so many years ago when I received my first pair of glasses. Trees weren't just green cotton balls; life wasn't the fabric of my dreams. I understood into the center of a deep placed I had long ago suppressed,  that we are all connected and I had been so very irresponsible with my part in it all. I had been irresponsible in my role as a father, as a husband, as a friend and as a human being. I was selfish, judgmental, and so egocentric my victim mentality was like a suit of armor. I saw it so clearly of myself and I stripped myself naked unto the light of truth. I had fought against the worst of myself for so long. I was tired of shirking, tired of being ashamed of my true self. I turned and fought, finally. I closed my eyes, I grit my teeth, clenched my fists and faced it. When I opened my eyes I expected to be facing demons, shadows, enemies of some sort and what hit my like a blade to my heart was the sight of myself, pale face in my hands weeping at what I had done. I saw this man, who couldn't stand tall; who had faced his whole life as though visited by the ghost of Christmas past.  His shoulders were slumped and his heart was wallowed in sorrow and despair. I became aware of the energy, call it atmosphere, esp or however you can understand it, but I became aware of a looming choice. I felt it with every fiber of my physical being. Like my own spidey-sense; my karmasense was tingling like crazy. The fight or flight reaction was pulling like the riptide of the oncoming of a tremendous wave. I didn't care, I had made my choice and as the wave crashed I covered that man with my body. In the churning destruction I was washed away, split into so many layers of facade as the cinema of my life was shown before me. Each scene; a layer of delusion ripped away, exposing me, skinning me alive. I didn't falter, I didn't shirk. Layer after layer I watched as karma; my energetic responsibility for the threads of delusion, hate and judgement I had woven into reality were heaped upon my shoulders. I used those scenes flashed before me as bubbles of truth to follow to the surface if I were to survive. As I pressed into these scenes, no longer a witness; neutral, I became. Without knowing or noticing perhaps I became that figure I had seen. My face in my hands weeping as the pain I had wrought on others only to disguise myself, to cast my view from who I was. Their pain was to alleviate my own... the source of my shame shown before me as the last load of karmic weight. I stood and assumed it all unto my being. I was one again, like I had been so many years ago as a child. I was washed clean while not removing my past. This wasn't a fragmentation, it was a reunification. I could stand tall because I am a good person. I have done bad things, but I was no longer running from them. Stripped to near spartan living I walked my talk every day.

I had been shown the subtle luring nature of that inner space I came to call the cave. I walked every day being as present as I could be. I had seen the shields of delusion and their consequences and I rejected my reality and stood for truth come what may, how ever I may be judged or scrutinized I will walk in the light of truth. My first tool was to openly call bullshit on myself. When I was being weak and letting others do more work than I on the job I would call bullshit on myself. At first it took stepping into the restroom to actually face my reflection and call it out. "you're being an asshole, you're using and manipulating them and it IS NOT RIGHT" I had to affirm it in reality, not the vacuum of my mind because I can change the facts as I see fit in there. Out here in reality, if I spoke it aloud, I couldn't take it back. I foiled my sneaky and underhanded ego-self this way. It was what it was, I could not change it. Those moments were my foot holds, my anchor points for when I fell, and I fell a lot in the beginning. I began to see again, as I did in that moment of clarity, the sun warmed me, the coffee was richer and I was real, and I was ok. I began to rebuild myself in this way. I was raising two boys into manhood and I couldn't define it and the shame of my example to them thus far was like a burning  coal for the engine of my purpose. To be a good person.

Sharing really is caring

I really believe that sharing is caring, but the thought was brought back into my mind this morning during a Tourette's fit. They're usually directly linked to my stress level, which, with various anxiety disorders means it varies, for no reason and with no warning. Though it is usually correlated to my actual stress level. It usually goes like this:

Stress level:

1 - I don't know yet haha but pacing, definitely pacing... I never stop pacing
2 - The occasional twitch of the shoulders and straightening of clothing (the clothing thing always exists, like having clean hands and such)
3 -
4 -
5 - 3 to 5 range from stuttering, neck craining, hand twitches, foot tapping, guttural noises and clicks and the like. I usually sing during these times in order to focus on what I'm doing. In times like these I feel blessed I learned so many Earth based Pagan songs. They help focus my mind on positive things.
6 -
7 -
8 - High stress times I stutter badly and it always accompanies neck craining: sometimes to the point of such pain that I cry out. The hand body twitches become more exaggerated and the foot tapping becomes leg spasms and jerks. Yes, I admit here and now that I have spasmed into the Thriller dance on one occasion. On high pain days from the fibro, which I'll get to later, the spasms are in my back and they can take me down in an instant in complete agony.
9 -
10 - These days are all of the above with fibro nerve flashes which leave me utterly nonfunctional.

My wife and my kids know all of this because they've lived it, the poor things, as it's come about. I wasn't always this way. The onset of Fibromyalgia exacerbated what my Neurologist called "undiagnosed childhood Tourette's syndrome"  which made sense as I've been a finger drummer for as long as I can remember. To anyone on the outside it may seem odd and I know it makes situations uncomfortable so as I shared with my immediate family, I share with you my family at large.

Allow me to digress; I shared all of this in order to set the frame work for the sharing of my walk through Fibromyalgia. Also understand that I have arthritis and my knees are bone on bone, and I have some band disorder my Rheumatologist explained but I don't understand which means my hips ache and pop out of socket frequently. So knowing all of this I'll explain my Fibromyalgia. I say my because it's a host of disorders which plague different people differently. For instance it heightened the already existing Tourettete's and OCD (CDO) and brought new anxieties. My pain level is always parallel to stress changes and changes in barometric pressure. There are eighteen nerve points recognized as very sensitive with fibro and you can have any number of them active. I have all eighteen points active at varying levels of sensativity which correlate to changes in stress, movement, overall health, mental state (which is a real Bugger) and others. They can also just heighten for no reason. Mine are as follows:


1 - My back (4 lower back and 2 upper back at the base of my neck) and my right knee are sensitive though I'm rarely at this pain level with a cognitive mind. Mild headache. I creak like the rigging on an old sailing ship. Extreme discomfort as though I just can't get comfortable.
2 - Back, knees, headache at the base of my neck.
3 -
4 -
5 - Again from 3 to 5: Back (all points from this point forward), knees, elbows, ankles, feet (at the soles), hands, headache complete head mild migraine symptoms, clouded thinking, IBS, lethargy, loss of appetite, muscle spasms in my back and sometimes in my leg, The leg ones I walk out because I pace, the back ones are all day long twitches. If I sit down for too long they lock up and cause the points in my back to hit a 10 in pain. I have sat through one full movie with my family in four years.
6 -
7 -
8 - You know the drill: Extreme lethargy I'd liken to my worst bout of the flu (when I had pneumonia) extreme body and joint pain (my hands are swollen clubs), my knees feel like they're filled with broken glass, the foot pain is like a hot coal on the pad while the foot remains extremely cold with swollen joints, migraine headache, clouded thinking, grumpy, Anxiety bouts with shrieks at loud noises and flinches at sudden movements, IBS from the very bowels of hell,
9 -
10 - They blur into one and it's all of the above with inescapable agony that writhing in the fetal position won't comfort. Nothing helps; there is no place dark enough, soft enough, warm enough, cool enough... if I could be suspended in air I couldn't find comfort and I feel like I know how the Earth must feel moments before magma becomes lava.

So I tell my family and close friends what my pain level is at. I do so because I have no sores, no open wounds which are dressed, no outward signs really other than my permanently dark eyes to alert anyone that I am sick. I am sick.

I am sick.

It has taken me so long to simply admit that. I have fears of hypochondria so I am very stubborn about being sick. I have been sick for as long as I can remember. I have grown a strong dislike of doctors and western medicine in general. I has taken me a long time to become medicated again though my life is MUCH better being so.  I was told at my last doctors visit that I am maxed out on Lyrica and Cymbalta; lovely. I have to fight what I assume (yes I assume) is the doctors view that I'm just after some pain medicine like percocet or something. I don't want that. I really dislike the feeling of those pain meds. I don't drink to the point of feeling "off" and I don't like that no matter what I take, prescription pain meds, I feel that way. I am a medical marijuana patient. I have been for two years. The amount of pain relief is directly in my hands. The type of relief is under my control as well. By using different types I directly address what I hurting or wrong. I can remain functional and believe me it has saved my marriage because I'm no peach to live with. My wife is a Saint for putting up with me, truly.

I wake up groggy and I go to bed wide awake. I pace all day so that when I go to bed I'm exhausted and I'll sleep as still as possible because I don't want to ruin Rose's sleep. I still sleep restlessly and the points on my back have caused us to cuddle much less. I really miss that physical contact. To explain my back; have you ever had a broken or bad tooth? Where the root was exposed? Where just the slightest breath inward was felt and it could surge to a burning pain at the lightest touch? It's like my lower back is a mouth full of broken teeth. The Lyrica and Cymbalta keep the pain at about a high discomfort level. My family know where to hug me safely, others I keep the pain within; it's worth it for the physical contact and exchange of love. After the hug, which usually ends with a pat on the back, I smile and excuse myself to go walk off the pain. I will not miss out on a hug, and if you're reading this and thinking of hugging me less, even one hug, please please don't. Please don't withhold, I am a hugger. 

I meditate in the morning to offset the lost sleep. I try to meditate a couple hours a day between sitting Shinay and walking Shinay. I open my shrine in the morning which consists of chants which set my intention in the right direction, offerings of saffron water and candles and incense when I have it. I center myself through this process. I get the coffee going and get my family off for their day. I ask them every day "Did you get enough sleep? Did you get enough to eat? Are you going to have a good day?" We play fun music. My youngest son likes Stevie Wonder's "Sir Duke" especially and I love the way he sings it in the morning. After they're off I will come home and medicate and walk out the cramps and spasms. About Noon I'll be able to get out and about to run any errands. I recently got a handicapped parking placard. I thought I wouldn't use it often because as we parked in the past I had thought about getting one and assessed if I would "need" to use it. That assessment was flawed though because it was from the perspective in which parking there wasn't actually an option. I use it a lot. I walk with a cane for a few reasons: my knees; they won't do a knee replacement until I'm in my 60's with the lack of insurance I have. So I'm using what I have wisely and walking with a cane. It's also for my back. My right hip is what I would describe as "soggy" it doesn't hold my weight during a stride. So, the cane helps a lot even though I really dislike it. My skin is soft and thin now. When I look down I don't see my Dad's hands, I see my Grandpa Hope's hands. That's ok by me, he was a great man, but it's a little early. I'm not yet 40. I digress yet again (fibro fog) I'll go get the kids from school around 2:30 and leave again around 5:45 to get Rose from work. We'll get dinner figured out and I'll cook or help cook depending. I'll get Rose off to bed, then the kids, and I'll pace out all the pain and anxiety from the day (even though I do it throughout the day) and exhaust myself around midnight and fall asleep.

That "day" will fluctuate depending on the factors I listed and I have no retreat from my day. I cannot fail my family. I feel horrible as I am no longer the provider for me family, while at the same time I have enormous pride for my wife and how she's blossomed under this. As my body crumples up on me I struggle with depression (fibo add-on), I am unemployed and most likely unemployable, I can't work hard around the house... hell I barely keep house. I manage to taxi my family and remain an emotional support. It's all I have and I give it all.

I'm sharing all of this because I am sick, but I am a human being. I believe we need to open the dark corners, deal with them with the strength of our family. We need to dispel the thought that we should somehow be ashamed of our bodies, of who we are. We desperately need a coming together. I share because it is caring, caring that maybe this will reach someone who needs it on a day they need it. Gifts are given without thought of reciept, or they should be and I believe your very presence is a gift unto the universe for us all to share so make it the best you can give.

Imagine. Everyone, everywhere being open and giving, understanding and nonjudgmental... We have to be the change folks and this is my humble contribution.

The road to Enlightenment is through truth

I do not consider myself to be enlightened. I feel I’m on the path leading there and I feel that compassion, being a major tenet of this, that we must strengthen the bonds of our interconnectedness. To do this I feel the best way is to erase fear, since I believe it is fear which keeps us apart. I feel the best way I can do this is to expose myself to you, raw, unfiltered and real – in the light of truth.

The path to Enlightenment is through truth. I posted that earlier and several people liked and agreed with the sentiment. How closely do we look at this process though? How much light of truth do we allow to penetrate us? Because it is inversely proportionate to the levels of our misery. It seems odd to say that exposing yourself; your ugly side could lessen your misery but let me explain my walk, which is ongoing.

I wasn’t happy, life wasn’t what I wanted it to be. I wanted a bigger house, a better car, a better job; hell no job – I wanted to be independently wealthy, I wanted a better relationship with my wife. I felt lost, I felt incomplete and empty often. I wanted a better life for my kids but my own childhood left me with no tools for a normal relationship. The dynamics of my household were horrible. Everyone lived in fear of me. My excuse was that I was building a good family and that I couldn’t make everyone happy. That was total bologna; the truth was I just wanted it all my way.

As I have written before my big epiphany came when my wife took our kids and left me. I was a violent, irrational being for many years, she had grown accustomed to it so when the violence ended but I still had the same energy, the same air about me the waiting and suspense for something she was sure was coming was too much. I don’t blame her. At the time I was in the beginning of really trying to fix myself. I knew, let me get this completely clear, I knew the whole time that violence and what I was doing was wrong. Even after I had changed the bulk of it I was still aggressively after securing only my own piece of the pie. I wanted a better life for my kids…. For me; because that meant I was a good father. I never considered just relating to them and letting their needs dictate how I was a good father, nope it was all about me.

So they left…. I had a house with empty rooms. I had a job to go to and bills to pay. Part of the problem between my wife and I was money (like most families) and how it was being spent. So when she decided to leave she let the bills go, I believe, to subconsciously force her to leave. She had to make a big mess and run from me, she couldn’t just leave. We were messed up, folks.  We kept it hidden, like many families I suppose. The point is though I didn’t hit her or the kids she felt the same fear and left. Your transgressions don’t always immediately bring about their consequences. That is in no way under your control.

I slept on the couch; it was too difficult to sleep alone in our bed. I filly wallowed in my misery. In fact I entertained suicidal thoughts. I laid there on my couch for a month at least eating horrible fast food, not cooking for myself and smoking like a freight train. Then one night deep thought took me. I didn’t intend to be thinking deeply about myself and my place in the universe, it just consumed me. Suddenly there I was kind of floating above all these scenes of myself in different interactions. I was watching this unfold through eyes of truth. I could see my own horrible actions as well as the actions of the others. It was an odd sensation to be so disconnected from myself, seeing myself so clearly and finding disgust for myself in my heart. Then I saw myself lying on the couch and I looked dead and you know, it didn’t bother me. It didn’t bother me at all. Then the couch faded away and there was my body floating in this black emptiness. I watched as my clothes left, leaving me naked unto myself and then as my body faded but my consciousness didn’t; it hit me. I understood that I was alone in this vast darkness and I had only who I was for company and I was a jerk, no I was a dick, a real dick. I had hit my kids, I had hit my wife, I had bullied them all. I couldn’t love that person, I couldn’t stand him let alone being left with only him for company for all eternity. Then as the world faded back in and I realized I was sitting on my couch it all made sense to me. I set about being a nice person and considering others as I had wanted to be, but was afraid of not being, so I was passive aggressive about it and bullied people. I didn’t look at it though. I had a life full of drama I created which kept my focus off my own actions.

Then as I sat there I went back in my mind to all those interactions I had seen and I watched myself and I noticed one thing in all of them:

The moment you witness yourself making an excuse to yourself for your own bad behavior is your call to enlightenment by establishing the source, action of and only escape from your own karma.

It was true in every single instance.

Let me quickly explain how I see karma so that that sentence can make more sense. Karma is the wave you create by acting other than yourself. When you try to act tough the universe smacks you down. Some times its just as clear cut as that and sometimes it’s a total mystery but it always, always, always stems from excusing yourself for what you hold others to judgment for. Theft, for example, is mostly universal. Universally, most people would say it’s wrong. Now, not giving up your seat on the bus to someone else, which is up to your own moral fiber, could be wrong but stepping away from that will cause a wave you have to overcome. Your life is your own and it is shaped by you; by your conception of yourself. When you don’t live up to what you know you should be the Universe sets u[p tests, challenges and lessons to help you see it, but it is still up to you to see it.

So there I was on my couch reliving all these painful moments in which I was a complete tool and standing against my choices. It was like I had to go back and atone for them all and fix them by standing for what was right. I had to watch myself hitting my son and witness the true horrible ugly I embodied and unleashed upon my gentle son. I had to drive into the center of me, down into my soul, the reality of how wrong that was, what I should have done, what I did to him. I had to account for it all. So I spent my three months in solitude when I wasn’t working and I did nothing but look back at myself. Slowly but surely I emerged a different person. I found my own gentle roots, which look so much like my son it breaks my heart. Doing that helped me see how to be a better father to them, a better husband to my wife and a better person for myself.

It was the worst of times; it was the best of times.

I vowed to walk in the light of truth from that moment on. Much later after having found Buddhism (which paralleled my experience) and working with Rinpoche, my Lama, I learned three simple steps to maintaining that walk: Be humble, Be a good person, what will be will be.

Your life is your own, you are responsible for it completely; your actions, your inactions and your reactions - from the three levels of being – they must all be in harmony for you to be able to find happiness…

Or so it is in my experience.

Namaste

Come on People now, smile on your brother

Yesterday my wife, my eleven year old son and I were almost in a head-on collision. A heavy duty truck, which looked like a cement mixer, belonging to an environmental service company was straddling the double yellow center line around a blind corner.  The look of shock on his face as we came around in our lane truly frightened me. His truck was too large, too heavy and moving too fast for him to maneuver at all. I swung my car to the curb on my side and came to a stop. He missed us by inches and …. just kept going. He just drove off. I took the next block and backtracked. I was extremely upset. I wanted this jackass to know what he almost did. I found him two blocks up about to make a right on the street I was on and as I passed him I yelled, cursed and told him to pull into the nearest parking lot. I know. It was a stupid thing to do. I was caught up in moment. The problem was my initial approach.

When he didn’t pull into the lot but instead taunted and goaded me with his passenger as he kept driving I decided to take this to his boss. I knew where their office was, we used to work in the same office park. I hope he received a written reprimand. I plan on following up in a few days, but that isn’t the point of this, it’s about how we treat each other, about our initial approach; our combined consciousness.

You see all of us enter our isolation booths and maneuver through our city avoiding all the jackasses on the road without ever realizing that those jackasses are approaching it the exact same way. Where did this sense of entitlement come from? When did all of us decide that our city, government, country, the world, all of existence was there to witness the “me show”? How do we figure we are the only important one?

Well with that attitude fell our cooperation, our compassion, our willingness to do what is right. What we adopted was the willingness to do what is right… for me. We disconnected from each other and started to take care of only ourselves. We drew lines, like we always have throughout history, in order to set ourselves against them to make it easier to excuse our behavior to ourselves. It’s competition; on the roads, in the office, in the community in the home. I’m all for doing the best you can and felling good about your accomplishments but when are we taking care of the most important aspect? I mean sure, we can be the best on the road, the best in the office, and the best in the community but if we’re not tending to our initial approach then all we end up with is a trophy shelf we admire alone. No one, I mean no one, wants to be taken advantage of; not on the road, in the office, in the community or in the home. So when did we flip and change to this me only approach? More importantly, why haven’t we noticed and done something about it?

We treat each other like enemies on the road, we have “road rage” which doesn’t come from congestion, it comes from our mindset. If they’re enemies then there are no holds barred. We drop polite society and “handle our business”. I call bullshit. I don’t want every other motorist on the road to treat me this way, then without being a massive hypocrite, so I cannot take advantage. I must follow the rules we have all agreed to.

We approach all of life in this same way. It’s been going for so long. I grew up in this mindset. I was a child in the 80’s during the “me generation” and boy isn’t that the truth. We were taught to take care of “No.1” and a bunch of other catchy slogans we would repeat to desensitize us from the usury we were being bred into. We did as every generation does, we improved upon the existing system. The improvement? “The Game”! It’s where I can act like a complete asshole and then excuse my behavior with the slogan “don’t hate the player, hate the game” which is tantamount to saying “don’t blame me, I’m no worse than everyone else”. That’s just great, lowest common denominator societal norms! How did we not notice we were circling the drain? How did we all adopt this philosophy so quickly? So easily? I mean it started in a subculture, as all things do, and went mainstream so quickly. Then came the “haters” and how we don’t have to listen to anyone, because haters are going to hate. What a giant system of self-delusion. That means I can be however I like because I only have to be better than those I judge to be less; which is to say I can do what I want because I can always judge people in such a way as to allow my bad behavior. Then, when I piss people off I don’t have to listen to them because I can just label them “haters” and dismiss them. It’s the recipe to complete deluded pseudo-happiness.  All of that outward manipulation causes us to live within ourselves and use our bodies like a robot. All the hate from the haters just hits the robot and doesn’t get through…. and neither does the love, neither does the happiness… nothing does.

So here we are; a world of people hiding within themselves and all of them missing out on life. It’s messy, you will cry, you will love and you will lose and all of it is the experience you were meant to have. There is no hiding from it, there is no broadcast delay in which you have a moment to factor your next move, nope. You act, you live, you learn, you grow, you give of yourself and you pass on. If you’re one of those lucky beautiful souls you touch the world with your honesty.

I am saddened by how many beautiful souls I meet who insist on remaining caterpillars.

Come on people now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another
Right now
Come on people now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another
Right now
Come on people now
Smile on your brother
Everybody get together
Try to love one another
Right now

The Yougbloods

When Life was Sesame Street

I was thinking the other day about love, compassionate love and the state of the world. I was thinking about our politics, our business, our government and our society. It seems so involved, deluded, convoluted and manufactured with an agenda. I think that is what bothers me most, the agenda. When you know that the way you want it doesn’t serve everyone and selfishly subvert it to your own gain. I think that describes the actions of those three groups I just mentioned, don’t you? I remember a different time, as all generations do; we all have our “good ol’ days”. Mine were Sesame Street and it was beautiful.

To me the world was made up of people who were loving and tolerant. There were people from different races coexisting, different religions, folks who were hearing impaired and visitors with all sorts of challenges and triumphs. It was a beautiful world to live in and I remember it well.

What happened? We grew up, but more specifically we became jaded. We became aware of ourselves and our focus shifted from the outside world to the inner world of our fears and delusions. We became obsessed with not being exposed, no one can see the real me. We heaped on layers of personae of the characters we so desperately wished to be. We grew and popularized them in their stereotypes and placed them, like the marionettes they are, against each other to run out the endless scenarios of our interactions through our stories in books and movies, in our art, in our poems in our culture. We understood what evil is only when we gave ourselves the example first. When some exaggeration of a thing which we knew existed within us pinged us for the first time. When the outside world reflected the ways in which we let ourselves down, when we could see our own bad possibilities in the actions of others we began to build out walls. Brick by self deluded brick we build the walls of “they’re worse than me” to excuse our failings to ourselves. That first selfish deed where the fabric of us was torn into two; when we knew what was right but decided to do what we wanted, to get what we desired; in that moment we sold out our Sesame Street.

Is it lost forever? Must it be exiled to nostalgia? I don’t believe so. I believe we can retrace our steps and stand against that slithery part of ourselves which made the weak or selfish choices. We can go back in our minds and realign with right. We can learn those lessons of sharing, compassion, tolerance, of love and of the ways of life. We can live honestly, wholly authentic in our body, speech and mind. We can participate, and become personally invested and active in every moment of our lives. We can kill the autopilot. We can be mindful. We can be gentle. We can recognize that subversive part of ourselves; that part which clings to things and work against it. We can meditate until we realize that while it is who we are and needs to be accepted and loved it is also not who we are. By that I mean if you were to erase time and space and remove everyone who isn’t supposed to see the real you, only then would the real you be left exposed. That is who you are and if you don’t like it, do something about it. Understand your Dzogchen; understand you’re Dzogchen.

There is a Native American story “An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."”

Those are not solid physical parts of your body are they? They are energies and I believe it is true, the one you feed wins or as the Buddha said "The thought manifests as the word; the word manifests as the deed; the deed develops into habit; and habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care, and let it spring from love born out of concern for all beings."

From Sesame Street to Wall Street we don’t have to change, we give in to the fear that others are and they will somehow have an advantage. It’s weakness on our parts that we aren’t strong enough to live our morals, our ideals actually, literally. When I say we, I mean each individual should regardless of those around them. I certainly don’t mean to be saying that we should wait for all of us to, because we already know that drill. It’s in practice as we speak. No, I mean that each one of us should take a deep trip within, figure out who we are and bring that genuine person back into the world. We should be open to express ourselves and open to the expressions of others. If you don’t agree with it, walk away.

Above all we should understand this: We should never be abusive in pointing out the abuse of others.

I believe in a world where we can be gentle to each other without limiting passion. I believe in a world where we can have tolerance and still make the strides which come from deep belief. I believe we can all get along and love each other unconditionally. I believe we could live in Sesame Street if only we were committed to it rather than chasing profit.

Effects of Isolation

Effects of Isolation

I was mentioning to my wife the other day about how the biggest red flag of how our society has degraded is how we all drive. Each day I see more and more people running stop signs, running red lights recklessly and turn arrows as well. There are several areas around town where, in a double turn lane, people will try to merge lanes as soon as they turn in an attempt to avoid a) missing the light or b) to avoid the long line of people waiting in the correct lane. I see residential areas where no one drives the 25mph speed limit we all know is in place in residential areas. I’ve had people become irate and drive aggressively when I do the speed limit. I feel it’s a big problem and a sign of a larger one.

We all know the rules, or we should if we hold a license to drive. Not many are following the rules. Some are outright breaking them; others are bending them because others are breaking them. It’s like all we need is an excuse to act worse. For me, that excuse was turning our cars into isolation chambers. We isolated ourselves from the “noises of the road” which seemed like a good idea at the time yet it seems we were too weak to still reach out to our fellow human beings. It set the dynamics of us vs. them. How did we miss that? I feel because it was the 80’s, the me generation. I feel we can see clearly the problems with this.

We can’t set every other vehicle on the road as an opponent and expect cooperation and community to spring from it. How can we be surprised at the results of the dynamic we, as a society, set in place? We decided that the individual was more important than the community they lived in. Since that time many of the policies set in place at that time have proven faulty. Remember “trickle down”?

So the time is now to break out of this, to consciously decide to come together. We have a beautiful country, a beautiful community if only we could stop to see it. If only we could put our greed on the back burner for a moment and see what we are all entitled to, what we could all have if only we could share and not hoard. I feel we swung the pendulum too far too fast. We’ve swung from letting the government do it’s own thing, from telling corporations have the right to “vote” back to the “99%” taking back the power. That won’t work folks, it won’t work. Just as we didn’t want “them” stripping our possessions from us, “they” don’t want us taking all their wealth and “redistributing” it. They won’t recognize that they gained it through oppression and we won’t recognize that we wouldn’t want to be treated the way we’re treating them.

Man, it’s time! It’s time to stop the petty bullshit and get it together already. We are in the twenty first century for god’s sake! It’s time to get it together. It’s time to drop where the problem sprung from; greed, and instead choose generosity. It’s time to be gentle with each other. It’s time I was part of the beautiful and diverse society I saw each morning on Sesame Street; the one where we all got along; where differences were chances to learn about each other, not to be shunned.

It is time to be the change…. That means be it without looking back, without waiting for everyone else to, without being weak and becoming greedy just because someone else is.

It’s time to love, to build together, to come together and respect each other. 

I was proud of my spirit...

                       

A few years ago I was with some friends and we were watching the first season of “True Blood” on tv. We had watched a couple episodes and I was worried it was going to be a weak platform and an excuse for special effects and sex.  I was happy when the story line started to unfold. The night I’m talking about was when we watched a character whose sexuality was never concretely determined in a scene which would define, for me, his character (both the actor’s own, and his characters). We all watched as he went to a vampire’s house to collect some of his blood. If you haven’t seen the show, vampire blood was sold like a drug to humans. At any rate, we watched as the vampire (played brilliantly by Stephen Root) revealed, through his advances, that he was gay. It was an interesting scene, with so much going on. At once this person (played by Nelsan Ellis) was interacting with this gentlemen trying to smooth him over, get what he wanted. It was a bit uncomfortable to watch. Not because there was tangible sexual tension between them, but because of the obvious manipulation and insincerity. Then there came a moment, when the Vampire reached out lovingly to the man and his guard dropped. It became about the moment and no longer about the exchange and the money he would get. It cumulated in a very tender kiss.

I thought it was a beautiful moment, a great scene, and touching in it’s honesty.

I sat there for a moment, as we all did. I was about to say something about it being lovely and tender but there was some reaction in our group, surprisingly from the women there, of discomfort in two men kissing. We passed it off and moved on as the show often does, and quickly. I thought a bout that kiss for a long time. I was proud of my spirit, genuinely. I feel the truest “you” is told in your authentic reactions to situations. My authentic reaction was to behold and enjoy a touching moment between two people. I saw the parallels to so many relationships in which I know the people personally. I saw the dynamics of just how difficult it is to let your guard down. I saw the “v-juice” as a metaphor for everything we go into a relationship wanting for ourselves. I saw the other side of it, and witnessed it become what this man would give away for affection. I had a moment, a ping of sadness, before I remembered that triumphant moment when they reached out and connected. It was beautiful. It was still a television show, but they say art imitates life, and I agree.

Do you know how rare that is? How hard it is to honestly connect with another person? How often it’s exactly what they showed only the metaphor of “v-juice” being what we’re after, and what we’re willing to give…. For love, for acceptance?

Life is long and it’s full of suffering. Like rocks with waves crashing against them, wearing them down, we are. Do not overlook, or pass by, an opportunity to reveal your soul to another and love them. I’m not talking about sex, exactly, because love making doesn’t always involve intercourse. I’m talking a bout the opportunity to drop your agenda, your fears, your insecurity and really open yourself to another person and love them, and be loved yourself.

I read a quote the other day, which after having written all this seems to be the seed from which this memory was born again.

“The love that you withhold is the pain that you carry - from lifetime to lifetime.” The first part is quoted from Alex Collier, after the hyphen is from the quote as I first saw it, so I included it. Regardless of the source, I think it’s a deep truism and something we should all understand and comprehend.

If your guilty mind tells you it’s wrong, if your conditioning tells you it’s a sin, if society causes you to squirm because you’ve heard a million times it’s disgusting…. please for the sake of us all, of the direction humanity is taking, look at it with your own unfiltered heart and mind and see for yourself; outside of any context where outside influences will, well, influence, look at it and see for yourself.

I’m just one person, speaking for only myself when I say that was one of the best, most convincing and easily the most touching and tender kisses I’ve ever seen on screen and I’m proud of my spirit for accepting it lovingly.

Namaste

Compassion & Community

They say when Buddha realized it was like 84,000 doors opening... I like to think that those doors are the various paths we all take to the same end and when you become you are at one with all paths, at one with your brothers and sisters. You can see the flow of karmic energy which pushed and shifted you also affecting your fellow human beings. I believe this is why the practice of compassion is so important. Unless you can swing the same result by sitting beneath the Bodhi tree and completely rearranging your mental state, we all must consciously practice compassion.

We start out pure and innocent, from one point of view. We have innate perfection always no matter our state from another point of view. I can see where they’re both coming from, I believe. It’s “original sin” from one place and the effects of samsara from another. I can see how they’re both correct, I believe. All religious paths are teaching the same basic thing. You can see the truth hidden in the dogma. Each of us has the responsibility of holding our souls to truth. It’s all too easy to “follow” a church and give away your free thought. Free thought and questions aren’t generally looked favorably upon within religious organizations. Free thought threatens the control.

Right now, free thought and difference of opinion are met with outright violence from our country. Sure, you can say it’s “them” but that is just disassociating yourself with your fellow man. Nope! The way forward is together, it’s with our arms around the shoulders of our brothers and sisters and working for the good of all.  It seems a hundred years ago our country took a perspective of “restriction” as the road to civilization. I disagree with that precept. We cannot have our laws, our government, our very lives set to restrict. That is a “punish the good with the bad because we “have” to” approach. All that has done is made those good people who are screwed by the rules cease to follow the rules. I doubt the number of criminals corrected through this type of government can even be 1/100^th of those who now disregard the rules and take care of only themselves. Don’t agree? Go out into any town and drive around for a couple hours. Count the number of people who follow a four way stop correctly and not just “I was here second, I GO second”.  Drive on the highway and see how you’re treated. Remember to leave your own personality at home so you can stay objective.

We go from one isolation booth to another throughout our day. When was the last time you heard a siren before you saw the vehicle? We isolated ourselves from the road and, unwittingly, each other. The same is true with the way we work. Do you remember when having more than one job over two years would get you declined for a job? Do you remember when you knew the names and numbers of every man on the team? Before free agency? Do you remember when teachers taught instead of worked to not get fired? Do you remember when you felt good about your government? For me, it’s been a while and I want that feeling back.

I feel we’ve focused on the individual as a solution to the problem of the 50’s oppression and close minded attitude. Where a man was a man a woman was in the kitchen. It was wrong, but we didn’t address the reason, we sought to restrict. We restricted speech and brought about political correctness. All that did was cause the sexist, racist, bigoted attitudes to be hidden. We didn’t go to the root of the problem and address it. For each evolution of society a new mode of restriction was born. Einstein said that doing the same action repeatedly and expecting different results is insanity and I believe we’re all insane. We haven’t figured it out? The problem isn’t “them” it never was, it was “us” all along.

There is no one simple solution. There isn’t anything one person can do to change it for everyone. The solution lies within the hearts of every living being. We have to be the change before we can expect to see the change. We have to do what is right just because it’s right. Not because God is watching, not because we will get thrown in jail, not for any other reason other than the joy in my heart demands it.  If you could manage to strip all your paper-doll personae, from the moment you realized you were separate until this moment, perhaps you could see that joy in your heart. You shared willingly, you gave without thought of return, and there was no ownership and no religion. You didn’t have any shields then to protect your psyche against the repercussions of your own bad behavior. There were no justifications. If you were bad, you knew it and your friends let you know.

We all long for simpler times and leave it at that. We’ve given up and only those ruthless among us, those willing to hold out longer, have come to power. They don’t have our best interests at heart because that was not what drove them to excel. We have no one to blame for our mess, we are to blame. We let other people doing bad things change our ethics to where we just had to be a notch above them in order to feel superior. It’s all a lie and we know. We knew it then too, we chose the lazy.

It’s time, isn’t it? Haven’t we all had enough? All I want is to love and be treated fairly and I believe that is really what we all want. When our motivation is greed, and it certainly is in the world today, we have to take from another to have it for ourselves. This is wrong. We know it; otherwise we wouldn’t be driven by fear of losing what we have.  I’m tired of living in fear. I’m tired of seeing the faces of my brothers and sisters as they have to go against their nature to follow the “rules” when we know it’s wrong. Such as when we deny medical help, social help and so on. We shouldn’t be choosing money over truth and humanity. When we sacrifice our fellow man for our own gain we know it is possible for someone to do the same to us; enter fear and we are driven by it ever more.

We have to do what is right just because it’s right. We have to put the work in to see the benefits. We’ve grown into an instant-gratification society and it’s just wrong. When you work for something you appreciate it more; that is a truism. So why aren’t we moving forward that way? Why aren’t we putting the work in? We may say “we are, we go to church” but are you holding yourself responsible for the total effects of your life? Or are you putting the responsibility squarely on the church? It’s easy to use it as a shield and only you can know if your every effort is coming from your most sincere heart. Do you go to church for salvation or to lend your positive presence to the congregation? If it’s the first all you are is a taker and then when to you give back?

Pay it forward by being a good person, treat everyone fairly, practice compassion, patience, understanding, tolerance, and so on. When we live those ideals they become … we’ve been living the ideals of greed and possession and it has become & we’re all suffering from it. It’s time to change. It’s time to go inside and do some spiritual housecleaning. It’s time to be humble, be a good person and let what will be, be.

Namaste

The truth is...

You want to know the truth?

The truth is I hurt today and it's no surprise. 

The truth is I'd like to just go home and rest. 

The truth is I don't feel like smiling. 

The truth is I don't want to talk to anyone, I want to be alone. 

The truth is I could lay down right now on my office floor despite all my neuroses and sleep, but I wouldn't rest. 

The truth is if I went home, put on my favorite sleepwear, listened to the ocean on my noise machine and drifted off to contented sleep I still wouldn't rest. 

The truth is I'd wake up from that sleep like I wake up from a nap on the couch, like I wake up from sleeping for 14 hours, like I wake up every time; tired. 

The truth is my aching body and ringing joints are never off my mind. 

The truth is half the time my kids hug me I want to scream out in pain, but I don't. 

The truth is I don't want to clean, do dishes, pick up or anything. 

The truth is I'm tired and sore and I can't escape the pain even in sleep because I don't rest and the pain is waiting for me when I wake up and it's charging interest like some collector for a ruthless loan shark. 

The truth is I have anxiety now, though I've seen some hairy situations. I've held a boys nose on his face until the paramedics arrived. I've forcibly removed semi-automatic handguns from suspects. I've taken the flying knees and elbows while holding a man in the throes of a diabetic seizure. I have anxiety now.

The truth is loud noises startle me and leave me incapable of controlling my body. 

The truth is that when I'm stressed the Tourette's is so bad I'm not safe with sharp instruments. 

The truth is I make noises now, clicks and grunts and stutters. When it's bad I shout at inopportune moments.

The truth is I sweat through two t-shirts a day when the pain is bad. 

The truth is I "cooked" my back because my heating pad numbs me and I feel "better". 

The truth is I can't really play with my kids.

The truth is I get headaches; migraines, sinus headaches, tension headaches, cluster headaches and so on. 

The truth is often I choose to relieve a headache even though it means insomnia from the caffeine.

The truth is my memory is shot. 

The truth is I could not function without my phone aka daily planner. 

The truth is I forgot this last one. It wasn't in my planner.

That is my physical reality each and every day. Right now I sit here with feet like ice but still sweating and I also have this to say:

You want to know my choice?

I choose to keep going, it's really all I know. From my youth plagued by asthma to present day all I have ever known is that I must keep going.  Nothing in my childhood contrasted against this as an option. We moved all the time, I went to a different school almost every other year. All the while all I knew was to keep going, to adapt and to continue.

I choose to smile because my being here is a gift and I won't waste mine in despair. 
I choose to hug back and cry later because I want to give you the best of me. 
I choose to surround myself with people to love. 
I choose to get up and keep going no matter how tired I feel. 
I choose to scrape the ice off my car even though it means I won't be able to write with a pen until after lunch.
I choose to take care of myself and take it easy when it would be unwise to push too hard. 
I choose change my sleeping patterns, to sleep on the couch for a while so Rose can get good sleep before I get in there and toss & turn. I choose to medicate myself so even if I don't sleep well at least I won't move so Rose can sleep. 
I choose to find positive things to fill my mind with when the pain sets in bad and all I can seem to think about is how much I hurt. 
I choose to meditate even if this condition makes it so much harder to do so.
I choose to work with my anxiety not to fight it, because that's how it wins, so I choose to go with it, go easy but stay me. 
I choose not to fight my Tourette's, though it's hard. I try not to be embarrassed when I act strange in public though I'd rather crawl under a rock and hide. 
The truth is I choose cooked back so I can sit and watch an entire movie with my family. 
The truth is I choose to pace and keep cleaning & picking up instead of doping myself to sleep when the pain sets in.  
The truth is I choose to adapt and use a device because my memory is so poor. 
The truth is I choose to read when I have insomnia instead of tuning out to the television.

The truth is I fight this for you and my goal is to not let you see it. I do not want any special treatment

The truth is I have fibromyalgia, and anxiety, Tourette's syndrome, arthritis, dyslexia, IBS, among the other oddities of my body.


The truth is that the more we know about each other the easier it is to see how we're all alike and hopefully that can lead to compassion, acceptance, patience, gentleness, understanding, care and love in all of us.