You want to know the truth?
The truth is I hurt today and it's no surprise.
The truth is I'd like to just go home and rest.
The truth is I don't feel like smiling.
The truth is I don't want to talk to anyone, I want to be alone.
The truth is I could lay down right now on my office floor despite all my neuroses and sleep, but I wouldn't rest.
The truth is if I went home, put on my favorite sleepwear, listened to the ocean on my noise machine and drifted off to contented sleep I still wouldn't rest.
The truth is I'd wake up from that sleep like I wake up from a nap on the couch, like I wake up from sleeping for 14 hours, like I wake up every time; tired.
The truth is my aching body and ringing joints are never off my mind.
The truth is half the time my kids hug me I want to scream out in pain, but I don't.
The truth is I don't want to clean, do dishes, pick up or anything.
The truth is I'm tired and sore and I can't escape the pain even in sleep because I don't rest and the pain is waiting for me when I wake up and it's charging interest like some collector for a ruthless loan shark.
The truth is I have anxiety now, though I've seen some hairy situations. I've held a boys nose on his face until the paramedics arrived. I've forcibly removed semi-automatic handguns from suspects. I've taken the flying knees and elbows while holding a man in the throes of a diabetic seizure. I have anxiety now.
The truth is loud noises startle me and leave me incapable of controlling my body.
The truth is that when I'm stressed the Tourette's is so bad I'm not safe with sharp instruments.
The truth is I make noises now, clicks and grunts and stutters. When it's bad I shout at inopportune moments.
The truth is I sweat through two t-shirts a day when the pain is bad.
The truth is I "cooked" my back because my heating pad numbs me and I feel "better".
The truth is I can't really play with my kids.
The truth is I get headaches; migraines, sinus headaches, tension headaches, cluster headaches and so on.
The truth is often I choose to relieve a headache even though it means insomnia from the caffeine.
The truth is my memory is shot.
The truth is I could not function without my phone aka daily planner.
The truth is I forgot this last one. It wasn't in my planner.
You want to know my choice?
I choose to keep going, it's really all I know. From my youth plagued by asthma to present day all I have ever known is that I must keep going. Nothing in my childhood contrasted against this as an option. We moved all the time, I went to a different school almost every other year. All the while all I knew was to keep going, to adapt and to continue.
I choose to smile because my being here is a gift and I won't waste mine in despair.
I choose to hug back and cry later because I want to give you the best of me.
I choose to surround myself with people to love.
I choose to get up and keep going no matter how tired I feel.
I choose to scrape the ice off my car even though it means I won't be able to write with a pen until after lunch.
I choose to take care of myself and take it easy when it would be unwise to push too hard.
I choose change my sleeping patterns, to sleep on the couch for a while so Rose can get good sleep before I get in there and toss & turn. I choose to medicate myself so even if I don't sleep well at least I won't move so Rose can sleep.
I choose to find positive things to fill my mind with when the pain sets in bad and all I can seem to think about is how much I hurt.
I choose to meditate even if this condition makes it so much harder to do so.
I choose to work with my anxiety not to fight it, because that's how it wins, so I choose to go with it, go easy but stay me.
I choose not to fight my Tourette's, though it's hard. I try not to be embarrassed when I act strange in public though I'd rather crawl under a rock and hide.
The truth is I choose cooked back so I can sit and watch an entire movie with my family.
The truth is I choose to pace and keep cleaning & picking up instead of doping myself to sleep when the pain sets in.
The truth is I choose to adapt and use a device because my memory is so poor.
The truth is I choose to read when I have insomnia instead of tuning out to the television.
The truth is I fight this for you and my goal is to not let you see it. I do not want any special treatment
The truth is I have fibromyalgia, and anxiety, Tourette's syndrome, arthritis, dyslexia, IBS, among the other oddities of my body.
The truth is that the more we know about each other the easier it is to see how we're all alike and hopefully that can lead to compassion, acceptance, patience, gentleness, understanding, care and love in all of us.
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